Untitled

[Kat]

I am beaten and defeated, I throw up my white flag.
Though as I look up, I see now, the red dripping down.
Running around in circles, there is nothing left to do.
Can you hear now, the silent screams. Do you know whats there.
Such hollow words spoken, silence broken by the echo that surrounds.

Haunted past resurfacing, to tear this world apart.
Always reaching for something never there.
Sitting in the corner, hiding from the storm.
But how to hide....from the storm thats in your heart.

Running the race of your life,
tripping over yourself once again.
In the end...nothing seems to matter.
In the end nothing seems to sooth the pain.
The fears...stealing the fight from you.

 

[Sam]

Good One ... Kat

Its coming good !!!

 

[Obdurate]

Well, I thought you ended it well, with a really true line: The fears...stealing the fight from you.

Thing about writing this type of er, confessional, poetry -- instead of more abstract stuff which runs the risk of being pretentious, though I hate the word -- is that you are constantly running the risk of coming off as amateurish. IE: Like a 12 year old who just started writing.

For example, I think this could use some improvement:
I am beaten and defeated, I throw up my white flag.

I can see what you were going for, I just think it's a little cliche.

But I also like this stuff:
Running around in circles, there is nothing left to do.
Can you hear now, the silent screams. Do you know whats there.
Such hollow words spoken, silence broken by the echo that surrounds.

Haunted past resurfacing, to tear this world apart.
Always reaching for something never there.

Some nice imagery there. Lonely.


The rest of it is pretty good, though. So I like it. Even though it's not really my favourite type of poetry.

I think this would benefit from being a song though. It doesn't lend itself as well to just paper (or the net, in this case), so in a song it would come off as better.

Edit: Oh and you're better than a 12 year old who just started writing

 

[Kat]

Well, I thought you ended it well, with a really true line: The fears...stealing the fight from you.

Thing about writing this type of er, confessional, poetry -- instead of more abstract stuff which runs the risk of being pretentious, though I hate the word -- is that you are constantly running the risk of coming off as amateurish. IE: Like a 12 year old who just started writing.

For example, I think this could use some improvement:
I am beaten and defeated, I throw up my white flag.

I can see what you were going for, I just think it's a little cliche.

But I also like this stuff:
Running around in circles, there is nothing left to do.
Can you hear now, the silent screams. Do you know whats there.
Such hollow words spoken, silence broken by the echo that surrounds.

Haunted past resurfacing, to tear this world apart.
Always reaching for something never there.

Some nice imagery there. Lonely.


The rest of it is pretty good, though. So I like it. Even though it's not really my favourite type of poetry.

I think this would benefit from being a song though. It doesn't lend itself as well to just paper (or the net, in this case), so in a song it would come off as better.

Edit: Oh and you're better than a 12 year old who just started writing

Thanks for the tips...i kinda made it song type on purpose...i dunno sometimes when i write its to humming. Glad to hear its better than a 12 year old...though im not sure i agree with you on that case. I figured some poems/songs i write i really like...others well ast least they're written down somewhere so i can learn right