Relationship Question

[Laure]

How often to you tell your significant other that you love them? When you say it, do you really think about what you are saying, or is it out of habit? If so, how long into the relationship did it become habit?

 

[Tyler Durden]

I said it first after, erm, two months. And I say it a lot I guess. Certainly she knows about it! And yes I mean it every time. Some more than other sure, but meant everytime

 

[Laure]

I said it first after, erm, two months. And I say it a lot I guess. Certainly she knows about it! And yes I mean it every time. Some more than other sure, but meant everytime

Let's say you're hanging up the phone and she tells you she loves you. Would you hang up without saying it just because it's not an intimate moment, or would you say it anyway?

My reason for asking is because my boyfriend does this, and it confuses the hell out of me. When I leave his house, or hang up the phone or anything else like that, I always end with, "Love ya." Yes, it's casual and quick, but the sentiment is there.

He, however, hardly ever says it back. I called him on it, in a half joking manner, and his explanation was that he thinks it's too easy for those words to become habit and lose meaning if they're just "thrown around" like that. If he only says it when "the time is right", then I'll know he means it.

I think that sounds a little weird, and it really bothers me sometimes. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl. I don't know. I was just curious if this would bother anybody else, or if I'm being weird and naggy about it.

 

[Tyler Durden]

Let's say you're hanging up the phone and she tells you she loves you. Would you hang up without saying it just because it's not an intimate moment, or would you say it anyway?

I'm not saying that what he does, or what I do, is right or wrong. Just that, for me, I say it whenever we say goodbye. And I don't do a "love ya" either. That always sounds, when I say it, like a cop out. Like I'm saying it but I'm embarassed to be doing so

 

[Sneakiecat]

We say it pretty often and it's always meant. It happened pretty early in our relationship. It was long-distance at the time and since we couldn't show it, we could at least say it.

 

[Tyler Durden]

We say it pretty often and it's always meant. It happened pretty early in our relationship. It was long-distance at the time and since we couldn't show it, we could at least say it.

You're preaching to the choir here :nod:

 

[Laure]

This is not making me feel better about the situation at all.

So, you're saying that you say it all the time? Is it abnormal for somebody to not want to say it?

(This is the first real relationship I've ever been in. I have no clue how all this is supposed to work. I only know it feels really crappy for him to ignore me when I tell him I love him.)

 

[Burntblood]

I guess I don't tell my wife often enough.
I really do love her but we've been married 21 years if she doesn't know that I love her by now then WTF?

 

[Tyler Durden]

This is not making me feel better about the situation at all.

So, you're saying that you say it all the time? Is it abnormal for somebody to not want to say it?

(This is the first real relationship I've ever been in. I have no clue how all this is supposed to work. I only know it feels really crappy for him to ignore me when I tell him I love him.)

Well I said there is no right or wrong Laure. Everyone is different, and just cause one partner does doesn't mean the other is necessarily that type of person

 

[Sneakiecat]

You're preaching to the choir here :nod:

It sucks but I don't regret a minute of it. It'll be over for you two soon enough.

This is not making me feel better about the situation at all.

So, you're saying that you say it all the time? Is it abnormal for somebody to not want to say it?

(This is the first real relationship I've ever been in. I have no clue how all this is supposed to work. I only know it feels really crappy for him to ignore me when I tell him I love him.)

How long have you two been together? And since both Tyler and I were/are in long-distance relationships, it's kinda hard to compare.

 

[Laure]

Well I said there is no right or wrong Laure. Everyone is different, and just cause one partner does doesn't mean the other is necessarily that type of person

That's true. I'm just remembering a few months ago when I got an email every morning from him telling me to have a good day and he loves me. Now, there's nothing.

It's been a year. Guess it is time for the "new" to start wearing off, huh?

 

[Francis]

I used to buy my ex flowers all the time ( 7 years worth ).. Then she said, it got old and moved out.. I guess She didn't like the romantic side of me that could have gone on a lifetime..

Oh well, some have it good and just don't know it..

 

[Tangerine]

This is not making me feel better about the situation at all.

So, you're saying that you say it all the time? Is it abnormal for somebody to not want to say it?

(This is the first real relationship I've ever been in. I have no clue how all this is supposed to work. I only know it feels really crappy for him to ignore me when I tell him I love him.)

I've been the guy in that exact situation before. I can't speak for your guy, but in my case... I just wasn't ready to go there yet. And the girl at the time kept pushing and pushing, wanting so much for us to be "at the same place at the same time." But we weren't. And the more she confronted me about what I DIDN'T SAY (or really, what I didn't FEEL) the less likely I was to give in to her. I think that's a pretty common male reaction.

Advice - for what it's worth? Step back. Take deep breaths. Think about how he treats you, how you enjoy your time together, and how you feel when you're around each other. Are all of those positive things? Then you have something to be happy about and to enjoy. Those are all signs that a relationship is moving FORWARD... and that's what you're after. If it's only his words that aren't matching yours at the moment, just give it some time. Let him know that you appreciate him without questioning what's on his mind so much. After all, he's likely expressing his feeling better with actions for now. The longer you're together - the more comfortable you will both feel... and before long the words will come.

 

[Laure]

I used to buy my ex flowers all the time ( 7 years worth ).. Then she said, it got old and moved out.. I guess She didn't like the romantic side of me that could have gone on a lifetime..

Oh well, some have it good and just don't know it..

That's sad.

Personally, I don't mind that my boyfriend isn't the romantic, buy flowers, candle light dinner type of guy. I'm not that kind of person myself. My idea of what is romantic is different from most people, and I'm not a "mushy" type either. It's just this one thing that sends me nuts.

If he had never been the type of guy to say I love you, then it wouldn't bother me. I think it bothers me because it's changed. I'm paranoid. lol!

 

[Laure]

I've been the guy in that exact situation before. I can't speak for your guy, but in my case... I just wasn't ready to go there yet. And the girl at the time kept pushing and pushing, wanting so much for us to be "at the same place at the same time." But we weren't. And the more she confronted me about what I DIDN'T SAY (or really, what I didn't FEEL) the less likely I was to give in to her. I think that's a pretty common male reaction.

Advice - for what it's worth? Step back. Take deep breaths. Think about how he treats you, how you enjoy your time together, and how you feel when you're around each other. Are all of those positive things? Then you have something to be happy about and to enjoy. Those are all signs that a relationship is moving FORWARD... and that's what you're after. If it's only his words that aren't matching yours at the moment, just give it some time. Let him know that you appreciate him without questioning what's on his mind so much. After all, he's likely expressing his feeling better with actions for now. The longer you're together - the more comfortable you will both feel... and before long the words will come.

I see what you're saying here, and I agree. In fact, I was the one running from the emotional side of things for a while. He told me he loved me, and the only thing I could say in return was, "I may not even be here tomorrow. Don't love me."

Finally, I decided to go with my heart and let myself love him back. Things were fine for a while, but now it feels like he's backing off. It took a lot of guts to move beyond my commitment issues, and now I'm afraid I was wrong to do so.

 

[Francis]

That's sad.

Personally, I don't mind that my boyfriend isn't the romantic, buy flowers, candle light dinner type of guy. I'm not that kind of person myself. My idea of what is romantic is different from most people, and I'm not a "mushy" type either. It's just this one thing that sends me nuts.

If he had never been the type of guy to say I love you, then it wouldn't bother me. I think it bothers me because it's changed. I'm paranoid. lol!

Funny, because I said it to her all the time.. The "I love you" but never got it in return.. I guess that should have been the warning sign.. Sorry don't want to scare you but that should have been my sign..

What ever she wanted she got, within reason.. You can't buy love, but if you try hard enough you can always find ways to make life good..

However it seems that once some people have what they want, they can leave..

But I have moved on.. I also promised myself I would not penalized anyone else for her issues.. She treats all others the same way.. So I don't feel so bad.. I feel sorry for her but no one can help her but her.. We are still friends but will never be more..

 

[HottyToddyChick]

I tell Matt more than he tells me. I think it might be a girl thing. But no, he doesn't always say it. And when I call him at work, I don't expect to hear it back. I think men do more showing than telling and women do both, because, let's face it, we're women. We like to multitask and make sure we get the point across.

Last night was my favorite- we were having a little argument, so I was walking by and reached into his pocket for cigarettes and he asked what I thought I was doing. So I look at him all defiant like and said I was smoking. "Without me?" "Well, I'm not getting the impression you like me right now." So he gave me a big, big hug and said that he might not like me while we fight, but that he always loves me. And just like that, the fight was over.

 

[Laure]

I tell Matt more than he tells me. I think it might be a girl thing. But no, he doesn't always say it. And when I call him at work, I don't expect to hear it back. I think men do more showing than telling and women do both, because, let's face it, we're women. We like to multitask and make sure we get the point across.

Last night was my favorite- we were having a little argument, so I was walking by and reached into his pocket for cigarettes and he asked what I thought I was doing. So I look at him all defiant like and said I was smoking. "Without me?" "Well, I'm not getting the impression you like me right now." So he gave me a big, big hug and said that he might not like me while we fight, but that he always loves me. And just like that, the fight was over.

That's so sweet.

 

[Tangerine]

I tell Matt more than he tells me. I think it might be a girl thing. But no, he doesn't always say it. And when I call him at work, I don't expect to hear it back. I think men do more showing than telling and women do both, because, let's face it, we're women. We like to multitask and make sure we get the point across.

Last night was my favorite- we were having a little argument, so I was walking by and reached into his pocket for cigarettes and he asked what I thought I was doing. So I look at him all defiant like and said I was smoking. "Without me?" "Well, I'm not getting the impression you like me right now." So he gave me a big, big hug and said that he might not like me while we fight, but that he always loves me. And just like that, the fight was over.

Hmmmm... go back to the part where your hand was reaching into his pants.


Pocket.

His pants pocket.

 

[HottyToddyChick]

It made up for not hearing all the time. Because I knew when he said it, he meant it. Because I didn't say it first.

A little off topic, but I swear it'll circle back- I have this AWESOME calendar. 365 days of shoes. It's great. Vintage, modern, wild, chic... anyhow. There's this quote on the first page. "High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead." I laughed. And then Matt kissed me on the forehead. He's got me by a good 6 or 7 inches. So we made up this (silly) thing where a kiss on the head means I love you and you're beautiful. If he kisses me there and I don't react, he'll prompt me-"Did you forget what this means?" and kiss me again. Until I finally remember and say I love you too.

Maybe you could do something like that. Where there's a little gesture that means he's thinking it or feeling it or whatever, and it could be a little inside thing for y'all.