How far should you go to protect your child's view of their parent?

[Laure]

that's fucking horrible

Yeah, but that's small potatoes compared to some of the other punishments he's delivered. The turtles were not the first, or last, animals to die. We stopped having pets all together for that reason.

 

[Accountable]

My ex husband is court ordered to pay $348 per month in child support. To date, he's paid a total of $60. He recently let me know he would be sending $500 to start catching up on what he owes. Because my kids are in clothes two sizes too small and without proper shoes for cold, wet winter weather, I borrowed from money I had set back for bills to buy them clothes and boots. I also splurged on a toy each, lunch at a restaurant and some new sheets and comforters for their beds.

Tomorrow, I will be returning the clothes, bed stuff and toys to the store because my ex has now decided it is more important to treat his new girlfriend and her kid to a weekend in the Florida Keys than it is to send the money he promised... the money he owes.

I have always done everything I can to protect my children from knowing what kind of person their father is. I've lied to them and covered for him more times than I can count. I even bought extra presents on Christmas and put his name on them, so they wouldn't know he didn't send anything.

This, I've been told time and again, is the right thing to do. No matter what the problems between you and your ex, you're never supposed to let the kids know. You're always supposed to speak of the other parent with respect, and encourage a relationship.

However, I'm to the point where I've got to ask... when does enough become enough? What do I do when I take the toys and clothes and baseball sheets from my kids tomorrow and tell them I've got to return them to the store? When they ask me why I'm taking the stuff they were so happy and excited to have, what do I say? "Daddy didn't send money like he promised, so I have to take your stuff." or "Mommy messed up the bills and I need to take it back to get the money in order to make up the difference?"

Yes, I know I shouldn't have spent money I didn't have. However, the idea of finally making them warm enough to go out and play and finally getting to buy them something they've wanted for so, so long was too tempting.

All that aside, however, at what point does preserving a relationship between my children and their father take a backseat to preserving their relationship with me? Because if I don't tell them the truth, that their father didn't keep his promise, they're going to be mad at me.

That's my way of thinking as well. If I just let them eventually see the kind of person he is for themselves, then there is no chance they will someday resent me for anything he's done. That's why I try so hard to cover for him.

My question, however, is how to do that and not make it look like I'm the piece of shit. How far do I go to cover for him? Hell, when he killed their pet turtles, I told them I accidentally forgot to feed them and they died. It's always been that way. They think he's a saint, because I don't want them to know what he's really like. I just can't keep pretending to be the person responsible for their broken hearts, when I'm the one who is bending until I'm nearly broken to keep their hearts in one piece.

Whoever told you what you're doing is the right thing to do are fucking lying. It's not the right thing to do. It's the easy thing to do. And it will come back and bite you in the ass.

The way things are going, they're going to find out that the guy they share DNA with (Lord knows he's not their dad) is a neglectful, abusive piece of shit about the same time they find out their mom has been lying to them all their lives and can't be trusted either.

You are one of the two people they are supposed to be able to trust and depend on the most in the world. If you think you're trying to keep from breaking their hearts now, imagine how crushed they will be when they find out they can't trust either of their parents.

Don't lie to your kids. Never lie to your kids. You're the foundation they build their whole lives on. If you can't depend on your foundation then you can't depend on anyone. Do your job. Be their foundation.

When Christmas comes, it comes. If they ask where Daddy's presents are, tell them none have come in the mail yet -- with no anger or bitterness for him, but with all the compassion you have for your kids who have a man who doesn't care instead of a real dad.

When the kids ask questions about him, tell them the truth, without embellishing and without volunteering extra information. If they want to know, they'll ask.

 

[HottyToddyChick]

I have to agree ^^

I think it's one thing to not bad mouth him, but I think it's bull that you are covering for him. Don't go out of your way to make him look like a decent human, because goodness knows he isn't!

 

[Pabst]

My ex husband is court ordered to pay $348 per month in child support. To date, he's paid a total of $60. He recently let me know he would be sending $500 to start catching up on what he owes. Because my kids are in clothes two sizes too small and without proper shoes for cold, wet winter weather, I borrowed from money I had set back for bills to buy them clothes and boots. I also splurged on a toy each, lunch at a restaurant and some new sheets and comforters for their beds.

Tomorrow, I will be returning the clothes, bed stuff and toys to the store because my ex has now decided it is more important to treat his new girlfriend and her kid to a weekend in the Florida Keys than it is to send the money he promised... the money he owes.

I have always done everything I can to protect my children from knowing what kind of person their father is. I've lied to them and covered for him more times than I can count. I even bought extra presents on Christmas and put his name on them, so they wouldn't know he didn't send anything.

This, I've been told time and again, is the right thing to do. No matter what the problems between you and your ex, you're never supposed to let the kids know. You're always supposed to speak of the other parent with respect, and encourage a relationship.

However, I'm to the point where I've got to ask... when does enough become enough? What do I do when I take the toys and clothes and baseball sheets from my kids tomorrow and tell them I've got to return them to the store? When they ask me why I'm taking the stuff they were so happy and excited to have, what do I say? "Daddy didn't send money like he promised, so I have to take your stuff." or "Mommy messed up the bills and I need to take it back to get the money in order to make up the difference?"

Yes, I know I shouldn't have spent money I didn't have. However, the idea of finally making them warm enough to go out and play and finally getting to buy them something they've wanted for so, so long was too tempting.

All that aside, however, at what point does preserving a relationship between my children and their father take a backseat to preserving their relationship with me? Because if I don't tell them the truth, that their father didn't keep his promise, they're going to be mad at me.

the answer to this largely depends on their ages. i will say this, it does no good to bad mouth him no matter how truthful it may be to your kids. even if he is a grade A screw up kids still need a father. hold him to account by all means, have him locked up if need be. but dont include your children in any discussion over what he's doing. my parents did that and i resent them both for doing it. they always had to make a snarky comment when they werent getting along and i felt like they were putting me in the middle and it pissed me off.

leave them out of it.