Bar Jokes

[Ertragen]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000."
"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued.
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

 

[Ertragen]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[Dakota Jim]

Guy goes in bar orders 4 straight shots of Wild Turkey 100. Barkeep says "hey, that's some heavy stuff whats the problem?" The guy says he has the worst headache of his life. Barkeep tells him drinking isn't the answer. He advises the guy to do as he does...."when I get such a headache, I go home and my wife blows me, within minutes, my headache is gone, you should try that!" The guy says "I think I will, is your wife home now?"

 

[justmee]

two men walk into a bar. you think one of them would have seen it

 

[SammyStephens]

A Scottish gentleman was heard to hold forth in a public establishment.

"D'ye see that fence over there?" asked the man, pointing out the window. "I built that fence with my own two hands. I cut the wood and set each post. And do they call me Angus the Fence Setter? Nae, they dinnae!"

He took a large pull at his pint and pointed to a nearby barn outside.

"An' d'ye see that barn over there? I helped raise that barn. I pulled my weight and more to raise it upright, facing the heavens. And do they call me Angus the Barn Builder? Nae!"

Another libation. He warmed to his topic.

"You see that road out there?" He pointed with his crook out the door. "I built that road, each mile of it, by the sovereign sweat of my ain brow. And do they call me Angus the Road Paver? They dae no'!"

A deep and bitter draft made its way down his gullet.

But yae fuck ONE goat!!!!

 

[cam elle toe]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra




A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head....the barman says..."Geez mate, where'd ya get that?" and the frog says..."Dunno mate, it started as a pimple on me arse"


A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says..."WHy the long face"

 

[justmee]

A man walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, "sorry sir, but we are out of them, would you like a budwieser instead?"

Man says, "no, cause every time i drink beer, i get sick, go home and blow chunks".

Bartender says, "well last time you came here, you had 35 beers. Anyone who drinks that much beer would be blowing chunks."

Man says, "no, you dont understand, chunks is my dog."