Open Relationships: Could you/Have you?

[dkwrtw]

I feel the same way about my pets, I had to leave them all with friends in Oregon when I came here, I miss them so much

 

[Butterfly]

Everyone's relationship works different, different things for different people. It's a personal matter and I dont see that any outsider has a right to dismiss the relationship at insincere simply because it's not what would work for them.

So true Peter.
It certainly isn't for everyone, but for some of us, it works perfectly well.

 

[Niamh]

Monogamy = Harmony to me. No way would I share what I have with my man with another woman.

This is what I think as well, I mean at the end of the day the fact that my husband is the only one I sleep with separates him from any other man in the world to me otherwise he'd just be my friend. I couldn't bear the thought of him being intimate with another woman.

 

[Abcinthia]

Everyone's relationship works different, different things for different people. It's a personal matter and I dont see that any outsider has a right to dismiss the relationship at insincere simply because it's not what would work for them.

:homo:

Butterfly's relationship works for her and husband and THEY are happy with it. Who are we to judge her relationship type just because we wouldn't do it? I think it's natural to be a bit curious but I don't see any reason to dismiss or to imply that it's some sort of insincere relationship.

And I would like to thank her for her honesty. I had some questions cos I'm a nosy bugger, but everyone else seems to have asked them already

 

[Niamh]

:homo:

Butterfly's relationship works for her and husband and THEY are happy with it. Who are we to judge her relationship type just because we wouldn't do it? I think it's natural to be a bit curious but I don't see any reason to dismiss or to imply that it's some sort of insincere relationship.

And I would like to thank her for her honesty. I had some questions cos I'm a nosy bugger, but everyone else seems to have asked them already

ah yeah, I mean at the end of the day the only relationship I'm worried about is my own though hers seems so alien to me I can't even fathom it! But if it works for her all power to her

 

[sexysadie]

Harsh. Just because we don't understand it or can't do it doesn't make it less than our ways.

I'm jealous because it's like the best of both worlds. Lots of sex and dating, but still a marriage. And you didn't have to lie to get there lol. I can see what Butterfly said about having ultimate trust. Never thought of open relationships that way. I don't trust much so there you go lol.

But it's not really a marriage.....

..........is it? I'm not ready to settle down, again, so that's why I'm not married........when I'm ready to settle down and commit myself to one man and one man only,then I'll consider getting married, not before. JMO of course....I would never judge Butterfly, it's her life and if that's how she defines marriage, then so be it....but I'm sorry, I just don't agree.

 

[HK]

Your marriage is personal. Some people define their marriage as not having even friends of the opposite sex, some people can go so far as to have outside relationships. Some people get married and don't even take it seriously enough to stay faithful, so I don't think anyone can judge a relationship where both people are happy with the situation. If it works, what's the problem? They're both honest.

Obviously it wouldn't work for everyone. It takes a lot of trust and honesty and some of us just aren't raised that way - in theory I understand how it works and why it works, but if I tried it, I'm pretty sure I would drive myself crazy wondering if my boyfriend loved another girl more than me.

 

[Niamh]

Your marriage is personal. Some people define their marriage as not having even friends of the opposite sex, some people can go so far as to have outside relationships. Some people get married and don't even take it seriously enough to stay faithful, so I don't think anyone can judge a relationship where both people are happy with the situation. If it works, what's the problem? They're both honest.

Obviously it wouldn't work for everyone. It takes a lot of trust and honesty and some of us just aren't raised that way - in theory I understand how it works and why it works, but if I tried it, I'm pretty sure I would drive myself crazy wondering if my boyfriend loved another girl more than me.

yeah plus what if he was seeing another girl who told him she wasn't happy with the open relationship thing and she wanted him all to herself? That's a fairly likely scenario imo

 

[HK]

yeah plus what if he was seeing another girl who told him she wasn't happy with the open relationship thing and she wanted him all to herself? That's a fairly likely scenario imo

Yeah... for me, too many variables. I think it's incredible that other people can do it and not go mad! So all respect to people who have those relationships and are both genuinely happy. I couldn't do it

 

[Butterfly]

yeah plus what if he was seeing another girl who told him she wasn't happy with the open relationship thing and she wanted him all to herself? That's a fairly likely scenario imo

That's where the trust comes in. We have promised eachother we would always be the 'primary' relationship. When we start a new relationship, the new person gets told that this is the case. If that person were to start getting demanding, and wanted to assume the role of the primary partner, we trust that we would call it off with them, or re-explain where they stand in the situation. I believe my man will always pick me. And in the past, he has done exactly that when a situation like you describe surfaced. I have to trust him, just as any monogamous person would have to trust their partner isn't fooling around on the side.

 

[Niamh]

That's where the trust comes in. We have promised eachother we would always be the 'primary' relationship. When we start a new relationship, the new person gets told that this is the case. If that person were to start getting demanding, and wanted to assume the role of the primary partner, we trust that we would call it off with them, or re-explain where they stand in the situation. I believe my man will always pick me. And in the past, he has done exactly that when a situation like you describe surfaced. I have to trust him, just as any monogamous person would have to trust their partner isn't fooling around on the side.

Fair enough and like I said whatever works between two adults is fine. I just think that you're putting yourself into emotional situations that you wouldn't if you were monogamous, like you know when you start a new relationship you have that real intense "honeymoon period" and that eases off after a while of being together, if he got that with someone else he may feel like he loves that new person more because the feelings are more intense with them

 

[Butterfly]

Fair enough and like I said whatever works between two adults is fine. I just think that you're putting yourself into emotional situations that you wouldn't if you were monogamous, like you know when you start a new relationship you have that real intense "honeymoon period" and that eases off after a while of being together, if he got that with someone else he may feel like he loves that new person more because the feelings are more intense with them

I give him a little more credit than that.
He isn't a baby, he knows how relationships burn bright and ease to a smolder. He's done this all before, life experience and all that. I guess it falls into what I call Trust.

 

[brieze]

But it's not really a marriage.....

..........is it? I'm not ready to settle down, again, so that's why I'm not married........when I'm ready to settle down and commit myself to one man and one man only,then I'll consider getting married, not before. JMO of course....I would never judge Butterfly, it's her life and if that's how she defines marriage, then so be it....but I'm sorry, I just don't agree.

I see it as a marriage *shrugs*

 

[FreightTrain]

But it's not really a marriage.....

..........is it? I'm not ready to settle down, again, so that's why I'm not married........when I'm ready to settle down and commit myself to one man and one man only,then I'll consider getting married, not before. JMO of course....I would never judge Butterfly, it's her life and if that's how she defines marriage, then so be it....but I'm sorry, I just don't agree.

This case isn't the definition of marriage any rational person would define. Marriage is between two people who love and trust one another. Not between a man and a dog. Not between an adult and a child. Not between a man, a woman and another man and another woman. It's becoming accepted to be a joining of a man and another man or a woman and another woman. The definition always states between "2" people. I don't agree with anything other than that definition. One can have a relationship with multiple partners, but that's not a marriage by any stretch of the definition. In fact, anything else is an insult to two, truly committed, married persons.

 

[brieze]

This case isn't the definition of marriage any rational person would define. Marriage is between two people who love and trust one another. Not between a man and a dog. Not between an adult and a child. Not between a man, a woman and another man and another woman. It's becoming accepted to be a joining of a man and another man or a woman and another woman. The definition always states between "2" people. I don't agree with anything other than that definition. One can have a relationship with multiple partners, but that's not a marriage by any stretch of the definition. In fact, anything else is an insult to two, truly committed, married persons.

Add the word 'straight' and it's like 40 years ago.

 

[FreightTrain]

I didn't say it only included "straight" couples. In fact, I pointed out that homosexuals can marry, too. And, that wouldn't be 40 years ago, more like 5.

 

[Butterfly]

Marriage is between two people who love and trust one another.

I'm only legally married to one person... that makes us TWO. And we LOVE and TRUST eachother. Sounds like marriage to me :24::24:

 

[FreightTrain]

No, you stated that you love and trust multiple partners. Marriage implies love between two people, exclusively.

 

[HK]

Who gets to define marriage, exactly?

Shouldn't it be the two people in the marriage?

Just because the norm is to have one partner only, ever, or you're a cheat, doesn't mean some people can't do things differently and still have a happy marriage. If Butterfly was here saying 'I cheat on my husband so I can stay in our marriage but still do what I want' then I'd expect bad reactions, but she's saying her and husband agree and equally take part in extra-marital relations. If that makes them happy and keeps their relationship thriving, why should that make it any less of a loving marriage?

Seriously, just because we wouldn't do something the same way does not automatically make it bad and wrong. Who is getting hurt by a couple dating others but agreeing that they remain number one for each other, especially if they're completely honest with everyone involved?

 

[Butterfly]

No, you stated that you love and trust multiple partners. Marriage implies love between two people, exclusively.

And yet, millions of those 'exclusive' marriages end in divorce... often because one of the partners has strayed. Sounds flawless.

Either way... I'm not going to justify my choices to you. You clearly have a set opinion of the matter, and nothing I say will convince you differently. It works for us, and has done so for 10 years... that is all that matters to me.