Peter Parka
Well-Known Member
A Nice Hard Slap - Masturing Bation
* By Nick Nunziata
* Published Yesterday
(the full article along with links and a Mary Worth War comic strip can be found at: A Nice Hard Slap - Masturing Bation )
I gave a lady some shit yesterday for saying she was going to "jerk off" that evening. As a man I don't ask for much but I do ask that we are allowed to keep "jerking off" all to ourselves. There are plenty of wonderful terms to describe a woman making time with herself, but though it's physically possible for them to "jerk off" I think it could be worded differently enough for us guys to maintain our status as the bastions of jerking off.
I then was given this link. It is a link you really, REALLY need to click, read, and forward (Overcoming Masturbation). It's a Mormon guide to avoiding that most horrible of sins, making yourself happy and getting rid of the unspent sexual energy that probably keeps you from snapping and killing worlds. You need to read the shit out of it. I'll wait...
OK, and now my annotated version of "Overcoming Masturbation". Their text is in italics (and once again, it is all gleaned from HERE) and mine is in the bullet points that follow:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
* Well, since I consider "normal washing" me grabbing my dick between two soapy sponges and doing jumping jacks, I can get behind this Mormon suggestion.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
* Avoiding being alone isn't really a cure for excessive masturbation. It's a cure for being a fucking douchebag loser. If you find good company, maybe you can all jerk each other off. If you find GREAT company, perhaps you could substitute your masturbation for honest-to-Teddy Ruxpin intercourse. And pay heed; remembering that intercourse in fine detail will most certainly help your next furious bout of handfucking.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
* What the fuck kind of friendship leads to two guys discussing their own plentiful masturbation? "You know Thad, this football game is intense but I can't watch helmets smacking together without being reminded of the sounds my balls make against the air mattress in the nighttime dark". "Funny you should say that, Clive. I was just about to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could send another volley of my own seed into the shower drain". Instead of breaking off a friendship because you have a common bond, why not break it off because you're so shitty at being a friend that you can't find anything interesting to do or discuss?
4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
* What the fuck? Have I made a huge error all my life? I have never, EVER thought of jerking off to ME. Not even on my cutest and most irresistible day have I seen myself in the mirror and thought "no way I'm sharing this with someone else". Of all the people to get hard about, I'm low on the list. I'd jack off to the rotting carcass of Mother Teresa before my own unholy effigy. Then again, she's kinda hot...
5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).
* Thankfully I only masturbate while perched on the top of the chimney outside.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
* Are they really saying this? Instead of relieving stress, eat at odd hours and become a bloated fuckface no one BUT YOU would want to fuck. This is what is referred to as a Snatch-22.
7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
* OK. Except my imagination is so awesome I don't need porn. I could be watching my friends get shot up on Normandy's Beaches and still have enough in me to fire a few hundred thousand of my best friends onto the sand.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
* I'm on the fence. What are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John wearing?
* By Nick Nunziata
* Published Yesterday
(the full article along with links and a Mary Worth War comic strip can be found at: A Nice Hard Slap - Masturing Bation )
I gave a lady some shit yesterday for saying she was going to "jerk off" that evening. As a man I don't ask for much but I do ask that we are allowed to keep "jerking off" all to ourselves. There are plenty of wonderful terms to describe a woman making time with herself, but though it's physically possible for them to "jerk off" I think it could be worded differently enough for us guys to maintain our status as the bastions of jerking off.
I then was given this link. It is a link you really, REALLY need to click, read, and forward (Overcoming Masturbation). It's a Mormon guide to avoiding that most horrible of sins, making yourself happy and getting rid of the unspent sexual energy that probably keeps you from snapping and killing worlds. You need to read the shit out of it. I'll wait...
OK, and now my annotated version of "Overcoming Masturbation". Their text is in italics (and once again, it is all gleaned from HERE) and mine is in the bullet points that follow:
1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom.
* Well, since I consider "normal washing" me grabbing my dick between two soapy sponges and doing jumping jacks, I can get behind this Mormon suggestion.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak.
* Avoiding being alone isn't really a cure for excessive masturbation. It's a cure for being a fucking douchebag loser. If you find good company, maybe you can all jerk each other off. If you find GREAT company, perhaps you could substitute your masturbation for honest-to-Teddy Ruxpin intercourse. And pay heed; remembering that intercourse in fine detail will most certainly help your next furious bout of handfucking.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
* What the fuck kind of friendship leads to two guys discussing their own plentiful masturbation? "You know Thad, this football game is intense but I can't watch helmets smacking together without being reminded of the sounds my balls make against the air mattress in the nighttime dark". "Funny you should say that, Clive. I was just about to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could send another volley of my own seed into the shower drain". Instead of breaking off a friendship because you have a common bond, why not break it off because you're so shitty at being a friend that you can't find anything interesting to do or discuss?
4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
* What the fuck? Have I made a huge error all my life? I have never, EVER thought of jerking off to ME. Not even on my cutest and most irresistible day have I seen myself in the mirror and thought "no way I'm sharing this with someone else". Of all the people to get hard about, I'm low on the list. I'd jack off to the rotting carcass of Mother Teresa before my own unholy effigy. Then again, she's kinda hot...
5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation).
* Thankfully I only masturbate while perched on the top of the chimney outside.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
* Are they really saying this? Instead of relieving stress, eat at odd hours and become a bloated fuckface no one BUT YOU would want to fuck. This is what is referred to as a Snatch-22.
7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.
* OK. Except my imagination is so awesome I don't need porn. I could be watching my friends get shot up on Normandy's Beaches and still have enough in me to fire a few hundred thousand of my best friends onto the sand.
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.
* I'm on the fence. What are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John wearing?