Flo's Diner

[Aeval]

I love it! There's nothing like an outdoor fire.

 

[Aeval]

I am soooo relieved. I've been beating myself up over some things my husband says and how he thinks I should spend my time while on days off.

A co-worker is going through the same thing...it's funny...listening to her say it, I think her husband is a jerk for acting the way he does, but I'm willing to accept the same bullshit from mine, or was trying to justify him speaking to me the way he does.

Not any more...I should be "allowed" to spend time with friends and not feel guilty, I should also not feel bad if I want alone time. Yeah...that's it...that's the way it *should* be.

 

[Natasha]

There ya go, Flo. Remember all that stuff you just said to me??? Time to listen to your own advice and not put up w/ that stuff.

 

[Aeval]

I know...but it's hard, right? He says his shit and I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I *know* I'm not...but that small doubt is always there.

He even admits to having control issues...well, he doesn't think it's an "issue", it's just the way it is (he says), that he has always been 100% in control of everything in his life...I try to explain that it's not going to work that way, I am not his possession to control, I'm his wife.

It's hard....it's honestly to the point now that I don't know if I want to be married to him. I know there's bound to be adjustments, but it's not just me that has to compromise and he doesn't seem to get it. We're going to Mexico in January - I'm just hoping we'll learn to see eye to eye by then.

 

[Natasha]

Aww, I'm sorry, Flo. *hugs* I hope things get better for you.

 

[Aeval]

Oh, it's not that bad, I guess...I'm managing. Being away 2 weeks at a time helps, I guess, and hurts our relationship. Who knows.....

 

[Natasha]

I'll tell you like I used to tell Darrell when I'd ask how he was and he'd say "meh, I'm okay, not that bad." Not that bad isn't the same as good. I think your trip will be a good time for you guys to work on things. For sure, marriage is not something that should be thrown away just b/c things aren't all roses and unicorns farting rainbows...it takes work. I'm glad you're of THAT mindset and not the mindset that seems to have become common these days, which is "meh, this is too hard, fuck it."

 

[Aeval]

You know what...I started to type that I didn't want to stay with him earlier and at times, that's the truth. I knew it would be hard, but didn't realize it would be THIS hard. I'm not one to bail and I took my vows seriously but I just don't know how to reach him and make him realize that he can't be calling me a miserable bitch and deliberately try to make me feel bad about wanting to go do things I like just because he's not into it.

I accept it will take work and I will work, I just wish he felt the same way.

 

[Natasha]

It takes work on BOTH of your parts, though. You can do all the work in the world, but if he's not willing to put in the same effort, it's not going to work. It sounds like you're willing to do your part...now he needs to be the same way!!!

 

[Aeval]

I shouldn't have started talking about it, because now I'm thinking more and more.

He says such horrible things....I was with a guy for 15 years, I love him to death, we're still good friends. But he had his issues, he was a coke addict and alcoholic, after we broke up, he drank a lot when we were together, but nothing that affected his day to day life. Anyway, I confided in my husband ages ago, when we were getting together that I went thru that with my ex, I felt for him and i went to meetings with him for support. I don't tell many people about my exes "bad years" I don't want him judged....

Anyway, my husband must have been holding this in his back pocket...he now yells at me when he's angry that he feels sorry for my ex...that I drove him to the point of alcoholisim and drug addiction because I'm such a miserable bitch. That *I* ruined his life. He doesn't even know my ex...he just wants to knock me down....I tell him that's abbusive talk, that he has no right to say such things. He tells me that he will never lie to me and that's the truth and I have to deal with it, that I've ruined all my relationships in the past because I'm so miserable...that's the word he always uses....miserable.

FUCK why did I have to start thinking about this?

 

[Natasha]

That shit's not right, Flo. You don't deserve that.

 

[Aeval]

I married him...and I have never said this anywhere...I didn't want to, I REALLY didn't want to, but I didn't think my mom could handle the stress and I didn't want to listen to how I'm flaky.

I knew this about him and I still went through with it, such is life. I have to make the best of it.

 

[Natasha]

I remember that just before the wedding you were full of doubts and, if I remember correctly, had thought about ending things just before that. At the time I wanted to say something and I can't remember if I did or not, but I remember thinking it wasn't my place. I admire you for having the guts to stick it out and try to make it work, but if you're REALLY unhappy there's no shame in ending it, either. I would wait until the trip to Mexico and see how things go and then start pondering more about what to do.

 

[Dana]

You don't want to be like my mom and her bf in 20 years... She has to pull teeth (Not that he has many left) to get him to do anything on his vacations. He has 6 weeks off a year. He'd rather lounge around the house in sweats and worry about the deficit and "economic collapse" he cannot do a thing about. He's codependent to the point I'm surprised my mother doesn't change his underwear but at the same time when he gets days off he never calls mom to tell her he's home all day but expects her to tell him where she's going. They started dating again when I was 10 and have been together since. I can count the amount of times hes gone Christmas shopping by himself on both hands if not one. If he doesn't go shopping mom has to pull him by his ear and tell him what she wants for Christmas. But hey whatever... They love each other... That or they're just set in there ways and comfortable with one another... Well I can't say that... Mom truly loves him...

 

[Aeval]

I remember that just before the wedding you were full of doubts and, if I remember correctly, had thought about ending things just before that. At the time I wanted to say something and I can't remember if I did or not, but I remember thinking it wasn't my place. I admire you for having the guts to stick it out and try to make it work, but if you're REALLY unhappy there's no shame in ending it, either. I would wait until the trip to Mexico and see how things go and then start pondering more about what to do.

Yeah, I was full of doubt, but too chicken to do anything about it. Never worry about saying something to me...jesus...I never take offense, it might sting at times, but the truth hurts and and I appreciate other points of view, I get too caught up in things to see the full picture sometimes.

I will wait to Mexico and I've decided to pour it on thick this hitch home to see what response I get. If he treats me like a housewife from the 50's still...it means he hasn't listened to a GD word I've said and never will.

 

[Aeval]

You don't want to be like my mom and her bf in 20 years... She has to pull teeth (Not that he has many left) to get him to do anything on his vacations. He has 6 weeks off a year. He'd rather lounge around the house in sweats and worry about the deficit and "economic collapse" he cannot do a thing about. He's codependent to the point I'm surprised my mother doesn't change his underwear but at the same time when he gets days off he never calls mom to tell her he's home all day but expects her to tell him where she's going. They started dating again when I was 10 and have been together since. I can count the amount of times hes gone Christmas shopping by himself on both hands if not one. If he doesn't go shopping mom has to pull him by his ear and tell him what she wants for Christmas. But hey whatever... They love each other... That or they're just set in there ways and comfortable with one another... Well I can't say that... Mom truly loves him...

There's the key right there. People make sacrifices when they're in love - it might not make sense to us on the outside looking in, but to them, it's quite basic.

It's give and take though but I'm tired of giving and feeling like just the bank acct or another possession of his.

Ugh...I don't know. I'll see him Tuesday and try to make the best of the 2 weeks home.

 

[Natasha]

Good luck, Flo!!! *hugs*

 

[Aeval]

Thanks, sorry about pissing and moaning. I hate being a downer.

 

[Natasha]

Thanks, sorry about pissing and moaning. I hate being a downer.

You're not a downer at all...and you can piss and moan all you want, my dear!!!

 

[Dana]

Good luck...