Are You Comfortable With Your Friend Hanging Out Or Interacting With Your Partner?

[sidney]

I have seen this scenario happen a lot! 2 people like the same person and of course if they like the same person, drama and nastiness to each other is bound to happen! 2 of my close friends became bitter enemies when my friend secretly liked the now ex-bf of my other friend. The guy happened to be her childhood friend and playmate, since they grew up on the same street. The bitter friend just called me one day saying on my 1st "Hello" what a slut my friend was for hooking up with the guy who has a kid. Deep down I know that wasn't the reason. She secretly liked him. She was so mad that for an hour, all she told me was how awful my friend was and other things a mad person can think of to put down their enemy. She even cursed and called my friend a "slut" several times through text and she tried to ruin their relationship by inventing malicious stories so that the guy would not talk to my friend anymore.

I also have been betrayed by someone who I considered a "friend" because we like the same person, so I now know the "risk" of letting your friends and partner interact with each other, so I think that should be avoided if possible. Like just don't introduce your partner at all.

But that's just me. How about you? What is your stance on this? Are you cool with your friends being acquaintances with your SO or even crush, if you're single? You'll never know what might develop. It will hurt you for sure. Or you have the same stance that you don't trust your friends around your partner or vice versa? Because we all know some friends or SO's can be sneaky cheaters. Share your thoughts.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

I don't have a partner at this point in my life, but I would think that if I were to be dating someone, they would not only be my partner but my friend as well. I would want my friends to like him just as much as I do, and I would want them to interact with each other. Of course! It would make it a lot easier for me if my friends liked my boyfriend and vice versa.

 

[Gemma]

I'm comfortable with my friends and partner interacting, even to the point of sending them out to do something together if I don't want to go along.

My partner and I choose actively to be together. We stand at that point and choose each other over and over again. If there's a time when he would decide not to choose me and our relationship over momentary temptation or because his feelings for me have changed, he's free to go. I believe that it's impossible to eliminate the potential for him to choose someone else. Trying only makes both of us miserable. If he would be happier moving on to a different relationship, then I want him to go. I expect him to show me that same respect and courtesy. I have zero tolerance for jealous or controlling behavior. I refuse to live with it. Luckily, we're on the same page about this and have been together for a decade.

 

[sidney]

I'm comfortable with my friends and partner interacting, even to the point of sending them out to do something together if I don't want to go along.

My partner and I choose actively to be together. We stand at that point and choose each other over and over again. If there's a time when he would decide not to choose me and our relationship over momentary temptation or because his feelings for me have changed, he's free to go. I believe that it's impossible to eliminate the potential for him to choose someone else. Trying only makes both of us miserable. If he would be happier moving on to a different relationship, then I want him to go. I expect him to show me that same respect and courtesy. I have zero tolerance for jealous or controlling behavior. I refuse to live with it. Luckily, we're on the same page about this and have been together for a decade.

10 years is a long time already, so you trust each other completely in that long amount of time that you are together. But when you said that you send your friend to hang out with your partner when you don't want to go, a true story of a friend made a flashback in my mind where the guy fell for her too because they became close, so I think I will not be open as other people do when it comes to that, lol.

 

[Gemma]

10 years is a long time already, so you trust each other completely in that long amount of time that you are together. But when you said that you send your friend to hang out with your partner when you don't want to go, a true story of a friend made a flashback in my mind where the guy fell for her too because they became close, so I think I will not be open as other people do when it comes to that, lol.

I should mention that our relationship has pretty much always been like this. Three months in, he went to a Con for a weekend with three friends of ours, two girls and another man. The four of them shared a room with two beds; I didn't even think to ask until after how they worked that out. 8 months into the relationship, I spent a weekend with a male friend who lived somewhere sunny to get away from the snow. I just decided that I was going; If he had a problem with it and would have tried to stop me, that would have been the end, right there. Having trust and freedom within a relationship is VITAL to me. A few months later, he spent almost a week helping a female friend drive a moving truck from New York to Texas and unpack. Those type of things still happen with us sometimes. Smaller moments with friends happen regularly. I feel that anyone he meets is a potential opportunity to be attracted to them and he doesn't live in a bubble. He's around lots of other people of both sexes, friends, people at work, strangers. So am I. We aren't chained at the hip. If either of us wanted to cheat, we could find the time and a partner.

I can absolutely understand a situation like your friend's situation happening. I'm positive (because we've talked about it) that there are some of our friends that he cares about a lot and is attracted to. There are a few of our friends (male & female, I'm Bi) that are temptations for me. It's kinda fun to have that temptation and the thrill and resist. *Shrugs* If there's someone he would prefer to be with, that's his choice. If either of us breaks our agreement about exclusive sexual contact, there would be long discussions and consequences. And I won't lie, cheating happened pretty early on; I was more amused than upset because he cheated on me with another man before I even knew he was a little bit bi. Even if I would have limited his contact with women, it couldn't have prevented it. Our current agreement for exclusive sexual contact allows us to ditch the condoms and barrier methods (I'm on permanent birth control so that's not a concern); if the agreement is broken again and we want to remain together, it's back to the barriers for safety and neither of us are fond of them.

If we no longer wanted to be together, then no amount of clinging and chains could keep us together. I will not tolerate clinging or possessive behavior. I am not a possession and I hate to feel trapped. I manage my own emotions and fears (and I have them, it's not always an easy road) so that I can give the same freedoms that I demand. For me, sending him off alone with a friend that I know well and know he cares about is EASIER by far than wondering who he might find when he's out alone. The unknown is scarier than a known quantity for me because I hope my friends are also concerned about my feelings and less likely to push him to break our agreements.

On the other hand, I don't see anything wrong with you and your boyfriend/partner agreeing that he can't have female friends and you can't have male friends. When you talk about not having your boyfriend around your friends in case he might be attracted to them, would you be okay if he never wanted you to spend time with his male friends for the same reason? If that's what you both prefer, great. I can even see why something like that seems safer and easier for some. It's just not our preference and would not make either of us happy.

 

[sidney]

@Gemma, You must have a lot of trust in each other then. And both of you being bi increases that risk, like you have to keep an eye on both sexes! But I don't think anyone of you is keeping an eye on each other anyway, so that's good for you. If one of you would be the possessive type, that kind of set-up will definitely not work. I'm a guessing one or both of you is a Gemini or Sagittarius? I think you agreeing on exclusive sexual contact is a good thing since the risk if a big headache if one of you would cheat.

I'm single and if I were in a relationship, I don't want him around any of my friends and I don't mind not meeting his friends as well. I again remember when a friend and I was exiting the church and I was asked by this guy if I saw his buddy at the church. I told my friend that the guy that time was interested in me and she said that it's obvious. I asked her how she came to that assumption. She told me that she was trying to make eye contact with the guy, but he was only looking at me. That friend of mine is a huge flirt, so that's why I won't trust her around guys that I like.:thumbdown: And that goes to all of my friends for that matter. :rage:

 

[Gemma]

@Gemma, You must have a lot of trust in each other then. And both of you being bi increases that risk, like you have to keep an eye on both sexes! But I don't think anyone of you is keeping an eye on each other anyway, so that's good for you. If one of you would be the possessive type, that kind of set-up will definitely not work. I'm a guessing one or both of you is a Gemini or Sagittarius? I think you agreeing on exclusive sexual contact is a good thing since the risk if a big headache if one of you would cheat.

You totally guessed it. I'm a Gemini. He's a Sagittarius. It's kinda funny that you got that just from my descriptions of our relationship. Impressive too. You must have spent a lot of time studying astrology.

And yes, with both of us being bi (I'm pretty evenly bi; he's more hetero-flexible), there's no 'safe' gender to send one of us off with. A night I spend out with the girls could just as easily include flirting and sexual tension as me spending that time with men - which was my leading point in our initial discussions about what being in a relationship meant to us. I'm not saying things are entirely easy. We've both had our struggles and petty jealousies sometimes but those can be worked out without laying blanket restrictions on either of us. It definitely could be a temperament or personality thing. The important thing though is that we match up, we prefer the same things and communicate it.

I'm single and if I were in a relationship, I don't want him around any of my friends and I don't mind not meeting his friends as well. I again remember when a friend and I was exiting the church and I was asked by this guy if I saw his buddy at the church. I told my friend that the guy that time was interested in me and she said that it's obvious. I asked her how she came to that assumption. She told me that she was trying to make eye contact with the guy, but he was only looking at me. That friend of mine is a huge flirt, so that's why I won't trust her around guys that I like.:thumbdown: And that goes to all of my friends for that matter. :rage:

Sounds like you have a plan. I really think that's more common than the type of relationship my partner and I have so you will probably not have trouble finding a boyfriend who is okay with that. He might be just as relieved that you're not hanging around with his friends as you are that he stays away from yours. My sister and her boyfriend do that. He goes to spend time with the boys and she has some female friends over (or the other way around. She doesn't even like it if I talk to him or my mom talks to him very long. This boyfriend is perfectly happy with that so their expectations match. Her boyfriend, her rules, whatever...but it's a completely alien thought process to me. I can sort of walk through the logic of it intellectually but I don't truly understand it. Does that make sense?

Her boyfriend before this one, really nice guy, his car died and his job was near where I lived. He caught the bus into work but it had stopped running by the time he was done so I drove him home. If we so much as took a side trip to stop at the grocery store or had to stop for gas or whatever, even if he called her, she freaked out. Eventually, he broke up with her because he wasn't happy with the rules. It was a bod match from the start because of that. With the current boyfriend, they talked about this stuff early on so they both knew they felt the same way about what a relationship is and should be. That's important because it's not universal.

 

[joshposh]

I have seen this scenario happen a lot! 2 people like the same person and of course if they like the same person, drama and nastiness to each other is bound to happen! 2 of my close friends became bitter enemies when my friend secretly liked the now ex-bf of my other friend. The guy happened to be her childhood friend and playmate, since they grew up on the same street. The bitter friend just called me one day saying on my 1st "Hello" what a slut my friend was for hooking up with the guy who has a kid. Deep down I know that wasn't the reason. She secretly liked him. She was so mad that for an hour, all she told me was how awful my friend was and other things a mad person can think of to put down their enemy. She even cursed and called my friend a "slut" several times through text and she tried to ruin their relationship by inventing malicious stories so that the guy would not talk to my friend anymore.

I also have been betrayed by someone who I considered a "friend" because we like the same person, so I now know the "risk" of letting your friends and partner interact with each other, so I think that should be avoided if possible. Like just don't introduce your partner at all.

But that's just me. How about you? What is your stance on this? Are you cool with your friends being acquaintances with your SO or even crush, if you're single? You'll never know what might develop. It will hurt you for sure. Or you have the same stance that you don't trust your friends around your partner or vice versa? Because we all know some friends or SO's can be sneaky cheaters. Share your thoughts.

The title and the story don't really correspond to each other. I thought the story was going to be about letting your significant other hang out with your friends, but your story sounds more like you don't want your friends hitting on the guys that you have a crush on.

Let me give you my two answers for both scenarios. First of all, I'm a bit older now, almost 40, and really don't have time to be jealous or want to deal with the drama. If I find a girl that appeals to me, and just so happen a friend of mine likes her too, then it may at first get me a little ruffled up, but I tend to let it go and move on. I just don't want to deal with the headache and potential heartbreak. Besides, I'm at the crossroads in my life where I need to separate "friends", and "posers". My true friends would ask me first if I was trying to get with someone, as they respect me enough to not do something like that. The posers are the ones that have a different attitude and way of going about things, and will "cut in line", per say with no regards to your feelings or fake friendship.

Secondly, I'm not a jealous person, or I would say more that, I strive to not be jealous, is what I'm getting at. Jealous happens. It's a human emotion that can't be denied. I just tend to stay away from those feelings or just block it out and move on. Jealousy makes you ugly.

But I did have significant others and I had no problems with them hanging out or talking to my friends. There is a fine line to that. If one of my guy friends wanted to hang out with the two of us, no problem. But if he is trying to see her on the side without me knowing, big problem. That is obviously not a real friend if he does that. Besides, my real friends wouldn't do that anyways. I have a very bad temper when it comes to betrayal, so they know......they know.......not to do that to me.

I did have times where a guy friend of mine did call me at work asking if it was alright for my girl at the time to accompany him as his girlfriend. Which is fine. He took the time to call me, I ask if it was alright, and he brought along his girlfriend to assure me he wasn't trying to be sneaky about it.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

I'm comfortable with my friends and partner interacting, even to the point of sending them out to do something together if I don't want to go along.

My partner and I choose actively to be together. We stand at that point and choose each other over and over again. If there's a time when he would decide not to choose me and our relationship over momentary temptation or because his feelings for me have changed, he's free to go. I believe that it's impossible to eliminate the potential for him to choose someone else. Trying only makes both of us miserable. If he would be happier moving on to a different relationship, then I want him to go. I expect him to show me that same respect and courtesy. I have zero tolerance for jealous or controlling behavior. I refuse to live with it. Luckily, we're on the same page about this and have been together for a decade.

That's how it should be though! You should absolutely trust your partner and your friends so much that they're able to interact with each other and it be fine for everyone. Honestly for me I would want my significant other and my friends to get along, like maybe getting them in on surprises for me and stuff like that! I would want them to want to hang out or ask about my friends or my friends to ask about my significant other, stuff like that!

 

[Gemma]

That's how it should be though! You should absolutely trust your partner and your friends so much that they're able to interact with each other and it be fine for everyone. Honestly for me I would want my significant other and my friends to get along, like maybe getting them in on surprises for me and stuff like that! I would want them to want to hang out or ask about my friends or my friends to ask about my significant other, stuff like that!

I definitely prefer things this way but I have met enough people that DON'T like it that I'm not sure which is more normal. I think it's very important to talk about it very early on because when expectations are different, feelings get hurt. This is a big thing that will play a part in the dynamics of the relationship for the whole duration. Someone like my sister, might feel hurt if her boyfriend didn't act possessive. Someone like me will not tolerate any level of possessiveness. Some don't mind some jealousy and possessiveness but might not like too much of it. Some don't like to blend friend groups, not out of jealousy but because they're afraid who will get 'custody' of the friends if they break up or whether it will be awkward to see each other in group gatherings later. That can be a problem for people who don't think they'll ever feel comfortable socializing and being pleasant with an ex.

 

[sidney]

@Gemma, When you say "hetero-flexible", does it mean that he is more partial to girls than guys? Yep, the descriptions of your relationship are the ones that a Gemini or Sagittarius is cool with, so I would be surprised if you or him is a Scorpio (a very jealous and possessive sign) or Cancer. Even Aries can be possessive! Did you know that it is widely known in those who study astrology that Gemini's are usually bi? Not all, but pretty common than the other signs. And Gemini's and Sagittarian are people person, so a jealous partner would suffocate them.

Is your sister is a Scorpio? Her being jealous of you would be understandable since the age difference is not that wide, but your mom? I doubt your mom would even be interested in her bf and vice versa. That would be too odd. If it was a dad/son relationship I would understand since men are natural predators, but a mom/bf relationship? That is rare.

@joshposh, I think it's because I'm single, so I can't share anything about letting my bf hang out with others, but that is just one of the stories that got embedded in my head as to why I would not let my friends meet my partner if I have one especially if he is very likeable, physically or otherwise. Girls can be predators, like Edie from Desperate Housewives, if you are familiar with that show. :facepalm:

So you will just hand her over to your friend? I guess that's fine if you don't like her that much. But if the feeling is intense, you have to fight for it! Depends on the friend though, if you value the girl of the friendship more. unch:

And your friend asked to "borrow" your gf to pretend to be his gf, am I getting it right? If yes, then that's odd, lol.

 

[Gemma]

@Gemma, When you say "hetero-flexible", does it mean that he is more partial to girls than guys? Yep, the descriptions of your relationship are the ones that a Gemini or Sagittarius is cool with, so I would be surprised if you or him is a Scorpio (a very jealous and possessive sign) or Cancer. Even Aries can be possessive! Did you know that it is widely known in those who study astrology that Gemini's are usually bi? Not all, but pretty common than the other signs. And Gemini's and Sagittarian are people person, so a jealous partner would suffocate them.

Is your sister is a Scorpio? Her being jealous of you would be understandable since the age difference is not that wide, but your mom? I doubt your mom would even be interested in her bf and vice versa. That would be too odd. If it was a dad/son relationship I would understand since men are natural predators, but a mom/bf relationship? That is rare.

My sister is a Cancer. My sister is 8 years younger than me. My mother is 16 years older than me. It's a big age difference between mom and my sister's boyfriends but mom has dated men 10 years younger than her so maybe not so much a stretch that my sister gets nervous. Mostly though, its' that my sister is extremely possessive and likes to be possessed. That's the type of relationship she likes. It makes her feel secure.

I say I'm pretty evenly bi because I can really go either way. I don't have a strong preference even though I'm currently in a relationship with a man. My boyfriend is more attracted to women by far. He's had sexual encounters with men (so he's not just curious) and enjoyed them but wouldn't actually consider another man for a long term relationship that is beyond a friendship. I guess, in that he's not strictly straight, he's bi but I think of bi as a scale with a huge range anywhere in between strictly straight and strictly gay. Does that make sense? I've met women who will 'play' with another woman for her boyfriend but wouldn't consider it on her own; They're not repulsed by other women but it's more 'meh' than something they truly enjoy. I've also met guys that are more gay and wouldn't really want to be in a relationship with a woman but will have a threesome with their boyfriend and a woman to please them and aren't totally repulsed by the idea. Flexible. There's a flexuality test floating around the internet with some interesting definitions.

 

[joshposh]

[USER=8842]@joshposh, I think it's because I'm single, so I can't share anything about letting my bf hang out with others, but that is just one of the stories that got embedded in my head as to why I would not let my friends meet my partner if I have one especially if he is very likeable, physically or otherwise. Girls can be predators, like Edie from Desperate Housewives, if you are familiar with that show. :facepalm:

So you will just hand her over to your friend? I guess that's fine if you don't like her that much. But if the feeling is intense, you have to fight for it! Depends on the friend though, if you value the girl of the friendship more. unch:

And your friend asked to "borrow" your gf to pretend to be his gf, am I getting it right? If yes, then that's odd, lol.[/USER]

Hand her over to my friends? What does that imply? My 1 guy friend wanted to take her out because she was new to my home town. He felt awkward so he brought his girlfriend along so it wouldn't look like he was trying to steal her away from me. That is a big difference between handing her over and for my girl to take the time to get to know my friends and see the sights. You make it sound like i gave him the papers to my new car. No harm no foul. You can't assume that every second is going to be a chance for someone to swoop on in and take her away. I fight for the ones that honor me. If she felt like leaving me, then obviously she doesn't care about me and why would I give a F*** about someone like that.

If you are going to assume that your significant other is constantly going to cheat or someone is trying to take her away, then that on your part is called jealousy and paranoia. Those are the two most hated things I look for in a person.

 

[Lushlala]

I think I see where Sidney is coming from. Or maybe I can relate a little more because I had something nasty happen to me with a former boyfriend. A former best friend at the time decided she wanted my boyfriend for herself and they both took off together. At the time, I was quite ok for them to be close and have a close friendship. I was always the jealous type but always tried to be accommodating and rational. I was far from the possessive or bunny boiler type. But I believe I was TOO accommodating because all the signs were there. They would flirt and be overly familiar with each other, but I didn't want to be overbearing or unreasonable.

Ever since that incident, I have changed my stance. Of course, I want my husband to get on with my friends and have a laugh with them. But I draw the line at them spending together ALONE, just as I don't think it'd be appropriate for me to hang out with one of my husband's friends on a one-to-one basis, in my husband's absence. I don't think it's ok for them to be talking on the phone, calling and texting each other, where I'm not a part of that interaction. I also feel that my husband should not be privy to any "girl talk", especially my girlfriend's "sexcapades" that could be perceived as coming onto him. I strongly should feel that there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

 

[Boomer]

lol None of my friends could afford my wife.

 

[azrmacc]

The thing is, my partner and I belong in the same circle of friends so that kind of thing is not a problem. Even better because my partner is sort of anti-social, and he really chooses who to interact with (seems a bit snobbish, but that's how he is). And our friends have been long time friends, like, dating back in his secondary school days, so they can all be trusted. Our friends are sick people anyways, so there's really no chance of any of them developing feelings for each other.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

I definitely prefer things this way but I have met enough people that DON'T like it that I'm not sure which is more normal. I think it's very important to talk about it very early on because when expectations are different, feelings get hurt. This is a big thing that will play a part in the dynamics of the relationship for the whole duration. Someone like my sister, might feel hurt if her boyfriend didn't act possessive. Someone like me will not tolerate any level of possessiveness. Some don't mind some jealousy and possessiveness but might not like too much of it. Some don't like to blend friend groups, not out of jealousy but because they're afraid who will get 'custody' of the friends if they break up or whether it will be awkward to see each other in group gatherings later. That can be a problem for people who don't think they'll ever feel comfortable socializing and being pleasant with an ex.

It doesn't have to be normal, it's just whatever makes the person more comfortable in my opinion. It doesn't matter which one is more normal or the way that more people feel about it. It all matters what you think about it.

 

[The Man]

If you dont trust your partner then you picked the wrong partner....or are being paranoid....neither is healthy for the relationship.

 

[Stardom22]

I am not comfortable with that at all. Why don't they interact with their own partners.