UncleBacon
OTz original V.I.P
sp3nis said:
used this joke in another thread
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Top Ten Reasons To Date A Wrestler
10. Always wears his headgear
9. Will eat anything
8. Knows when to push and pull
7. Endurance, endurance, endurance
6. Goes hard from start to finish
5. Can work a two-on-one
4. Knows how to use his hips
3. Can score from any position
2. Never stalls on bottom
1. Knows how to ride
10. Always wears his headgear
9. Will eat anything
8. Knows when to push and pull
7. Endurance, endurance, endurance
6. Goes hard from start to finish
5. Can work a two-on-one
4. Knows how to use his hips
3. Can score from any position
2. Never stalls on bottom
1. Knows how to ride
> Dearest Redneck Son,
>
> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
> live where we did when you left home.
>
> Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
> miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
> address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
> house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change ther
> address. This place is really nice. it even has a washing machine. I'm not
> sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
> seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
> week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
>
> About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
> would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
> off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car
> yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me
> and your father out.
>
> Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
> is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
> like your brother.
>
> Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
> pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He
> burned for three days.
>
> Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
> driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
> friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
> tailgate down.
>
> There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
> normal has happened.
>
> Your favorite aunt,
Mom
>
> I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
> live where we did when you left home.
>
> Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
> miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
> address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the
> house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change ther
> address. This place is really nice. it even has a washing machine. I'm not
> sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't
> seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
> week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
>
> About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
> would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
> off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car
> yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me
> and your father out.
>
> Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
> is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
> like your brother.
>
> Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
> pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He
> burned for three days.
>
> Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was
> driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
> friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
> tailgate down.
>
> There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
> normal has happened.
>
> Your favorite aunt,
Mom
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
What about the third mother?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
the mule
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him mercilessly. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the
> field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
> began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
> again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
> the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the
> back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
>
> At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
> rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
> would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
> man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
> his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided
> to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister
> spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
> agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with
> all the men.
>
> The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
> about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
> my head in agreement."
>
> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
> "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
>
Humor Time..............
Apart from keeping the freedom struggle alive Gandhi also kept his inimitable sense of humour alive by breathing fresh air into it now and then. In fact he himself had said on one occasion, "If it was not for my sense of humour, I would have died long back." Here are few examples of his unique ability. A reporter asked Gandhi, "Why do you always choose to travel by third class in a train." He replied "Simply, because there is no fourth class as yet." When Gandhi was going to attend the Round Table Conference in England, a newsman asked, "Mr. Gandhi do you think you are properly dressed to meet the King." Gandhi said, "Do not worry about my clothes. The King has enough clothes on for both of us." Once again, a reporter asked Gandhi, "Is it true that one's food habits affect one's character. For example, you drink only goat's milk. Does it affect your character? Gandhi retorted, "My dear young man, just now I had a glass of goat's milk. Now I feel an itching sensation at my temples. May be horn .........
**************************
As a personal trainer in a women's spa, a woman was helping an attractive middle-aged lady work through her routine. When the trainer found out that she was 54, she was astounded. "You don't look a day over 35!" The trainer told her adding that she served as a good advertisement for what hard work and careful nutrition can do to enhance appearance. When the lady was on her way out, the trainer asked her if she could share any tips with her on how to stay young-looking. It was then the lady placed a business card on the counter and walked out. The card read " Metro Plastic Surgery, where beauty is only an hour away."
*********************
A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his town's most notorious lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful model. "This is so unfair!" the man bellowed to the devil. "I have to roast and suffer for all eternity, and that sleazy lawyer gets to spend it with her?
"Silence!" the devil demanded, jabbing his trident at the man. "You must pay your penance, and the model must pay hers!"
***************
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whom they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable."
Apart from keeping the freedom struggle alive Gandhi also kept his inimitable sense of humour alive by breathing fresh air into it now and then. In fact he himself had said on one occasion, "If it was not for my sense of humour, I would have died long back." Here are few examples of his unique ability. A reporter asked Gandhi, "Why do you always choose to travel by third class in a train." He replied "Simply, because there is no fourth class as yet." When Gandhi was going to attend the Round Table Conference in England, a newsman asked, "Mr. Gandhi do you think you are properly dressed to meet the King." Gandhi said, "Do not worry about my clothes. The King has enough clothes on for both of us." Once again, a reporter asked Gandhi, "Is it true that one's food habits affect one's character. For example, you drink only goat's milk. Does it affect your character? Gandhi retorted, "My dear young man, just now I had a glass of goat's milk. Now I feel an itching sensation at my temples. May be horn .........
**************************
As a personal trainer in a women's spa, a woman was helping an attractive middle-aged lady work through her routine. When the trainer found out that she was 54, she was astounded. "You don't look a day over 35!" The trainer told her adding that she served as a good advertisement for what hard work and careful nutrition can do to enhance appearance. When the lady was on her way out, the trainer asked her if she could share any tips with her on how to stay young-looking. It was then the lady placed a business card on the counter and walked out. The card read " Metro Plastic Surgery, where beauty is only an hour away."
*********************
A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his town's most notorious lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful model. "This is so unfair!" the man bellowed to the devil. "I have to roast and suffer for all eternity, and that sleazy lawyer gets to spend it with her?
"Silence!" the devil demanded, jabbing his trident at the man. "You must pay your penance, and the model must pay hers!"
***************
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whom they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
Farmer's Birth Control
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the
marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer
was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if
you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on
using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he
told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one
year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I
used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well
here I am, going to have a baby.”'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use
the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers ....
I kick the bucket out from under him”.
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the
marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if
they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer
was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if
you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on
using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he
told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one
year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the
first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I
used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well
here I am, going to have a baby.”'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use
the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers ....
I kick the bucket out from under him”.
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?". The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish?". "Sure" says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly because he is a little hard at hearing". "Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says "I want a Million Bucks". The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head. And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?". The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?".
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