Surrogacy Journey

[Jezzebelle]

Hey... so I'm a surrogate! My second IVF transfer is coming up this Wednesday It's a huge part of my life and something that effects me greatly, so I figured I'd make a thread for updates and such. Plus anyone feel free to ask me any questions about. I know it's "different" and something people aren't really familiar with... so ask away!

 

[Natasha]

I just think it's amazing what you're doing. I wish you all the luck in the world, Jezz. *sends positive get knocked up vibes*

 

[HK]

What prompted you to get into doing it?

 

[Jezzebelle]

What prompted you to get into doing it?

About 3 years ago-

My sister has never had kids (nor even tried to), and we were talking one night about if she ever did in fact want to (she's 35 now). She said really didn't want to ever be pregnant, but wasn't sure if she wanted a child or not. I couldn't believe it! I LOVED being pregnant. When my husband and I decided we were done having children of our own, I actually had to mourn the thought of never being able to be pregnant again. It's an amazing thing, creating a life. It's hard to describe... but feels so purposeful. ANYWAYS... I jokingly told her that I would love to be pregnant for her. She (for the moment) remains undecided if she will ever have kids of her own (but my offer still stands!). In the meantime the joke got me thinking, and I looked into it. I talked to my husband about it, and he thought it was ridiculous. I found some forums, and agencies and decided to just apply and see what would happen. I ended up getting accepted to like 5 agencies. So I choose one that I loved, and I was really excited (this happened in 2010). When my husband and I starting meeting the couples was when he came on 100%. In his words... "Our family, our kids is my entire life... to be able to give that gift to someone who wants it so badly and can't have it on their own? I can't think of anything I'd rather do."

So it's been a long process! I joined the agency in 2010, and will hopefully be pregnant very soon!

 

[Natasha]

Do you plan on doing it more than once??? Do you worry about getting attached to the child or do you think you'll be able to separate yourself from it since it will be someone else's sperm and egg???

 

[Jezzebelle]

Do you plan on doing it more than once??? Do you worry about getting attached to the child or do you think you'll be able to separate yourself from it since it will be someone else's sperm and egg???

It's at a "let's see how it goes" phase right now. They say never plan on anything, because you never know what could happen. They encourage you to be in a spot in your life where if you never had kids again then that would be OK, because every pregnancy carries certain risks and this (for someone else) may be your last and you could end up unable to ever carry again. So if everything goes swimmingly, and my body isn't a train-wreck afterwards... then yes, I could totally see doing it again. Plenty of women do this 3, 4, even 5 times!

I'll really be thankful for the one time though, if it does happen. Having the failed transfer last year was heartbreaking So I'm really just trying to stay in the moment and take each step as it comes.

I'm not really worried about being attached to the baby. I've never had that "glowing" delivery room moment. As much as I loved being pregnant, and I love my kids... I didn't feel that "mother bond" with them instantly. I know there's a lot of women like this, and I think it's something people don't really talk about because they feel embarrassed or ashamed that they weren't instantly mother hen-ly attached to their babies. It took me several weeks to feel like a mom, not a 24hr babysitter, to get to know their personalities and fall head over heels completely in love <3

Plus, like you said... it's not my baby. It is their sperm and egg. I'm just the oven, holding it for awhile.

 

[Natasha]

Sounds like you've got your head on straight, Jezz. That's great!!! And you're absolutely right...a lot of women feel ashamed or embarrassed to not have the typical "aww, it was love at first sight" type moment. BUT everything is not the same for everybody...and the important thing is that that moment DOES come, no matter when it is.

My bestfriend is currently 29 weeks pregnant via IVF after many attempts and a couple of miscarriages. Seeing how happy she is and how much she is savoring every single moment of her pregnancy, I can definitely understand your willingness to give that to another couple.

 

[Jezzebelle]

My bestfriend is currently 29 weeks pregnant via IVF after many attempts and a couple of miscarriages. Seeing how happy she is and how much she is savoring every single moment of her pregnancy, I can definitely understand your willingness to give that to another couple.

Ugh, it's so hard to hear all the stories of women trying to have babies. Miscarriages are not uncommon for surrogates as well I think people grow up believing that they have total control over that part of their life and they will decide when to have kids... it doesn't always work that way, and it can be heartbreaking.

 

[Jezzebelle]

congrats to your friend!

 

[Natasha]

Thank you!!! Fingers crossed I'll be returning the congrats wishes to you soon!!!

 

[Abcinthia]

Oh that's great news. I have a large amount of respect for surrogate mothers. It's such an incredible and selfless thing to do and brings such happiness to people.

I saw a documentry a while ago about 3 surrogates. 1 of them had a surrogate pregnancy for a woman who had beaten cancer but due to treatment and surgery was unable to have children. The surrogate was lovely and it was so heart warming seeing the new mum get her baby and when the baby could finally be adopted (In the UK a baby born of surrogacy belongs to the surrogate mother and is registered as her child, until it is adopted by the parents or a parental order granted).

 

[Jezzebelle]

Yes, A LOT of couples from other countries come here because the US has more lax laws on surrogacy. My couple is from another country as well, because where they are from surrogacy is against the law. This baby will be born to its parents and they will be on the birth cert.

I actually got an opportunity to do a "Real Life: I'm a Surrogate" for MTV :24: Yeah.... no thanks

 

[freakofnature]

Oh wow, Jezebelle! That's super cool! The thought of being a surrogate intrigues me. I have absolutely no desire to raise children but I've always wanted to experience being pregnant and delivering a baby.

 

[Abcinthia]

It's more complicated in the UK. It is legal but there are a lot of rules - especially around payments and who the baby belongs to. There have been a couple of stories of surrogate mothers keeping the baby and the law is on the birth mother's side - at least I can't remember the birth mum ever having to relinquish hold on the child to the other couple.

 

[Jezzebelle]

Oh wow, Jezebelle! That's super cool! The thought of being a surrogate intrigues me. I have absolutely no desire to raise children but I've always wanted to experience being pregnant and delivering a baby.

Well most agencies or Dr.s that work with surrogates require that you have already experienced a complication free pregnancy and delivery before they'll work with you, so they know you don't have any "issues."

 

[Aeval]

Wow....good for you,what you're doing is absolutely amazing.

I wish I knew you a few years ago when I was told I'd never have kids....I've come to terms with the idea now, but then....I was suicidal. If someone offered to carry a baby for me then...well...I would have been over the moon happy. The gift you're giving that couple....I don't have words to express how wonderful I think it is...you're a fabulous person.

 

[Jezzebelle]

It's more complicated in the UK. It is legal but there are a lot of rules - especially around payments and who the baby belongs to. There have been a couple of stories of surrogate mothers keeping the baby and the law is on the birth mother's side - at least I can't remember the birth mum ever having to relinquish hold on the child to the other couple.

Here, those type of stories are mostly when "traditional surrogacy" is concerned, not "gestational surrogacy." Traditional surrogacy is where you actually are the mother, and just use the sperm from the husband. Since IVF, and the ability for gestational surrogacy this isn't as common... but some women still choose to do it for their reasons - some being it's cheaper, no hormones, they disagree with IVF, etc.

 

[Jezzebelle]

Wow....good for you,what you're doing is absolutely amazing.

I wish I knew you a few years ago when I was told I'd never have kids....I've come to terms with the idea now, but then....I was suicidal. If someone offered to carry a baby for me then...well...I would have been over the moon happy. The gift you're giving that couple....I don't have words to express how wonderful I think it is...you're a fabulous person.

Thank you! I'm so sorry to hear that... it's really a hard thing to come to terms with. There are lots of surrogates and agencies out there though. It's funny, you go through a whole matching process similar to online dating, haha!

 

[usandthem]

Hey... so I'm a surrogate! My second IVF transfer is coming up this Wednesday It's a huge part of my life and something that effects me greatly, so I figured I'd make a thread for updates and such. Plus anyone feel free to ask me any questions about. I know it's "different" and something people aren't really familiar with... so ask away!

I just want to say that's awesome! I know someone who is doing it for the third time. What an amazing gift to give to a family. I cannot imagine the pain families go through dealing with infertility.

 

[Boomerang]

Wow! It takes a special person to do what you are doing. I am in awe.

So how does it work? Does your insurance pay for anything or is the couple responsible for paying any medical bills? Do you get compensated in any way?