Why do people stay in bad relationships?

[hoodoowytch]

Why do people stay in relationships that are bad for them? Men and women, family members, day in and day out always fighting and committing physical violence, even murder on those they say they love, but they cant really stand each other either.

I was in two bad relationships. One almost got me killed. I didn't stick around after either time to give anyone a chance to finish what they started, or to hurt me again.

 

[missbishi]

I think some people stay in bad relationships because they would rather be in this situation than be single. It seems like many people seem to define their worth by whether they are in a relationship or not. That's quite sad - after all, you don't stand a chance of being happy with someone else if you are not comfortable with yourself.

 

[Gemma]

People are scared to be single. Many of them base their worth or their relationship.

I've also met a few people who really couldn't make it on their own. They couldn't afford an apartment and expenses with their job. Or some women who have been stay-at-home moms so long that they don't have applicable job skills or wouldn't know where to start looking for a job. They have no money of their own. How can they get out of the relationship without anywhere to go or any money? There are ways and organizations to help if the relationship is abusive but those can seem difficult and scary. The known thing that's hurting them is less scary than the unknown.

 

[joshposh]

That isn't easily answered. Most people will attach themselves to these types of relationships because of deeper underlying reasons. Some might cling on to these negative other halves because of deeper issues. Some people have abandonment issues. Some might have had abuse problems when they were young.

We all act and behave in a particular way because of what we were exposed to when we were young. When we get older these issues manifest themselves in our future choices and even relationships.

So the next time you see a troubled relationship, ask yourself what has the couple or person in question been exposed to when they were young? Bad mother? Abusive parents? Intimacy issues? Rape/molestation?

 

[Lushlala]

I actually have a friend in this situation, and it's very exhausting for us as her "sounding board". She's very unhappy in her relationship, but changes like the wind. One minute she's livid, wants out because he's done or not done something, and this time it's over. We sit there listening to all this BS, offering her advise.

The next time you see her it's Pete this, Pete that; oh he's wonderful blah blah blah!

I think in this case it's a few things. She's never been single and is scared to be. She'd rather be in a bad relationship than be on her own. She's also holding out for the ring, even though they been together 2 years and there's been no hint it's in the offing. More often than not she's on her own at weekends, while he apparently spends time with the boys. She's fixated on status; he comes from a prominent, well known family.

It's just sad to watch. But these days we don't comment when she starts spilling her guts out about him; because no matter what we say, she'll do what she wants. Until she learns to love herself first, she'll never know her true worth and will continue selling herself short. Not our problem

 

[gata montes]

I too would agree that there is no simple answer here - particularly as there are many, many different and often very valid reasons as to why someone may stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship and although many people often don't fully understand how its even possible for someone to stay in this kind of relationship - as some of those reasons are generally related to anything from

Fear of what would would happen if they left - particularly if they have no money, nowhere to go and no one to turn to
Embarrassment and worries about whether people will judge them and consider them weak
Cultural or Religious reasons - like for instance leaving would bring shame to the whole family
Social or Peer Pressure - in that they feel no one would believe them that something is wrong as the person they are with is extremely well liked - which is especially so in cases of abuse
Low Self-Esteem - particularly if their partner has constantly been putting them down
Hope that the situation will change and their partner will improve over time
For the sake of the children
as well as believing that abuse is normal - which is especially so for those who grew up in an environment where abuse was common - as they are unable to recognize that their relationship is unhealthy

I think that if confronted with the problems of having to deal with someone who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship - its important - even though this can be extremely frustrating at times - not to judge - but to be as understanding and supportive as possible.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

I think that a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they feel that being in a bad relationship is better than being completely alone and not having anyone to call yours. Honestly, a bad relationship seems a lot better to me right now compared to a nonexistent relationship and the constant loathing feeling of being alone.

 

[hoodoowytch]

So, it sounds like for so many it's all about fear, status, and "what's love got to do with it?" syndrome. I understand loneliness...but, I also understand that NO sort of abuse is worth putting up with for having some asshole around just so you don't feel lonely or because they have money. I've felt far lonelier in a loveless relationship.

Why can't someone's self worth be based on the fact that Life saw them worth giving existence to? Love yourself and love will come. So long as you got a tent, and little knowledge and know how, one will never be homeless or go hungry. You adapt to your terrain or move to better pastures and see what comes. Educate yourself and find a way. And above all...DON'T LIVE IN FEAR. I speak from experience. I was a stay at home mom till I wasn't anymore. Two bad, abusive relationships. Lost my hearing, no "marketable" skills for the job market available...and only a high school education and unable to get financial aid to go back to school. No help from family and life was very rough.

I got very lucky and eventually found my soul-mate and we been together for 19 years now. By doing some self-education and expanding my knowledge I figured out how to use what talents that came naturally to me to become a professional writer on the internet for various websites and even self-publishing some e-books...some of which have sold a few copies here and there. (YAY!) Me hubby and I are getting an Etsy shop in the works and hope to have it up and running soon.

Anything is possible...you just got to have the will to fight back and believe in yourself.

 

[missbishi]

I think that a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they feel that being in a bad relationship is better than being completely alone and not having anyone to call yours. Honestly, a bad relationship seems a lot better to me right now compared to a nonexistent relationship and the constant loathing feeling of being alone.

See, I think it's far lonelier to be in an unhappy relationship than on your own. I've got Whitney Houston Singing "It's Not Right But It's OK" in my head now, that line where she sings "I'd rather be alone than unhappy". Looking back on things, it seems she knew all about that one!

 

[azrmacc]

Some relationships, they stay because they keep clinging on to the hope that it will get better, that the other person will eventually change because of his/her love for him/her. Stupid stuff really. Another is because of fear, you know, the other person threatening to kill themselves or hurt their family etc if the other leaves them. Lastly, I've witnessed this in some marriages, that they choose to stay because of the kids, until they get older to understand and stuff.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

See, I think it's far lonelier to be in an unhappy relationship than on your own. I've got Whitney Houston Singing "It's Not Right But It's OK" in my head now, that line where she sings "I'd rather be alone than unhappy". Looking back on things, it seems she knew all about that one!

First of all, LOVE that song! Haha.
But I don't think it works that way for everyone. It definitely doesn't work like that for me. I almost consider it to be like an illness, because I literally can't stand being alone. Whenever I'm alone, my depression eats me up and I just cry all of the time. Unfortunately for me, I'm alone a lot, and I've never been in a real relationship. It's come down to the point where I would rather sleep with a guy whom I just met and end up getting hurt by them when they don't want a relationship or ignore me, than constantly be on my own. It's sick.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

Although some people can't stand the idea of being single, they must realize that they can actually be happy being single. And it's not like they have to be single forever anyway.

 

[Boomer]

Its really up to the people in the relationship. Some people don't leave because they truly love the other person and believe that it will get better. Some people just flat out don't want to stomach being alone. Some people do it just for the financial aspect. Or because they feel waist deep in the water and don't want to fight to get to the shore. Some people feel guilty and that it's their penance to remain miserable. Its all perspective and it can change from relationship to relationship. Person to person.

 

[The Man]

Perhaps most are simply afraid to lose what they have rather than gamble and start anew.

 

[Aries]

Kids, security, money, etc...

 

[Godsloveapples]

Because it's harder to leave than it is to stay. You think "What if I regret it?" "What if I don't find someone better or someone at all?" It's very difficult.

 

[The Man]

Difficult to leave a throater as well.

 

[porterjack]

so true

 

[RUBESH]

There are various reasons why individuals remain in unsafe relationships, even whether they entail physical violence or other types of abuse. Some of these causes might be:

Fear: Many individuals are terrified of leaving a relationship that is abusive because they are concerned about vengeance from their spouse or how they will live on their own.

Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may think that they are unworthy of love or respect, and that the abuse or maltreatment they are suffering is their fault.

Monetary dependency: Some people may feel imprisoned in a poor relationship since they are reliant on their spouse and lack the resources to leave.

 

[Ammi]

….I think it’s very layered and complex as to why someone would stay…as Rubesh has said above…I think it’s also sometimes that it’s not always realised that the relationship is ‘bad‘ as such if there are aspects that have been experienced as a child and have become normalised…some may see ‘bad’ as ‘normal’ if witnessing any type of abusive/coercive control etc has been an everyday thing to them……