1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it
or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east
and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only three weeks a
year.
6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first
of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you
folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and
have long hair.
14. College and high school football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to
watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state
universities, universities, and vo-techs. They come outta
there with an education plus a love for God and country, and
they still wave at everybody when they come for the
holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get
whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
mess ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more
than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it
or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east
and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only three weeks a
year.
6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first
of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you
folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and
have long hair.
14. College and high school football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to
watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state
universities, universities, and vo-techs. They come outta
there with an education plus a love for God and country, and
they still wave at everybody when they come for the
holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get
whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
mess ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more
than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
