Jim`s Jokes..

[JimmyD]

ok here we go...

apologies for reposts in advance.

Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”

Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”

“No not yet.”

Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”

“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”

 

[JimmyD]

I've been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me its either poker or her.

I think shes bluffing.

 

[JimmyD]

It's been 6 years since my grandad died and we're still paying for his funeral.
I knew we shouldn't have buried him in a rented suit.

 

[JimmyD]

Guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. I'ts gonna be great."

"Wow, hold on a minute", says the bank manager, "theres already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."

The guy comes back next week, and says "right I've got it, I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. Its gonna be called Brie Cheese."

"I'm afraid that ones already there too," says the bank manager, "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I cant lend you the money for that."

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man. "Ive got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel". "Oh, now we're talking", says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"

The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth."

 

[JimmyD]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your damn brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[JimmyD]

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages?

I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.