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USF Sam

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Doctor D said:
Our next topic for discussion comes from USF Sam! He has brought this to the table:
"Chick Fil A... THOSE guys are fast. I swear most times my car doesn't come to a complete stop. It's like a pit crew"

Yes, but they make up for it by closing on Sunday's to praise The Lord(R). Show me a place in the Bible where Jesus told the managers of these restuarants to shut down on Sundays. I defy you to. The one here is staffed entirely by young girls who make you start questioning the ethics of restricting how old somebody has to be to give consent. Make your own "Fil A Chick" jokes. Oh, wait I just did all the work for you. Nevermind.
Click to expand...

:24: Good to see I'm not the only one that noticed that.

It's like there's a box on the Chick Fil A job application:

Are you on your high school's cheerleading squad? Y/N
Do you at least have 10 pages in the yearbook devoted to you? Y/N

If the answer to both of the above questions is "No", please see the Manager for a map to the closest Captain D's. We hear they are hiring.
 
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Doctor D

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Valid points sir. It's fitting that they place such an emphasis on Jesus and Godly things. Because that's all I say when pulling up to the window. Just me muttering "Jesus" under my breath.
 
darkangel

darkangel

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Dear Doctor D:

We have a debate going on and I would like to hear your views. My question is: Is it wrong to tell your children that Santa exists? Elaborate please...

Santas helper...:D
 
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USF Sam

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Dear Doctor D,

Why do men wake up only to discover that their "little buddy" has already been awake for 10 minutes and apparently had better dreams than he did?
 
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Doctor D

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*falls out of the liquor cabinet*

Howdy everybody! When did you all get *hic* here?

Our first of two questions comes from darkangel, who asks:
" Is it wrong to tell your children that Santa exists?"

Ah, yes. The eternal debate of telling your children about Santa. On the one hand, you have people saying that it's a tradition that goes back for many years and that they grew up with it, so why deny their children the horror of being lied to? Then you have the opposing side who says that any lying to your child is wrong. Which is why they tell them exactly what mommy and daddy were doing in the shower and why mommy sounded like she was praying very loudly.

My view on the matter is this: You should absolutely warn your children about this man.

Perhaps none of you have really thought about it. Then, allow me to shine light on the subject. Santa, to succinctly put it, is a perv and a stalker. He knows when you're awake. Knows if you've been good or bad. The man breaks and enters into people's houses and leaves things for your children...While you're asleep. "But, Dr. D, I see him at the mall in public. He seems like such a harmless guy." So, tell me this, you don't think it's the least bit creepy that some old man wants to have your kid sit on his lap, put his arms around them, and take pictures of them? Even creepier, if the kid is crying, he's still smiling. The man obviously has a thing for small people...Elves anybody?

Moving on to the next question...

USF Sam asks: "Why do men wake up only to discover that their "little buddy" has already been awake for 10 minutes and apparently had better dreams than he did?"

Well, Sam the human body is magnificent machine. Full of wonder and...wonder...ment...Anyway, it does many, many, many things that leave us all baffled. One of which is when you wake in the morning and find that you are being lifted off of the bed a good 3 feet by your manhood. At least that's what I awake to every morning.

It can be embarrassing to find yourself completely aroused upon waking up. Especially if you and your buddies passed out drunk in roughly a 3 foot radius of one another. I would normally say it would be embarrassing if your sister was there too, but depending on what state you live in, this is either embarrassing or desirable. Simply put there is nothing that can really be done about it aside from making sweet, sweet love to the vacuum cleaner.

NEXT!
 
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Doctor D

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*cartwheels into the room*

My goodness! It seems the masses are thirsting for knowledge! Allow me to turn the garden hose of insight on for all of you and may you swig down the hose water of wisdom!

The first of multiple questions comes from DA. She wishes to know:
"Do you believe in Karma?"

Karma is the belief that what you do eventually comes back to bite you in the ass. And not in the hot way either. Many cultures teach similar concepts. Christians believe you reap what you sow. Of course they also believe that the earth was made in 60 minutes and that God(R) put dinosaurs bones here to test our faith. Wiccans believe that what you do comes back 3 times. Which is why none of them write cold checks.

Me personally, I believe that you should only do what you are comfortable living with. Why risk having things go wrong and you have to explain to the police that you're sorry for the noise and you promise to get the goat out of the tree just as soon as you regain sight in your left eye.

Kimmy wants to know:
"Why do people stir shit?"

Because some people live with an inner compulsion to make other people miserable because deep down they themselves are unhappy. That and using the blender just makes a damn mess.

PurpleDove steps up to the plate with the following:
"Do you think frequent cell phone use and brain tumor have any connection at all?"

According to the cold hard research that we have done here at the medical institute where my residency is, we have found no connection between the two. However, we have found connections between meetings with Human Resources and the pictures we send to hot interns.

Tuffdisc wishes to know:
"Doctor, when is this world going to end?

5...4...3...2...HAHA! Just kidding. A countdown from 60 would have been the correct answer.

But all seriousness aside, many, many, many religious cultures around the world have differing theories about the end of the world as we know it. Many Christians believe that Jesus(R) will come back and take away the righteous in The Rapture(R). Regardless of any of them happen to be pilots who are flying 747's full of people. "This is your pilot speaking. See ya, bitches! I'm gonna go get mah halo!"

But most of you have no doubt heard of the hot topic of 2012 in which people believe that somehow, people who couldn't master the concept of indoor plumbing, figured all of it out. I am of course referring to the Mayans. The Mayan calendar evidently calls for a "new age" to begin in December of 2012. What most people fail to realize is that the Mayans also believed VERY strongly in a god who had a VERY erect penis. So, unless you've seen any deities walking around sporting wood (not including me), I think we can dismiss the whole theory the world ending in 2012.

Will the world end? Probably. When? I'm not sure exactly, but I think it will involve the iPhone 6.

NEXT!
 
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Thornless wishes to ask a real medical question! Well, allow me to put on my real medical thinking hat. It resembles a ball cap with two beer cans on the side.

She asks: "How long will this cold i aquired today last?"

Yes, cold season has truly began! Joy to us all!

The common cold has been around for ages and shows no sign of ever relenting or leaving us completely. Much like that one relative you can't stand.

With all of the modern technology we possess, many have asked the question "How can I get porn on my phone?" WHOOPS! HAHA! Wrong question! Ahem...

They have asked: "With all the advents in medical technology, why can't we cure the common cold?"

Well, you see, the common cold is actually a group of viruses. And viruses live for one purpose and one purpose only: to reproduce. Insert your own politically incorrect joke here.

Due to the constanly evolving nature of viruses, we are constantly trying to catch up as it were. However the current medications that we have do little to effectively combat a constantly changing threat. However there is one silver lining to all of this: It affords you a rare opportunity to screw over people you don't like. Offer them hugs. Exhale in their general direction. Things of this nature will lift your spirits and give you something to live for.
 
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USF Sam

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Dear Doctor D,

Why can't I lick my own elbow? Do I need surgery to correct this problem? Will Obama-Care cover the operation?
 
darkangel

darkangel

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Dear Doctor D,

Why are so many sites on the Internet that try to infect your computer?

An unhappy Internet surfer,
DA
 
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Doctor D

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Hello again everybody! As we all crawl out of wherever we passed out at (dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood for me) let's take a look at the questions left for us!

Our first one comes from USF Sam! He ponders thusly:
"Why can't I lick my own elbow? Do I need surgery to correct this problem? Will Obama-Care cover the operation?"

Sam, I believe you have been mislead. That's not how your supposed to eat. All these years you've been dipping your elbows in food and trying to sustain yourself that way. You poor, poor son of a badword. Of course, licking one's elbow is not really an issue for some people. People with long tongues for example. And of course, any time you talk about people with long tongues you will have those who snicker and make innuendo laden jokes about how many stamps they could lick in one sitting.

But to take a detour and address one thing you mentioned about Obama's health care plan, you have made a fatal error. Technically you can't call it a "plan" if it came to you in a fever dream.

DA steps in and wants to know about the following:
"Why are so many sites on the Internet that try to infect your computer?"

Ah, yes. Due to the high amount of traffic on the internet, many, many, many people are finding that their PC's are slowly becoming infected by websites. This is because they didn't use protection. Always remember to wrap your cables in latex before you stick them in your ports.
 
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