Relationships and Money

[Aeval]

I don't think two people putting their money in one pot removes autonomy, though.


Growing up, my parents put all of their money together, and if one of them wanted some for something for themselves or what have you, they simply talked to the other and agreed upon it.

Define "something". Do you mean they'd discuss one of them going out and buying a pair of jean or a big ticket item?

I bought a dress when I was home last...I paid more for it than probably any other dress I have ever worn but I make good money and I wanted it, so I got it. If I had to pay for it from our shared account...well...I probably just wouldn't have bought it.

 

[Panacea]

I don't think two people putting their money in one pot removes autonomy, though.


Growing up, my parents put all of their money together, and if one of them wanted some for something for themselves or what have you, they simply talked to the other and agreed upon it.

For some it does. And in your parents case, that doesn't sound like autonomy. One had to ask permission of the other. Just saying, that setup isn't always ideal for some people.

 

[Sneakiecat]

We have a joint account but we never ask permission to buy simple things. We'll let each other know (hey, I just bought some workclothes/DVDs/whatever) or give a heads up if we haven't actually gotten around to it yet. If we think it might be too much to spend, we'll ask for an opinion but we rarely tell the other one no. Now, big purchases, such as the rifle my husband wants, those we talk over.

 

[HK]

I think something that'd bother me about not having separate accounts for our spending money would be buying gifts.


I don't want to know how much has been spent on me, any more than I want whoever I'm with to know the exact amount I spent on them. Not because I'm cheap or something, I just think it's more likely to lead to thoughts like 'I spent twice the amount that he did on my birthday!' when if you didn't know, you might be perfectly happy.

 

[Zorak]

Me and Kate talked about getting a joint account, but tbh with Internet banking and instant transfers nowadays, they're not worth the hassle.

 

[Sneakiecat]

I think something that'd bother me about not having separate accounts for our spending money would be buying gifts.


I don't want to know how much has been spent on me, any more than I want whoever I'm with to know the exact amount I spent on them. Not because I'm cheap or something, I just think it's more likely to lead to thoughts like 'I spent twice the amount that he did on my birthday!' when if you didn't know, you might be perfectly happy.

We tell each other not to look for few days. By the time we do, it's buried enough that it doesn't matter.

 

[Aeval]

A friend of mine came to visit the last time I was home...we went out for the afternoon to a pub, she bought a round and said she had to become resourceful since not working (she's been married 25 years). She was a cook in a restaurant and got tips, so she always had spending money of her own. Now that she's not working she had to come up with a way to get her own "tuckies".

LOL...she'll use the debit card to buy groceries and always take $20 or $30 in cash back so her husband doesn't know she's taking from the account.

See...I don't think that's right, I find it funny, but I work, I don't want to have to sneak or lie to spend my own money.

 

[Niamh]

A friend of mine came to visit the last time I was home...we went out for the afternoon to a pub, she bought a round and said she had to become resourceful since not working (she's been married 25 years). She was a cook in a restaurant and got tips, so she always had spending money of her own. Now that she's not working she had to come up with a way to get her own "tuckies".

LOL...she'll use the debit card to buy groceries and always take $20 or $30 in cash back so her husband doesn't know she's taking from the account.

See...I don't think that's right, I find it funny, but I work, I don't want to have to sneak or lie to spend my own money.

Yeah, that would really bother me as well, not that my husband would mind, I just don't want to have to run everything I want to buy past someone. I understand it's different when only one of the couple works but when we both work I don't see the need to lump all our money together, the way we have the bills worked out, we both end up with a similar amount anyway.

 

[MjaneGibson]

That's the way I feel. It's so obvious to me, on so many levels, that we shouldn't be together. Now this money thing is causing grief and we don't agree...so it's just something else to the list.

BUT...I love his family and my family is so happy we're together, that would be really difficult for me plus we have the house, our dog, our stuff..it would be such a huge pain in the ass to go through a split.

BUT...does HE make you happy? Can you name 5 things he does on a regular basis that makes you go, "ooh, right, that's why I am with him?"

 

[Aeval]

BUT...does HE make you happy? Can you name 5 things he does on a regular basis that makes you go, "ooh, right, that's why I am with him?"

Let me get back to you on that...

 

[MjaneGibson]

I hope things get better...maybe if you can remember why you two started dating, you can try to revert back to that. Good luck ma darlin!

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

I'm not a rich man. However, if I ever decide to marry a woman who happens to be terrible at managing money, I will want seperate bank accounts. I've worked hard for my money over the years. I'm going to let anyone deplete my life savings!

 

[Kat]

I can see pro's and con's to having a joint bank account. Really it comes down to do you trust the person youre with to be completly honest with you about money spent? And how do they view their own money? Do they truly live by the creed of "our money" or something darn close to it.

Ive done the joint account with an ex. That did not go so well considering the lying cheating bastard stole from it. Though then again I should have known better anyways as he always considered his money his. As well as mine his.

For the guy Im with now. We didnt make it to a joint account per say. But I have access to all of his accounts. (business and personal) I handle the bills out of it, do the deposits, I have been out of work for awhile now so usually I am unable to contribute much to rent and such (though that should change shortly). Though I do handle all the food. And when I did get money in I always spent it on the little odds and ends we needed. Where yes sometimes he would over spend, or even I would. We both just buckled down to deal with it, learned a lesson and moved on. I am lucky with him, he jokes sometimes and says "whats mine is yours and whats yours is yours" (when it came to money) because he knows I have so little, he even takes it a step further and has always told me take what I need (though because of the tight situation I never buy anything unless i can scrape together the money and its an urgent need) Which he sees and appreciates. He was screwed over by his ex who stole from his account, told him she was paying the bills and never did (she kept the money) So to him, I know it was a huge show of trust when he let me access his accounts

I think a joint account can work if you are honest with eachother and on the same page, for the most part. I think its good if you have a joint account but also still keep a seperate one too.

 

[Niamh]

I can see pro's and con's to having a joint bank account. Really it comes down to do you trust the person youre with to be completly honest with you about money spent? And how do they view their own money? Do they truly live by the creed of "our money" or something darn close to it.

Ive done the joint account with an ex. That did not go so well considering the lying cheating bastard stole from it. Though then again I should have known better anyways as he always considered his money his. As well as mine his.

For the guy Im with now. We didnt make it to a joint account per say. But I have access to all of his accounts. (business and personal) I handle the bills out of it, do the deposits, I have been out of work for awhile now so usually I am unable to contribute much to rent and such (though that should change shortly). Though I do handle all the food. And when I did get money in I always spent it on the little odds and ends we needed. Where yes sometimes he would over spend, or even I would. We both just buckled down to deal with it, learned a lesson and moved on. I am lucky with him, he jokes sometimes and says "whats mine is yours and whats yours is yours" (when it came to money) because he knows I have so little, he even takes it a step further and has always told me take what I need (though because of the tight situation I never buy anything unless i can scrape together the money and its an urgent need) Which he sees and appreciates. He was screwed over by his ex who stole from his account, told him she was paying the bills and never did (she kept the money) So to him, I know it was a huge show of trust when he let me access his accounts

I think a joint account can work if you are honest with eachother and on the same page, for the most part. I think its good if you have a joint account but also still keep a seperate one too.

Yeah, definitely agree with is. Again, it's nothing to do with trust for me, I trust my husband completely and he's very good with money, I just like to have my own account too, as does he.

 

[redliner]

We have one bank account. She can do whatever she wants with it. She takes care everything money wise so she can spend it as she pleases. I get 60 dollars a week. Works very well.

 

[satinbutterfly]

I've always thought having a joint account is the way to go. I think with separate accounts if one partner makes significantly more than they other it could lead to resentment if they get to purchase lots of things for themselves and the partner who doesn't make as much can't. It just shows you really don't want to trust or work with your partner to discuss your finances and how to spend money. It shows you just want to spend on what you choose and not take your partner into consideration. If you want autonomy and just want to think about yourself... well then don't get married.

 

[Aeval]

We have one bank account. She can do whatever she wants with it. She takes care everything money wise so she can spend it as she pleases. I get 60 dollars a week. Works very well.

I have friends that are the exact same, only he gets $40. He doesn't even know how much his pay is.

I couldn't do it, personally.

 

[Aeval]

I've always thought having a joint account is the way to go. I think with separate accounts if one partner makes significantly more than they other it could lead to resentment if they get to purchase lots of things for themselves and the partner who doesn't make as much can't. It just shows you really don't want to trust or work with your partner to discuss your finances and how to spend money. It shows you just want to spend on what you choose and not take your partner into consideration. If you want autonomy and just want to think about yourself... well then don't get married.

If the partner that is earning more buys things for themselves and is almost flaunting those purchases, there's a lot more wrong with the relationship than a bank account, imo. That's pretty rotten.

 

[satinbutterfly]

If the partner that is earning more buys things for themselves and is almost flaunting those purchases, there's a lot more wrong with the relationship than a bank account, imo. That's pretty rotten.

They don't have to be flaunting them. But I think if my partner went and got themselves and iPad2 when I'd been saving for months and still wasn't close I'd be kind of angry. It just seems really selfish to me that you wouldn't want to share what you have with the person you've decided to spend the rest of your life with. Not to mention how much it will complicate things if you have children together.

 

[Aeval]

They don't have to be flaunting them. But I think if my partner went and got themselves and iPad2 when I'd been saving for months and still wasn't close I'd be kind of angry. It just seems really selfish to me that you wouldn't want to share what you have with the person you've decided to spend the rest of your life with. Not to mention how much it will complicate things if you have children together.

I know what you're saying, I think that would definitely cause friction and I totally disagree with something like that happening.

I just don't want 100% of my money pooled, I want my own, I think I just feel more secure that way.