Here's a remake of the Men's Rules! Just a few tweaks:
(that men should not only know, but follow)
1. Women need the toilet seat down. You're a big boy. If it's up, put it down. You won't hear us complaining about you leaving it up. Next time we find it up, we're gonna nail that sucker down!
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are considered by us to be opportunities to see if you can find the perfect present . . . . again! If you don't succeed.... again..... Cash will suffice!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. You'll be so busy with that nonsense you won't notice your wallet missing anyway!
5. Cut your hair. Now. Long hair is for girls. One of the big reasons women fear getting married is that married men always grow their hair as they age for a combover, and by then we're stuck with you.
6. We will ask for what we want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Listen closely as we are just gonna say it.... and if necessary another 20 times!
7. We remember dates. . . .Period!! Keep a calendar!
8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. We know you won't be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with our dress - so don't offer or object?
9. No is the only perfectly acceptable answer to almost every question.
10. We'll come to you with a problem only if we want sympathy. That's what you do if you know what's good for you.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Take a shower and brush your damn teeth!
12. Anything we said 6 months ago is admissible in an argument. Fact! Deal with it!
13. If you don't stop sitting around in your shorts, we won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls.
14. If we think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Do something about it!!
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, you're sorely mistaken! There is only one way.... ours!
16.Go ahead and ogle. NO will be your bed partner for a long time!
17. We will tell you how we want something done. We do know best how to do it.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say while we're awake.
19. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, but you sure do.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your mother.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. That is why you need women!
22. If it irritates us, we will bitch. We do that.
23. We are mind readers and our mind-reading abilities are proof enough of how much we know about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as your mother, your habits, or our period.
27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (You don't need porn films lying about with us here!)
28. BEER is as exciting for us..... No it's not! We want the good stuff!
(that men should not only know, but follow)
1. Women need the toilet seat down. You're a big boy. If it's up, put it down. You won't hear us complaining about you leaving it up. Next time we find it up, we're gonna nail that sucker down!
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are considered by us to be opportunities to see if you can find the perfect present . . . . again! If you don't succeed.... again..... Cash will suffice!
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. You'll be so busy with that nonsense you won't notice your wallet missing anyway!
5. Cut your hair. Now. Long hair is for girls. One of the big reasons women fear getting married is that married men always grow their hair as they age for a combover, and by then we're stuck with you.
6. We will ask for what we want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Listen closely as we are just gonna say it.... and if necessary another 20 times!
7. We remember dates. . . .Period!! Keep a calendar!
8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. We know you won't be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with our dress - so don't offer or object?
9. No is the only perfectly acceptable answer to almost every question.
10. We'll come to you with a problem only if we want sympathy. That's what you do if you know what's good for you.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Take a shower and brush your damn teeth!
12. Anything we said 6 months ago is admissible in an argument. Fact! Deal with it!
13. If you don't stop sitting around in your shorts, we won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls.
14. If we think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Do something about it!!
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, you're sorely mistaken! There is only one way.... ours!
16.Go ahead and ogle. NO will be your bed partner for a long time!
17. We will tell you how we want something done. We do know best how to do it.
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say while we're awake.
19. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, but you sure do.
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your mother.
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. That is why you need women!
22. If it irritates us, we will bitch. We do that.
23. We are mind readers and our mind-reading abilities are proof enough of how much we know about you.
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as your mother, your habits, or our period.
27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (You don't need porn films lying about with us here!)
28. BEER is as exciting for us..... No it's not! We want the good stuff!
