Blonde jokes

[Mrs Behavin]

Feel free to add some more to these
_____________________________________________________________

-How do you drown a blond?
Put a scratch 'n' sniff at the bottom of the pool.

-A blond and a brunette are walking along in a forest and the brunette says, "Oh look a dead bird."
The blond looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

-Why did the blond try to climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

-Why do blonds not make good pharmacists?
Cause they can't fit those plastic bottles in the typewriter.

-Why can't blonds make kool-aid?
Cause they can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water into that little pouch.

-What do you call a row of blonds?
A wind tunnel.

-What do you get when you put a group of blonds in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.

-What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

-How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

-What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ.

-What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

-What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

-Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

-Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

-What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

-What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.

-What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

-Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Because their balls show!

-Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...

-What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck.

-Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

-Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

-How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

-A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

-A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

-A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. She then said aloud "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me in the face!!!"

 

[Mrs Behavin]

There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the Doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

 

[Mrs Behavin]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm going to jump too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Don't look at me", she said, "he makes his own lunch."

 

[TheOriginalJames]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again, if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm going to jump too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Don't look at me", she said, "he makes his own lunch."

bahahahahahaha

 

[Mrs Behavin]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasturized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

 

[Mrs Behavin]

What's the difference between a young blonde and an old blonde?
A young one uses Vaseline; an old one uses Poli-Grip.

 

[Mrs Behavin]

Two blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you; how did you die?" asks the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

 

[livvy7678]

Two Blondes were in a car driving past a field of grass where they saw another blonde in the middle of the field in a kayak with a paddle. "Its girls like that who create a bad name for us," said one of the blondes. "Yeah," said the other blonde "why don't you go tell her that the phrase "a sea if grass" doesn't mean sea as in water!" "I can't," said the first blonde. "Why not?" asked the second. "I can't swim.'' said the first.

 

[TheOriginalJames]

Two blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you; how did you die?" asks the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

hahahaha

 

[livvy7678]

Two blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you; how did you die?" asks the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

hahaha that took me awhile to understand that

 

[Mrs Behavin]

After surgery a blond has a question for her doctor.
"When can I have sex again?"
There is silence for a while, and the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh God, I knew it would be bad news" she cries.
The Doctor finally chimes in.
"It's not that, hun. This is the first time someone asked me that question after having a tonsillectomy"

 

[livvy7678]

Bwahahahahahaha

 

[Mrs Behavin]

How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.

Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.

Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "Next!"

 

[livvy7678]

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

 

[livvy7678]

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

 

[livvy7678]

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

 

[livvy7678]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

 

[livvy7678]

Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

 

[HouseOvaries]

Blondes are funnily stupid...

 

[Dodge_Sniper]

Two blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you; how did you die?" asks the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

:rofl2: I love you Amy!

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

:rofl2:

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a dildo under a glass table.

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

-----------

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

Q: Why did the blonde burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing!

--------------

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

-------------

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE,
then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really angry and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

-------------------

A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.

Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her, "What Are You Doing?”
She responds, "Duh, I'm winning."