TheOriginalJames
Well-Known Member
I feel sick. I feel like someone was depending on me to make the right choices and I went in behind her back and just started lunging the knife as deep as I could so I could do whatever the hell I wanted. I never meant to do that, and I never meant to make anyone feel like I was doing that. But that's the way it showed up.
I've always tried to be a leader, but I've always failed. I'm just entirely too much on the side of the meek to make things work smoothly and calmly.
I came from this board after knowing Vs and Joe for only a few months, maybe a year if that, from Mustang Forums.
On mustang forums I was always bashed on, insulted and I've always had to defend myself against attacks, both because of what I drive, and because of who I am with my personal choices I've made in the past.
Let me tell ya what. I've made maybe one good choice in my lifetime. At least I think I did.
That choice was to keep that loaded 9mm my dad used to own away from my head and ending it all. I've always misunderstood everything I've ever come in contact with. I'm nowhere near as talented, or as educated as I should be as a 24 year old single male living on my own just TRYING to make ends meet.
I've lived a pretty damn good life. Brought up in a christian home with christian values that I've subsequently turned my back on in the past few years because I feel it hasn't done anything to help me along with life. My parents have been married for over 30 years and are still in love, I've always had two loving parents that were always there for me.
But the stress at my job is just killing me. Right now my hands are shaking and I'm wondering what the fuck is going to become of my life while I'm wasting away my 'party' years on the internet just trying to get away from bills and work.
But even this can't suffice the sickness I feel from what I have, and have not accomplished. I'm always left looking back at my post-high school years wondering, why did I do that? Or even more so; why didn't I do that? I had my chance to get a free ride to a prestigous automotive tech school in Indianapolis, where I could learn in one year, a career that would put a lot of money in my pocket and keep me fed and content for a lifetime.But I chose to turn it down because I couldn't get financial aid and I didn't want my parents to have to take that second mortgage on the house. I'd feel selfish if I had to put their financial future in my hands.
More importantly, why didn't I do that? Because I was too young and naive to forsee what it takes to survive in this world. It's just never fair, because that's what life is. Unfair, cruel, and brutally honest.
Now it's my turn to be brutally honest. I can be fairly immature (yeah, Alicia, I know... holy crap you're right! I never denied it, though). When I see things I think about them the only way I know how. My way. Of course my way is never right, and I always end up hurting the people I care about.
But now I just can't take this anymore. I just can't take knowing that I'm as imperfect as I was in high school. I don't enjoy serious conversations. I just can't seem to see anything from anyone elses point of view, that's not fine and dandy. But why should I care? Nobody ever see's anything from my point of view either. I'm always left with my own opinions and thoughts.
Things that normally shouldn't get to me, DO get to me. Like a customer telling me I'm skinny. People telling me what to do, people telling me how immature I am. It just pisses me off to the nth degree inside, and I just hold it in.
I have always gotten pushed around, from being a skinny 100 lb senior in high school, to being a skinny 135 lb 24 year old at work, I get ripped on almost weekly and I'm just too timid to have any sort of comeback to it. Like I said, life is unfair.
Life is unfair in the fact that when I was born, I was a chubby little bastard. I tipped the scales at 10 lbs 3 ounces when I was born, and I was 10 lbs overweight for my age up until I was THREE. And then I got sick, a big stomach bug that put me in the hospital for 3 months solid.
When I left the hospital I was 30 lbs under my target weight and have yet to be able to put on ANY WEIGHT. Now, without knowing this... sure the jokes aren't meant to be intentionally cruel, but to me they are.
I've never tried to be an asshole, but when I defend myself I become one. And that's just about the only thing a lot people seem to remember.
I always feel like I'm called on to do things that I should know, but can't remember how to do, and I always feel like I come up short to anyones expectations. Sure, my parents say they're proud. But I mean comon, they're my parents. The closest thing to a pep talk I've ever gotten is "don't worry about it". I always feel like my dad thinks I can read his mind, like I know what he means because my brother can pick up on what he means right off the bat. I am not my brother, but I feel like because he is my brother that my parents believe he and I have the same capabilities and memories.
Then we come to this board. I come to this board to flat out fuck around, goof off, and waste time having a good time.
As you all know I was removed for power for the repercusions some inane comment that I knew would make Chris mad, but not so much that it would turn into 5 pages in the Smod lounge which would ultimately be the catalyst for my removal.
It turns out that I've apparently personally insulted several people on this board unintentionally, and was even complained about previously. But I was never awarded an ounce of notification towards it. Then I get blamed for it, like I was the one who was always instigating fights and arguements. I know I started a few, because as you know Drama is good for ratings on TV.. then it might spark some new members here. Vs told me she simply can't have someone with mod status starting things, and now I feel like I'm the root cause of all of her problems on the board. I know that's not how she meant it, but that's the only way I can take it.
As for one thing though... I didn't start anything with vfast, he's had a vendetta against me since he got banned from MF. He was banned from MF at least twice after threatening me in plain site on the open board. When he brought it over here, I did nothing but defend myself against him when I should have just let it go. Sure, I kept his nonsense going but, for the most part, I did that because, at that point to me, it was funny to watch a grown man personally insult AND threaten my life.
This instigating, being the catalyst, pushed Vs to end my being allowed to moderate. I've never intentionally meant to insult, hurt, maim, or annoy anyone on the board by my cruel posts.
Veronica, I never tried to start any shit with you. When I was talking on the phone I thought I was very calm and relaxed when I explained my reasons behind doing it. But I don't think I explained myself very well.
I'm sorry. This is all my fault and you have every right to do what you did.
I know I have some growing up to do, but it gets hard to do when people are shoving their shit in front of me. I have never tried to peddle my problems on someone elses bike, but somehow I managed to peddle myself into trouble this time. I let myself get carried away, and I got slapped for it.
When i get mad, or insulted I push away. I don't want to continue talking to that person, and I don't want to listen to any other reasoning from anybody.
I don't even want to go into any relationship bullshit, because that's another 900 word essay in itself. Some of you have tried giving me advice in the past, and it just falls on deaf ears. I know what I'd need to do to make anything work. But I refuse to trust anyone, for the mere fact that I've trusted way too much and have always been pushed away and hurt.
I don't know what else to say, other than I feel like shit.
if you think this is just some sort of sympathy craving thread, then just don't comment. I don't want your sympathy and I don't mind if you're just sitting there rolling your eyes. I said what I felt I needed to say, probably revealing a little too much but you can't have friendship without a little bit of personal information being said.
I have got so much other personal bullshit that I need to work out for myself, but I've never had anyone I could simply rant to without having to listen to any advice.
I've always tried to be a leader, but I've always failed. I'm just entirely too much on the side of the meek to make things work smoothly and calmly.
I came from this board after knowing Vs and Joe for only a few months, maybe a year if that, from Mustang Forums.
On mustang forums I was always bashed on, insulted and I've always had to defend myself against attacks, both because of what I drive, and because of who I am with my personal choices I've made in the past.
Let me tell ya what. I've made maybe one good choice in my lifetime. At least I think I did.
That choice was to keep that loaded 9mm my dad used to own away from my head and ending it all. I've always misunderstood everything I've ever come in contact with. I'm nowhere near as talented, or as educated as I should be as a 24 year old single male living on my own just TRYING to make ends meet.
I've lived a pretty damn good life. Brought up in a christian home with christian values that I've subsequently turned my back on in the past few years because I feel it hasn't done anything to help me along with life. My parents have been married for over 30 years and are still in love, I've always had two loving parents that were always there for me.
But the stress at my job is just killing me. Right now my hands are shaking and I'm wondering what the fuck is going to become of my life while I'm wasting away my 'party' years on the internet just trying to get away from bills and work.
But even this can't suffice the sickness I feel from what I have, and have not accomplished. I'm always left looking back at my post-high school years wondering, why did I do that? Or even more so; why didn't I do that? I had my chance to get a free ride to a prestigous automotive tech school in Indianapolis, where I could learn in one year, a career that would put a lot of money in my pocket and keep me fed and content for a lifetime.But I chose to turn it down because I couldn't get financial aid and I didn't want my parents to have to take that second mortgage on the house. I'd feel selfish if I had to put their financial future in my hands.
More importantly, why didn't I do that? Because I was too young and naive to forsee what it takes to survive in this world. It's just never fair, because that's what life is. Unfair, cruel, and brutally honest.
Now it's my turn to be brutally honest. I can be fairly immature (yeah, Alicia, I know... holy crap you're right! I never denied it, though). When I see things I think about them the only way I know how. My way. Of course my way is never right, and I always end up hurting the people I care about.
But now I just can't take this anymore. I just can't take knowing that I'm as imperfect as I was in high school. I don't enjoy serious conversations. I just can't seem to see anything from anyone elses point of view, that's not fine and dandy. But why should I care? Nobody ever see's anything from my point of view either. I'm always left with my own opinions and thoughts.
Things that normally shouldn't get to me, DO get to me. Like a customer telling me I'm skinny. People telling me what to do, people telling me how immature I am. It just pisses me off to the nth degree inside, and I just hold it in.
I have always gotten pushed around, from being a skinny 100 lb senior in high school, to being a skinny 135 lb 24 year old at work, I get ripped on almost weekly and I'm just too timid to have any sort of comeback to it. Like I said, life is unfair.
Life is unfair in the fact that when I was born, I was a chubby little bastard. I tipped the scales at 10 lbs 3 ounces when I was born, and I was 10 lbs overweight for my age up until I was THREE. And then I got sick, a big stomach bug that put me in the hospital for 3 months solid.
When I left the hospital I was 30 lbs under my target weight and have yet to be able to put on ANY WEIGHT. Now, without knowing this... sure the jokes aren't meant to be intentionally cruel, but to me they are.
I've never tried to be an asshole, but when I defend myself I become one. And that's just about the only thing a lot people seem to remember.
I always feel like I'm called on to do things that I should know, but can't remember how to do, and I always feel like I come up short to anyones expectations. Sure, my parents say they're proud. But I mean comon, they're my parents. The closest thing to a pep talk I've ever gotten is "don't worry about it". I always feel like my dad thinks I can read his mind, like I know what he means because my brother can pick up on what he means right off the bat. I am not my brother, but I feel like because he is my brother that my parents believe he and I have the same capabilities and memories.
Then we come to this board. I come to this board to flat out fuck around, goof off, and waste time having a good time.
As you all know I was removed for power for the repercusions some inane comment that I knew would make Chris mad, but not so much that it would turn into 5 pages in the Smod lounge which would ultimately be the catalyst for my removal.
It turns out that I've apparently personally insulted several people on this board unintentionally, and was even complained about previously. But I was never awarded an ounce of notification towards it. Then I get blamed for it, like I was the one who was always instigating fights and arguements. I know I started a few, because as you know Drama is good for ratings on TV.. then it might spark some new members here. Vs told me she simply can't have someone with mod status starting things, and now I feel like I'm the root cause of all of her problems on the board. I know that's not how she meant it, but that's the only way I can take it.
As for one thing though... I didn't start anything with vfast, he's had a vendetta against me since he got banned from MF. He was banned from MF at least twice after threatening me in plain site on the open board. When he brought it over here, I did nothing but defend myself against him when I should have just let it go. Sure, I kept his nonsense going but, for the most part, I did that because, at that point to me, it was funny to watch a grown man personally insult AND threaten my life.
This instigating, being the catalyst, pushed Vs to end my being allowed to moderate. I've never intentionally meant to insult, hurt, maim, or annoy anyone on the board by my cruel posts.
Veronica, I never tried to start any shit with you. When I was talking on the phone I thought I was very calm and relaxed when I explained my reasons behind doing it. But I don't think I explained myself very well.
I'm sorry. This is all my fault and you have every right to do what you did.
I know I have some growing up to do, but it gets hard to do when people are shoving their shit in front of me. I have never tried to peddle my problems on someone elses bike, but somehow I managed to peddle myself into trouble this time. I let myself get carried away, and I got slapped for it.
When i get mad, or insulted I push away. I don't want to continue talking to that person, and I don't want to listen to any other reasoning from anybody.
I don't even want to go into any relationship bullshit, because that's another 900 word essay in itself. Some of you have tried giving me advice in the past, and it just falls on deaf ears. I know what I'd need to do to make anything work. But I refuse to trust anyone, for the mere fact that I've trusted way too much and have always been pushed away and hurt.
I don't know what else to say, other than I feel like shit.
if you think this is just some sort of sympathy craving thread, then just don't comment. I don't want your sympathy and I don't mind if you're just sitting there rolling your eyes. I said what I felt I needed to say, probably revealing a little too much but you can't have friendship without a little bit of personal information being said.
I have got so much other personal bullshit that I need to work out for myself, but I've never had anyone I could simply rant to without having to listen to any advice.
Believe me, I deal with that shit everyday at this house (hello joe). 
