One of my Ryhmes/poems: For my Heart

[Silious950]

Once for the heart, the mess, I confess, I address, that I live in a romantic hopeless, sight, sound, touch, and sense, I'm cursed by this want for sex, the touch of the endless, nomadic, sporatic, vagrant wander for the hopeless stranded, so stressed, just wanting that girl in a summer dress, to spin at the train station, of feelings you can't let rest, vanilla scent remains plagued in the smell of being searched less, I swear my heart burns alone in this valley of the lone, consumed by my own wants, stranded at home, so much experience of knowledge of dome, not whats important, except the feeling of ones self importance, they say 2 make your whole, but why can't the 2 make more, a neverending story, of a man, a want, no more.


Courtesy of D-Verse (me)

 

[Sparkey Duck]

In my little opinion

You need to change the lay out, I got bored half way through with the monotone way it is set out. By breaking it up you can add cadence, flow, rhythm etc. As a general rule, if you are going to write like that with a poem, it's going to be free verse.

 

[Silious950]

Contructive criticism. It's more of a flow, rap. it goes to a musical beat. Ever heard of Slug? That's my influence

 

[Sparkey Duck]

Yeah, it's like modern beat poetry I feel, I'm open to all the ways literature goes. I think in written form, not necessary with stanzas, but a few breaks, it will stand up more as a written piece

 

[Obdurate]

Contructive criticism. It's more of a flow, rap. it goes to a musical beat. Ever heard of Slug? That's my influence

Oh that's good, because as I was reading it I couldn't stop thinking about how it doesn't do it justice written but in rap it would be good. I can picture someone flowing over it. Besides, when you rate something like what you've written against some of the crap that's popular (not all of it, though), I'd take your stuff every time.

Only part I didn't really like was "valley of the lone," because that seems forced and just doesn't flow right.

And Slug is good.