Relationships and Money

[MjaneGibson]

How may flippin' comic books does he have??? Are they worth anything? That's madness.

Sometimes putting it down on paper helps....put down all the regular monthly bills so he can see them, then make a "wish list", maybe seeing a goal is something that would make him think and realize how much he actually pisses away. I have no idea, but it's helped me in the past.

He has about 3 boxes of them (holding about 100 comics each). The thing with it is that he had a lot before I met them, and lost them all when his house flooded. I think he became a little obsessed with trying to build up his collection again. Some are worth something, others aren't.

I have recently asked him what he wants to have long term (car, house, etc), and I think that helped him to realize that all of the stuff he thinks he can't have because they're too much money, can actually be bought pretty easily if he cuts down on his comic spending. We have a deal going on right now that he isn't to buy comics online for a month. We'll see how long that lasts!

 

[Aeval]

Have you thought about just saying to him, why didn't he get you at least a card for valentines? And then that'd hopefully lead neatly into a conversation about how hurtful it is that he spends so much money on other things, but can't even buy you a bunch of flowers or something.

That's true. But do it better than I did...I lost it when I tried to tell him I was hurt that he didn't even get me as much as a card. I was stewing for 4 days and then blew.

 

[MjaneGibson]

that's crappy...mine did the same thing, I outright told him. He claimed he didn't have a lot of money (I made him a valentine). Men need to understand that a simple "I love you" on a post can be sufficient. Has he made it up to you!?

 

[darkcgi]

he has a "false idol"
look this phrase up google

 

[Aeval]

He has about 3 boxes of them (holding about 100 comics each). The thing with it is that he had a lot before I met them, and lost them all when his house flooded. I think he became a little obsessed with trying to build up his collection again. Some are worth something, others aren't.

I have recently asked him what he wants to have long term (car, house, etc), and I think that helped him to realize that all of the stuff he thinks he can't have because they're too much money, can actually be bought pretty easily if he cuts down on his comic spending. We have a deal going on right now that he isn't to buy comics online for a month. We'll see how long that lasts!

Hopefully he'll realize all the other things you guys CAN have if that money was put to better use. A friend vowed to quit smoking for a month...he was around a pack a day, so he put the cost of a pack of cigs each day in a can for one month...he was amazed with all the extra cash he had to put towards something he really wanted. He never smoked again.

 

[Aeval]

that's crappy...mine did the same thing, I outright told him. He claimed he didn't have a lot of money (I made him a valentine). Men need to understand that a simple "I love you" on a post can be sufficient. Has he made it up to you!?

Me? No....

He actually told me that he was going to get me a necklace and he walked by it everyday wondering if he should or not....he said he didn't because I'm a bitch and wouldn't appreciate it.

I lost it again....

He said I say I'm a bitch so it's ok if he does...it is the truth after all. And thinks that's perfectly acceptable.:smiley24:

Oh well, that has nothing to do with money. I just think that the household expenses should be shared, not necessarily equally, it should go according to what each can afford. I know I pay more, that's fine...but I don't want him to have access to ALL of my pay, nor do I want to spend his.

 

[HK]

He actually told me that he was going to get me a necklace and he walked by it everyday wondering if he should or not....he said he didn't because I'm a bitch and wouldn't appreciate it.

I know I can't really preach because my relationship isn't exactly fantastic right now, but.... why are you with this guy?

 

[Niamh]

True, but as far as what I have seen with many couples, that model works the best. imo

I disagree, for bills yeah but I think having a bit of financial independence is a good thing which is why we both (and I know alot of other couples who are the same) also have our own bank accounts too.

 

[Aeval]

I know I can't really preach because my relationship isn't exactly fantastic right now, but.... why are you with this guy?

Trust me...not a day goes by that I don't ask myself that very questions. It's just easier to stay together than to go through all the bs to part is the best excuse I have right now.

 

[HK]

Trust me...not a day goes by that I don't ask myself that very questions. It's just easier to stay together than to go through all the bs to part is the best excuse I have right now.

Yeah I know that feeling part of me thinks this whole living together before marriage thing is mainly good for keeping bad couples together way longer than necessary, because it's so much damn hassle to split up. Aside from the emotional stuff, I can't bear to think of trying to sort all my stuff out.

 

[Aeval]

Yeah I know that feeling part of me thinks this whole living together before marriage thing is mainly good for keeping bad couples together way longer than necessary, because it's so much damn hassle to split up. Aside from the emotional stuff, I can't bear to think of trying to sort all my stuff out.

That's the way I feel. It's so obvious to me, on so many levels, that we shouldn't be together. Now this money thing is causing grief and we don't agree...so it's just something else to the list.

BUT...I love his family and my family is so happy we're together, that would be really difficult for me plus we have the house, our dog, our stuff..it would be such a huge pain in the ass to go through a split.

 

[Panacea]

I disagree, for bills yeah but I think having a bit of financial independence is a good thing which is why we both (and I know alot of other couples who are the same) also have our own bank accounts too.

I agree, I've seen a lot of people get resentful when their money goes in one pot and they never have any autonomy. Marriage is a partnership, but I think it's unwise to remove all forms of autonomy.

 

[Panacea]

Yeah I know that feeling part of me thinks this whole living together before marriage thing is mainly good for keeping bad couples together way longer than necessary, because it's so much damn hassle to split up. Aside from the emotional stuff, I can't bear to think of trying to sort all my stuff out.

I've thought of this, it's an interesting point. I'd like to live with my bf before we marry but I legally can't lol...still, I lived with my ex a long time and it was good for nothing but what you mention...

That's the way I feel. It's so obvious to me, on so many levels, that we shouldn't be together. Now this money thing is causing grief and we don't agree...so it's just something else to the list.

BUT...I love his family and my family is so happy we're together, that would be really difficult for me plus we have the house, our dog, our stuff..it would be such a huge pain in the ass to go through a split.

I will just say, I am prone to thinking we anticipate a lot more hassle than we actually go through in a split. It's hard, but so is a lifetime of misery. Kind of the "ripping off the bandaid" philosophy.

 

[Niamh]

I agree, I've seen a lot of people get resentful when their money goes in one pot and they never have any autonomy. Marriage is a partnership, but I think it's unwise to remove all forms of autonomy.

exactly, I don't want to have to ask permission or explain every penny I spend and neither does my husband, marriage is a partnership and me and my husband are a great team but you also need to have some sort of independence too.

 

[Aeval]

I've thought of this, it's an interesting point. I'd like to live with my bf before we marry but I legally can't lol...still, I lived with my ex a long time and it was good for nothing but what you mention...

You legally can't??

I will just say, I am prone to thinking we anticipate a lot more hassle than we actually go through in a split. It's hard, but so is a lifetime of misery. Kind of the "ripping off the bandaid" philosophy.

Oh, I think it would have been over long ago if it was just him and I, but my parents are aging and I don't want to disappoint them again (a couple of ugly break-ups under my belt) and I adore his parents so I don't want to lose them, either. We have a 1/2 decent life together...it'll work, I don't expect 'magic' anymore...I'm too old for that foolishness.

 

[Panacea]

Immigration issues

Oh, I think it would have been over long ago if it was just him and I, but my parents are aging and I don't want to disappoint them again (a couple of ugly break-ups under my belt) and I adore his parents so I don't want to lose them, either. We have a 1/2 decent life together...it'll work, I don't expect 'magic' anymore...I'm too old for that foolishness.

From my view, Nicholas Sparks novel love story magic isn't reality. No. Every day won't be a romantic journey through adoration and selflessness with boxed chocolate, but some of the things you've posted (things he's said or done) represents foolishness of a different kind- either the belief a bad relationship will get better, or the belief you deserve a fairly bad relationship.

In my admittedly limited experience in life I've come to believe people don't express concerns and complaints if they could easily brush them aside. "I know I talk about __________ a lot but it's not really a big deal at all".

Let someone talk freely and they'll tell you all you need to know about what's eating at them.
It's my humble opinion your parents may not be as hurt by your breakups as they might be by your unhappiness.

 

[MjaneGibson]

Hopefully he'll realize all the other things you guys CAN have if that money was put to better use. A friend vowed to quit smoking for a month...he was around a pack a day, so he put the cost of a pack of cigs each day in a can for one month...he was amazed with all the extra cash he had to put towards something he really wanted. He never smoked again.

Great idea! I should try that....I quit a long time ago but then moved in next door to a place that sells single cigs maybe I'll put a dollar in the jar everytime...

 

[MjaneGibson]

Immigration issues



From my view, Nicholas Sparks novel love story magic isn't reality. No. Every day won't be a romantic journey through adoration and selflessness with boxed chocolate, but some of the things you've posted (things he's said or done) represents foolishness of a different kind- either the belief a bad relationship will get better, or the belief you deserve a fairly bad relationship.

In my admittedly limited experience in life I've come to believe people don't express concerns and complaints if they could easily brush them aside. "I know I talk about __________ a lot but it's not really a big deal at all".

Let someone talk freely and they'll tell you all you need to know about what's eating at them.
It's my humble opinion your parents may not be as hurt by your breakups as they might be by your unhappiness.

true! if you have more complains other than the occasional bad decision or lack of being more aware, then you should probably address it. Maybe all you really need to do is talk it out, or maybe move on :/

and I agree with Panacea about your parents and his...they just want you to be happy, and I think they'd rather you be on your own if it means that you have more of a possibility to be happy

 

[Aeval]

Immigration issues



From my view, Nicholas Sparks novel love story magic isn't reality. No. Every day won't be a romantic journey through adoration and selflessness with boxed chocolate, but some of the things you've posted (things he's said or done) represents foolishness of a different kind- either the belief a bad relationship will get better, or the belief you deserve a fairly bad relationship.

In my admittedly limited experience in life I've come to believe people don't express concerns and complaints if they could easily brush them aside. "I know I talk about __________ a lot but it's not really a big deal at all".

Let someone talk freely and they'll tell you all you need to know about what's eating at them.
It's my humble opinion your parents may not be as hurt by your breakups as they might be by your unhappiness.

Really hit home...thanks. You're so right.

 

[All Else Failed]

I agree, I've seen a lot of people get resentful when their money goes in one pot and they never have any autonomy. Marriage is a partnership, but I think it's unwise to remove all forms of autonomy.

I don't think two people putting their money in one pot removes autonomy, though.


Growing up, my parents put all of their money together, and if one of them wanted some for something for themselves or what have you, they simply talked to the other and agreed upon it.