Letter Etiquette

[BornReady]

My mother-in-law wrote a nasty letter to my wife several months ago. The letter was addressed to her but she let me read it. My wife mentioned it to her sister and now her sister wants to read it. Would it be poor etiquette for my wife to allow her sister to read the letter? Was it poor etiquette for her to allow me to read it? What about legally, is it an invasion of my mother-in-law's privacy to let people read the letter?

I'm not worried about damaging the relationship with my mother-in-law. There is no relationship. We don't even talk to each other anymore. I'm just wondering what proper letter etiquette is.

 

[Natasha]

Personally, if you put anything in writing (whether it be by hand or on the internet) you should expect anybody and everybody to be able to have access to it if they want. So I don't think it's any kind of breach in etiquette and, honestly, if someone wrote me a nasty letter I wouldn't much care about etiquette.

 

[Codrus]

Personally, if you put anything in writing (whether it be by hand or on the internet) you should expect anybody and everybody to be able to have access to it if they want. So I don't think it's any kind of breach in etiquette and, honestly, if someone wrote me a nasty letter I wouldn't much care about etiquette.

i may be confusing something here....but ...
#1) isnt their a federal law against tampering with someones mail or something? (I.E. opening it/reading it/responding to it etc., if it is specifically addressed to someone else)
#2) if you expect everyone to have access to anything online...........................why do we have a V.I.P. section?

 

[Natasha]

i may be confusing something here....but ...
#1) isnt their a federal law against tampering with someones mail or something? (I.E. opening it/reading it/responding to it etc., if it is specifically addressed to someone else)

Not mail tampering when it was addressed to his wife who opened it and then let him read it. Once she's received and opened the mail, it's hers to do whatever she wishes. *shrugs*

#2) if you expect everyone to have access to anything online...........................why do we have a V.I.P. section?

There have been VIP leaks...IJS

 

[Codrus]

Not mail tampering when it was addressed to his wife who opened it and then let him read it. Once she's received and opened the mail, it's hers to do whatever she wishes. *shrugs*
There have been VIP leaks...IJS

......i was being a penis ...., i was going only off of what you said here

Personally, if you put anything in writing (whether it be by hand or on the internet) you should expect anybody and everybody to be able to have access to it if they want. So I don't think it's any kind of breach in etiquette and, honestly, if someone wrote me a nasty letter I wouldn't much care about etiquette.

 

[Natasha]

......i was being a penis ...., i was going only off of what you said here

You??? Being a dick??? Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh...perish the thought!!!

 

[Codrus]

Sorry BR,



as far as etiquette, you are your wifes partner in a relationship that involves/requires trust and sharing etc., you are directly involved.
if her sister is not directly involved (in the letter), try to leave her out as it would be unfair to draw her into it.
if the relationship is no big deal...let it go, cut ties ...what have you. dont get drawn into (or draw others into) something that could just escalate and hurt far more people than was ever intended
no point in being angry.....just makes it worse when emotions get involved

as far as legally..whats in the letter can be refuted and as long as the parties who are directly involved do not take adverse or negative action toward each other then i do not believe that either party could be held liable for slander/defamation of character etc. or have other legal action taken against them.

...and proper letter etiquette requires a response stating that you received the letter, found it distasteful (or whatever), this will be your final remarks on the subject and that you do not wish to receive further communiques from them in the future etc........(make a copy or 2, mail a copy to yourself and do not open it)...................this also kinda covers you legally as you have made it clear that you no longer wish to have further dealings with them or this matter.

im not sure whats in the letter (dont want to know), but family situations always complicate shit depending on what is actually involved................the devil is in the details

 

[HK]

Oh no, it's not an invasion of her privacy. She put it in writing addressed to your wife - once your wife has received it, it's hers to do with as she wishes.


She could show it to her sister but I'd be wary of dragging her into it if she isn't already involved.


I'm pretty sure this would only legally wrong for you if your wife had been looking through her mother's things and found the letter herself, rather than it being sent directly to her. Because then she could argue that she never intended it to be seen or read. But it was sent, so it's entirely up to your wife what she does with it now.


Remember recently there was that woman who got a nasty email from her mother-in-law regarding her upcoming wedding? It got everywhere, all over the news. There was zero mention of the mother-in-law's privacy.

 

[Peter Parka]

Personally, if you put anything in writing (whether it be by hand or on the internet) you should expect anybody and everybody to be able to have access to it if they want. So I don't think it's any kind of breach in etiquette and, honestly, if someone wrote me a nasty letter I wouldn't much care about etiquette.

This.

The person who it is addressed to is free to share it with whoever they want unless there's some legal contract about privacy here (which I seriously doubt). I'd just let them get on with it, support your wife when she needs it and be glad that no one can reasonably drag you into this matter.

 

[Panacea]

Unless her mother expressed not wanting anyone else to see the letter, nothing seems wrong, in my opinion.

 

[Peter Parka]

Unless her mother expressed not wanting anyone else to see the letter, nothing seems wrong, in my opinion.

Even if she didn't, it would depend on her motive. It's a bit like people sending PMs here. If it's personal private stuff then yes, by all means that should be kept private but when it's just an excuse to give abuse and threats so people don't know what a nasty peice of work you are, thats a different matter.
I only accept messages from people I'm friends with on here, mainly due to someone who isn't banned but rarely posts here any more sending me a nasty, racist message where, to put it in the politest terms possible, he hoped my missus gets gang raped by black men.

 

[Panacea]

I was just saying I don't think it's wrong for her to show BR and her sisters. Once you send someone something, especially without saying "keep this private", it's fair game.

 

[Aeval]

Shred it and forget about it....the more people that read it, the more talk there will be and it's only hurting or angering your family. She's the nasty cow that wrote it, let her regret her words in time when she hears about how happy you and your wife are, not giving her a second thought.

 

[hart]

I think it depends on the circumstances. For instance. Lets say hypothetically the sister was arguing with the wife that the mother was an angel and would never do or say such and such and it was hurting the relationship between the sisters. THAT might be an occasion to reveal the letter the mother had written-in order to show the mother is not the woman she portrays herself to be.

But then I have a weird mind

 

[Guyzerr]

i may be confusing something here....but ...
#1) isnt their a federal law against tampering with someones mail or something? (I.E. opening it/reading it/responding to it etc., if it is specifically addressed to someone else)

Yes there is but the letter has been opened by the intended recipient and what that person chooses to do with it is their business. If they want to let someone else read it so be it. I sure as hell wouldn't worry about what the m-i-l would think.

#2) if you expect everyone to have access to anything online...........................why do we have a V.I.P. section?

You know the answer to that but if you don't PM me and I'll enlighten you. There are many here that wouldn't want me to state the reason in public.

 

[HK]

I think the point is more that if you put anything in writing, anywhere, even in a supposedly private section of a website, there is always the possibility that your words will be seen by people you didn't intend.


Either by accident or otherwise.

 

[Aeval]

Etiquette-wise, I don't think there's anything wrong with her showing the letter, I just think she'd be better off getting rid of it.

 

[Kyle B]

One day when I was 12 or so, my parents weren't home so I decided to be nosy. I shuffled through papers in a desk and found an envelope that had a half inch stack of papers in it. I opened up the envelope and found a nice pile of hateful letters written between my parents and my aunt and uncle. Of course, I had no idea that these feelings existed and it made me sick. That was a nice rude awaking to how childish adults can be. I honestly don't even understand why you'd put that crap in a letter. It can be dug up at anytime in the future and used against you.

 

[Codrus]

Yes there is but the letter has been opened by the intended recipient and what that person chooses to do with it is their business. If they want to let someone else read it so be it. I sure as hell wouldn't worry about what the m-i-l would think.

You know the answer to that but if you don't PM me and I'll enlighten you. There are many here that wouldn't want me to state the reason in public.

read further down guy...i was going specifically off what Natasha said.....just to be an ass .

 

[Joe the meek]

Sorry BR,



as far as etiquette, you are your wifes partner in a relationship that involves/requires trust and sharing etc., you are directly involved.
if her sister is not directly involved (in the letter), try to leave her out as it would be unfair to draw her into it.
if the relationship is no big deal...let it go, cut ties ...what have you. dont get drawn into (or draw others into) something that could just escalate and hurt far more people than was ever intended
no point in being angry.....just makes it worse when emotions get involved

as far as legally..whats in the letter can be refuted and as long as the parties who are directly involved do not take adverse or negative action toward each other then i do not believe that either party could be held liable for slander/defamation of character etc. or have other legal action taken against them.

...and proper letter etiquette requires a response stating that you received the letter, found it distasteful (or whatever), this will be your final remarks on the subject and that you do not wish to receive further communiques from them in the future etc........(make a copy or 2, mail a copy to yourself and do not open it)...................this also kinda covers you legally as you have made it clear that you no longer wish to have further dealings with them or this matter.

im not sure whats in the letter (dont want to know), but family situations always complicate shit depending on what is actually involved................the devil is in the details

BIG +1

The letter was addressed and intended for your wife.

No reason whatsoever to bring anyone else into it.

Now, go posting it on the internet for everyone else to see, that's another story.

I might add you strike me as a man who would keep the letter to himself rather than just stir the pot, which you would most likely end up doing letting someone else read it.