Joke Section (keep them coming)

[sp3nis]

Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!

 

[sp3nis]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.

I had her buried upside down......."

 

[sp3nis]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[sp3nis]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

 

[sp3nis]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

whoever typed out this joke is a moron, ots porche with an E. wned

 

[sp3nis]

 

[sp3nis]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
this, there is something so very wrong with you.

 

[sp3nis]

This is who i want to be when i get old.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

 

[sp3nis]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[sp3nis]

Two old ladies were outside smoking and one of the ladies put a condom on her cigarette before lighting it. The other lady looked and said "What are you doing?"
The first lady says "Oh, I just put this here condom on this cigarette and it gives it more flavor not to mention it keeps it dry when it rains. Just go to any store and get them."
So the first lady goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if they have condoms.
"Well, of course we do....but do you mind if I ask how old you are?"
"75" the lady responds.
"Well good for you! Nice to see you are stil active. What kind of condoms do you need?"
The lady thinks for a moment and says
"Oh, anything that will fit a Camel."

 

[sp3nis]

knock knock
whos there?
little boy blue
little boy blue who?
Micheal Jackson

 

[Veronica]

HAY V did i see a cooter in here :dunno :dunno

already got him for it.

 

[karma279]

An American tourist was visiting a small town in Ireland. He decided to take a walk down to a local pub for a stout. As he walked in, he noticed the old barkeep looking very glum behind the bar. He set down and ordered himself a beer. After pouring it for him... the old barkeep returned to his stool still looking rather sullen. The man decided to make conversation and ask what was bothering the man. (old Irish accent) "I just get no respect around here. People just aren't what they use to be anymore". The man asked him to elaborate. "Well... did ye see the cobblestone walkway on yer way up to me pub?" The man nodded in affirmation. "I made it with me own bare hands... laid every stone. Yet do they call me Seamus the Stonemaker? NO!" "Did ye see the church up the hill above me pub?" Again the man nodded in affirmation. "I built that church with me own bare hands... yet do they call me Seamus the Churchmaker? NO!" "Ye see this here pub you're setting in?" Again the tourist nodded. "I made it with me own bare hands. Carved this here cherry bar meself. Yet do they call me Seamus the Barmaker? NO! But you fuck ONE GOAT!"

 

[MikeHawke]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

whoever typed out this joke is a moron, ots porche with an E. wned

um and an s.....porsche

keep the funnies cummin. :rofl

 

[sp3nis]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

[sp3nis]

damn i ran out, anyone got any more? come one... :banana

 

[IntruderLS1]

But you fuck ONE GOAT!"

:rofl :rofl :rofl

 

[sp3nis]

How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

 

[sp3nis]

Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners



I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

[sp3nis]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical
procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his PENIS in one hand and his testicles in
the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e
- m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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