Secrets: Tell all or shut up?

[lumpenstein]

I am in a moral quandry. If you know something that could hurt somebody that is your friend do you tell them, thinking that they have the right to know, or do you say nothing, thinking that their knowing would only hurt them and would accomplish nothing.

For example, you have two friends but they don't know they are both your friends. Friend #1 says that friend #2 is a cheap slut because so-and-so said she slept with the basketball team. This may or may not be trubut the point is your friend #2 is being hurt without her knowledge. Do you tell her, knowing it will hurt her, or do you shut up, hoping it will die out and she will never hear about it?

 

[Breath]

If someone is in physical danger or of it could hurt their present relationship or their job, then tell them.
If it's only at "gossip" status, then MYOB and keep your mouth shut. The gossip should stop with you.

 

[lumpenstein]

If someone is in physical danger or of it could hurt their present relationship or their job, then tell them.
If it's only at "gossip" status, then MYOB and keep your mouth shut. The gossip should stop with you.

Good point but determining what is just gossip and what is fact is, to me, the determining factor here.

 

[Breath]

Good point but determining what is just gossip and what is fact is, to me, the determining factor here.

Like I said, if whatever it is, fact or not, can cause physical harm or hurt a relationship or job, then you tell. For you to figure out the factuality isn't important at this stage. Preventing major harm is more critical. If the information can't cause harm, don't tell.

 

[lumpenstein]

Like I said, if whatever it is, fact or not, can cause physical harm or hurt a relationship or job, then you tell. For you to figure out the factuality isn't important at this stage. Preventing major harm is more critical. If the information can't cause harm, don't tell.

I know but I'm talking more than just the kind of harm you have mentioned. Of course I would say anthing I could to save a friend's job or relationship, but what about feelings? Your best friend comes to you and says, "I just got these new glasses! Like them?" What do you say? "They make you look good!" or (which is the truth)"They make you look like a fucking clown!" Do you shut up not to hurt her feelings or do you speak up and hurt her a little to save her a lot more humiliation from others who don't care how she feels?

 

[Anie]

Personally I'd want a friend to tell me the truth on what's going on, it's honestly how much criticism the person can handle. If you're the type of person who's very sensitive about what others think then I'd probably be hesistant on telling because it'll hurt their feelings, but having something which affects your reputation needs to be told in my opinion, no matter how hurt they get. Besides you're not the person who spread the rumor or the gossip, you're not the person who hurted them. They might feel hurt but it'll only be temporarily and they need to pick themselves up somehow, during that time I'd console and support the friend. Helping them through it.

 

[lumpenstein]

Personally I'd want a friend to tell me the truth on what's going on, it's honestly how much criticism the person can handle. If you're the type of person who's very sensitive about what others think then I'd probably be hesistant on telling because it'll hurt their feelings, but having something which affects your reputation needs to be told in my opinion, no matter how hurt they get. Besides you're not the person who spread the rumor or the gossip, you're not the person who hurted them. They might feel hurt but it'll only be temporarily and they need to pick themselves up somehow, during that time I'd console and support the friend. Helping them through it.

Very wise and well said for a young lady! If you were my friend I would feel very lucky.

 

[Numnum]

If the "cheap slut" was me, I would want to know. Ya, it might hurt but as long as you only relay the information to me and not all our other friends. And maybe tone it down a little. But either way, even if it's true or not, as a friend, you should stick up for her (or him if your example was just an example and not fo rizzles).

I had a friend defend me to the DEATH one time when she knew I was wrong, it's amazing to have friends like that who will put themselves on the line for you. So point is, tell the bad-mouther to stfu because it's non of "his" business what "she" does (unless she gave him herpes or something) and let "her" know what is being said, in as nice a way possible, because she does deserve to know what people think of her so she can either change her behaviour or confront the person who's talkin' smack!

 

[Keight]

I keep it, no matter what im just that kind of person i guess

 

[Anie]

Very wise and well said for a young lady! If you were my friend I would feel very lucky.

Thank you lumpenstein, you're very kind.

 

[Fox Mulder]

If the "cheap slut" was me, I would want to know.

:idhitit:


Form me it depends entirely on the circumstances.

 

[Sdrawkcab]

You should tell her in an elevator full of people, and ofcourse finish by pointing at her face and laugh like an old witch...

 

[Natasha]

I haven't read the entire thread (oy...what am I even DOING in the debate section!?!?!?) but if it's just gossip then I wouldn't tell.

Here's a real-life scenario that I dealt with:
A very very close friend of mine was seeing another casual friend of mine. I heard through the rumor mill that he had possibly slept w/ someone that we all 3 knew. I had nothing that proved that it was going on, so I didn't bring it up. HOWEVER, about a day or two later we were all hanging out together (minus the other girl) and I noticed something on the guy's arms that looked like bite marks. Well, it's well known that this other girl is a biter in the heat of the moment. When I mentioned it to the guy, he made up something about the marks being from his bulletproof vest. I laughed and told him that I know what a bite mark looks like. That night I told my friend about what I had heard...that was proof enough for me. We didn't get definitive proof until a little later...but at least I had put the doubt there so that she would know to watch out for more signs. I don't regret it...and now she's moved on to bigger and better things.

 

[GoldDust Woman]

I am in a moral quandry. If you know something that could hurt somebody that is your friend do you tell them, thinking that they have the right to know, or do you say nothing, thinking that their knowing would only hurt them and would accomplish nothing.

For example, you have two friends but they don't know they are both your friends. Friend #1 says that friend #2 is a cheap slut because so-and-so said she slept with the basketball team. This may or may not be trubut the point is your friend #2 is being hurt without her knowledge. Do you tell her, knowing it will hurt her, or do you shut up, hoping it will die out and she will never hear about it?

Going with your example, my answer is, 'shut up'. :thumbup

 

[thatguyjeff]

I ask myself 3 things:
1. Is it true (firsthand, direct knowledge of the facts - not secondhand/rumor)?
2. Does it NEED to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by YOU?

Answering no to any means I keep my mouth shut.

 

[Jason Stayborne]

You gotta take friend #2 personality into check first, if they are strong willed they can dig it, but if they are someone who is in an un-stable mentality its best not to say anything and confront friend #1 and either rectifie they situation *mabye with a arguement or two* or forget about friend #1 and go to friend #2, cuz good friends go for those in need
*Warning: This may cause nausua, consult you doctor if you experience death*

 

[hopscotch]

What positive gain is your friend going to get by telling her? If none, then I don't see the point.

 

[SRC]

I ask myself 3 things:
1. Is it true (firsthand, direct knowledge of the facts - not secondhand/rumor)?
2. Does it NEED to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by YOU?

Answering no to any means I keep my mouth shut.

:homo:

 

[Hans]

If someone tells you something in cofidence, it is said IN CONFIDENCE. There is no "In cofidence, unless you know the person, then you can tell them!". There are so many ways you could handle a situation like that without being a dick.

1)Tell the person as they are talking they are your friend, they will stop talking to you.
2)Listen to your friend and fix the problem
3)Listen to your friend and keep thje issue to youreslf. Odds are the third person is going to be happier without knowing someone thinks they are a slut. Ignorance is bliss.

As for secrets, I tell them to my VERY trusted friends. If they tell anyone, I will NEVER tell them again. Trust is easily earend with me, but never given a 2nd chance.

 

[djsinfulwang]

I hate getting caught up in something like that. Me personally, I refuse to lie.
I might not bring it up, because of course, I don't like to get involved in that way and try to remain neutral. But if anyone ever questions me about anything, I just say what i've heard, regardless of who told me or who I'm talking to. This philosophy has caused me to lose some friendships, but this is who I am. Then again, I suppose it all comes down to the sincerity of both friendships and the question: is it better for them to find out from "word on the street" or from someone who they know is only looking out for their best interests.