If You Dating A Person With A Child

[Dana]

Or if you have a child, how long does it take you to bring them around your child or how long would you have to date someone if there is a time limit?

 

[alice in chains]

i think putting time limits on it is the wrong approach. a time limit doesn't always match what you think, so listen to your instinct above all.

 

[Dana]

i think putting time limits on it is the wrong approach. a time limit doesn't always match what you think, so listen to your instinct above all.

That is exactly how I feel.

 

[AnitaBeer]

There is still a time limit that is needed in a sense. Some people can feel comfortable with someone right away but still won't bring that person around their kids right away. I certainly don't, no matter, how comfortable I feel right off the bat.

Taking time to get to know each other first and seeing how they are is what should be priority. Introducing someone to kids right away isn't good for the kids.

Of course, I'm speaking in terms of looking at a possibility of a relationship with someone. If it is strictly going to be as friends, then same guidelines in a sense. You want to make sure that person can be trusted before bringing them around your kids.

No I don't speak for everyone, but I do speak for myself as a parent, which is good enough for me.

 

[Staci]

este and i dated almost a year before he met my son. i wanted to make sure that the man i brought around my children was not going to up and vanish in a month.

thats just me

 

[alice in chains]

There is still a time limit that is needed in a sense. Some people can feel comfortable with someone right away but still won't bring that person around their kids right away. I certainly don't, no matter, how comfortable I feel right off the bat.

Taking time to get to know each other first and seeing how they are is what should be priority. Introducing someone to kids right away isn't good for the kids.

Of course, I'm speaking in terms of looking at a possibility of a relationship with someone. If it is strictly going to be as friends, then same guidelines in a sense. You want to make sure that person can be trusted before bringing them around your kids.

No I don't speak for everyone, but I do speak for myself as a parent, which is good enough for me.

good point

 

[HK]

I don't have a child myself, but if I were a single parent then I'd very wary about introducing my child to someone I'd only just met, even if I really liked them.


After all, lots of people date for a few weeks or months, then split up. I wouldn't want to be one of those parents who's constantly ushering new men in and out of my child's life, just because 'this one feels like right'.


If you're not the parent Dana then all you can do is wait patiently for them to feel comfortable with it. You can't blame a single mum for not immediately throwing you into her child's life, these sorts of things blow up all the time. You yourself must be aware how short-term some promising relationships can turn out to be.

 

[Joe the meek]

You wait until you KNOW that person is going to be in your life for a long time, and God forbid you actually think you might marry them.

At a minimum, I'd say at least a year. Too many bad things can happen to quickly.

When I dated girls who had children, some women scared the living hell out of me on how quickly they wanted to introduce me to their children.

That said, for some people, for whatever reason, they feel lost if they aren't in a relationship and just keep going from one to another without any regards to the causalities they may cause, particularly for children.

I was a man whore some time ago, but I NEVER got children involved. Except when I was 24 and dated a 40 year old who had a 17 year old daughter and I'll never forget when we went out to dinner and her daughter had a 26 year old boyfriend. That one was a little weird, but I did date that woman for over a year LMAO.

 

[Panacea]

I think it's more responsible to make sure the relationship is serious. It would seem hard to be a child with a parent who is constantly bringing new dates around.

 

[Dana]

I think a year is way too long especially when you are the sole parent. If you are working, and have a hard time getting sitters, your personal life and family life are bound to overlap and I don't think that is a bad situation at all.

 

[HK]

Still not your decision. If you can't handle dating someone who doesn't have much free time to see you then that's fine, but don't try and press them into making you a part of their child's life before they feel ready. It is not up to you to judge when that time should be.


Seriously Dana, how many women have you dated briefly, only for it to fall apart after a few weeks or months? Enough to know it's not exactly an unusual occurrence. How long have you been seeing this girl? Are you going to marry her? If you're not 100% that you're going to be in her life permanently then you can't say that she should let you overlap into her family life, just because it would be more convenient for you.

 

[Dana]

Still not your decision. If you can't handle dating someone who doesn't have much free time to see you then that's fine, but don't try and press them into making you a part of their child's life before they feel ready. It is not up to you to judge when that time should be.


Seriously Dana, how many women have you dated briefly, only for it to fall apart after a few weeks or months? Enough to know it's not exactly an unusual occurrence. How long have you been seeing this girl? Are you going to marry her? If you're not 100% that you're going to be in her life permanently then you can't say that she should let you overlap into her family life, just because it would be more convenient for you.

I have a realistic take on things. I'm not looking for anything that is asking too much. I'm just calling it how I see it. You may not agree with me and that is totally fine. My problem is she was trying to predetermine a set amount of time. I say let it happen when it happens. Too many people over think things.

 

[HK]

Okay. Fair enough it just sounded to me like you're saying if it's hard for her to find a sitter then she should introduce you to her kid already, rather than giving up time with you.


She might be trying to put a time on it so that you don't feel like you're left hanging. If she said 'I don't know, when I feel ready' then you might be here wondering when 'ready' was going to be. By putting a rough time frame on it, she's at least giving you an idea of what to expect, rather than you thinking it might be in a month, or never.

 

[Dana]

I also come from an upbringing where my mother started dating a high school beau right after she broke up with her bf of 10 years and she never hid it from me, so I don't see an issue with it. But there was considerable age difference between me and say her child. I was 10 at the time.

(They're still together BTW... Sometimes I wonder how... But they are )

 

[Francis]

I think a year is way too long especially when you are the sole parent. If you are working, and have a hard time getting sitters, your personal life and family life are bound to overlap and I don't think that is a bad situation at all.

1 year is a long time but if your not the parent its not your problem.. If they can keep the child out of it for 2 years and feel more comfortable about it and it doesn't impact you why worry ?

I don't see the issue here.. If it's not your child , why would you be in such a big rush to take on that big a responsibility ?

Speaking from EXPERIENCE I did date a woman with a child and eventually did take that child on as mine.. At first that child was mean, negative and would treat me like dirt.. I was not daddy and she figured I was taking Mommy away.. Took me all of 5 years to get past that.. When me and my ex finally split up after 7 years of being married 9 years of knowing, my daughter was closer to me but the added responsibility is a great challenge.

Don't get me wrong, I very much care for her and would do almost anything to protect her.. But seriously think about what you plan on getting yourself into before you move forward on this..

As an example, will you need to deal with a seriously overly protective father, and you can NEVER put him down in front of the kid(s) ?
What are your state laws in domestic disputes if he comes after you ?
What are your state laws pertaining to being a father figure ?
Have you even discussed the child's health situation ?
If the child has any medical condition, will you be able to deal with it ?

Having had a son of our own is a MAJOR factor of stress let alone my daughter who is going through serious issues right now..

If I met a lady tomorrow, you can bet, I would not introduce her to my son until I was dead sure she was damn ready to deal with his medical condition ( nut allergies ) that are so severe he WILL die in 20 seconds unless he gets his Epi Pen, and you better not be a wuss to administer it because see yah later Miss.. I will never get another son like him..

 

[Dana]

1 year is a long time but if your not the parent its not your problem.. If they can keep the child out of it for 2 years and feel more comfortable about it and it doesn't impact you why worry ?

I'm not in a rush. I'm just being realistic. She's talked about wanting me to come down to where she lives eventually. She has full custody of the child and has been having a hard time finding sitters so, how does one think they can accomplish keeping their personal life and family life separate? They cannot.

 

[Francis]

I'm not in a rush. I'm just being realistic. She's talked about wanting me to come down to where she lives eventually. She has full custody of the child and has been having a hard time finding sitters so, how does one think they can accomplish keeping their personal life and family life separate? They cannot.

You would be amazed..

I keep my personal life, business life and dating life all separate and I travel quite a bit.. Yup they are all different Dana.. Personal as in friends, Dating as in women. Parents are very creative when required..

 

[satinbutterfly]

I used to think it wasn't a big deal to introduce kids to the person you're dating, as long as it was serious.

However, I had a really awkward experience with my nephew which has now led me to decide that it should be handled with a lot more care. My oldest nephew (3 at the time) really struggled when Doug and I stopped dating. He asked about him and was confused as to why he wasn't around anymore. My brother explained we weren't friends anymore, but it was still awkward and he was still upset about it. I felt terrible about exposing him to loss like that.

So now that Doug's back, he's very very happy. It's kinda cute. But if things with Doug and I don't work out it's going to be very difficult to explain to him. I just don't like the idea of my actions hurting him.

 

[Aeval]

I dated a guy for over 3 years that had 4 children...shared custody, so he had them for 4 days a week.

We met at a party one night, he invited me to another one the following night (Christmas holidays) and he called the following night inviting me over for a movie....his 4 kids were there, I nearly dropped.

One of the girls was extremely attached to me from the beginning and vice versa, I adored her, she was a little tom boy and so, so smart, and over-looked in a way by the rest of the family. She was the 3rd child...the oldest was "the wise one" because she was the oldest, the 2nd was the first/only boy, so treated like a king, then there was my girl and the 4th was 4 and special needs.

We were so close....I'm telling you losing those kids, especially my buddy (who made me pinky swear I'd never leave her), was the most painful experience of my life, I really didn't think I was going to live, and for a time I didn't want to, they were my world.

Anyway....what I'm trying to say is: be careful, I know it seems easier to meet the child now so you can spend more time with his/her mother, but the child will get attached and so will you, if it's not a relationship you see going the distance, don't put the child or yourself through the pain.

 

[Staci]

im gonna throw this out there.....once you have a child your "you" time is less restricted. and yes you can keep personal life and family life seperated...especially when you consider your child's feelings/impressions over your own "lusts" at the time. some people will put relationships with a boyfriend or girlfriend over the relationship with their own child. i have always told este that my kids come first. i even had the discussion that if my son didnt like him we were gonna have some issues. the way i look at it is...my kids will always be my kids, however men can come and go.