Alone, In the Dark, On the Road

[PoopaSwoof]

Recent events have brought back memories from my past and they wouldn't quit bothering me until I wrote them down. Thought this might be worth sharing.

Alone, in the dark, on the road.

I put one foot in front of the other. "Just keep walking" one of the voices tells me.
So I keep walking and freezing as pain radiates from my legs and the cold seeps into my bones. Just keep walking on and on into the night.

How did I come to this? I ask myself again and try to remember what put me here on the road. I look back in my mind and see only blackness again.
"Dont distract yourself " the other voice says. So I give that exercise in futility a rest again and keep walking, just me and the voices going down the road.
I know that the voices cant be real. They just cant. But they're all I have and they keep me going. I need something to keep me going because,
if I stop and give up I will die. I tried to stop once and curl into a ball and just quit but the voices, both of them, kept on and on and I shivered and shook
until I couldnt stand it anymore. So I am at it again, still walking, in the dark, just me and my voices.

Ahead I see a light from a farmhouse and I wonder. Do I dare stop and ask for help? "Probably not a good idea" says one voice.
"Do you want to get shot?" asks the other voice. Do I want to get shot?............ That triggers a memory from beyond the blackness.
I see a .357 magnum pointed at my head and I grab the barrel and put it to my forehead. Go ahead, shoot me" I say and it just fades off into the blackness.
So thats why I'm here? Is this Hell? Am I still alive?
As if to answer I hear a woof, a deep woof from a big black dog. He is standing in the yard of the farmhouse ahead. It is not a friendly woof, more like a warning.
Two more dogs appear at the big black's side. This is not good I tell myself. But I keep walking because I must. "Run!!" screams one voice.
"Show no fear" says the other, harder voice. No I will show no fear. I angle over to the center of the road and keep walking.
I dont look at or acknowledge the dogs even as I hear the low growl from the big one. I just keep walking down the middle of the road.
"Run" the softer voice urges. "Dont you dare run" commands the hard voice. I dont run, I know better than to run from a dog, much less three dogs
As I pass by the house I can hear the dogs coming. I can hear the click of their nails on the road as they fall in behind me.
I glance back over my shoulder and there they are maybe 50 feet behind me. The big one is in the center and the other two on each side.
"RUN!!" screams the soft voice. "Stop!" commands the hard voice. I know the hard voice is right. "Show no fear" the hard voice says.

So I stop in the middle of the road. I turn around to face the dogs and take a step at them. "Git" I say, and they stop.
I turn around to keep walking and I hear them coming. So I spin back to face them and take two steps toward them and again tell them to Git.
This time they veer off to the side of the road and stop and stare at me. I dont move. They dont move. We just face each other down for what seems like an eternity.
Finally the big one drops his head slightly and looks back at the farmhouse. I know I've won but I wait. The big one looks back at me then turns and trots off with the others.

So I turn and keep walking towards a lightening sky. Dawn is coming. I guess I will make it through this night.
I still dont know why.
I still cant go back.
I still must keep going forward.
The voices say this is the way and I'm still alive.........................


More to come later.................maybe

 

[RedRyder]

I'm hooked.

..... and you have a friend to follow along.

 

[PoopaSwoof]

I'm hooked.

..... and you have a friend to follow along.

It aint easy but it comes out slowly and sometimes painfully.

 

[cam elle toe]

Im looking forward to the next instalment too

 

[Willow]

I can walk quietly by your side ... just in case you need some support.. ♥

 

[PoopaSwoof]

Im looking forward to the next instalment too

I can walk quietly by you also... just in case you need some support.. ♥

Thank you both.
It means a lot.


I aint looking for sympathy but more to get this part of my life out of my head and off my back so to speak. It was a long hard journey and it still aint over to some degree.
Life is way better now though.

 

[PoopaSwoof]

Alone, In the Dark, In the rain.

I slowly walk up the interstate on ramp. It's raining a cold mist just above freezing but I am not that cold.
The ramp seems eternally long but I know if I Just keep puttng one foot in front of the other the end will come.
I'm not cold because I'm better prepared now. The voices told me what to do.

After the long freezing night with the dogs I walked into a town. "You wont make it through another night like that" said the soft voice.
"You have to get prepared." said the hard voice. Each step I took toward town was agony. My legs were like lead and my hips burned.
I think it was the heat radiating out of my hips that kept me from freezing to death. Yes, I needed to fix this problem or die.
Die! I thought for a moment, maybe I did, or maybe I should. "No!" both voices said at once. "You have to go on." said the soft voice.
"Suffer motherfucker" said the hard voice.( I could go into more detail about my voices but not now, later)
Ok, so now what? I ask. "You need a coat." said the soft voice. "No shit, but that aint gonna be enough" the hard voice said.
I take out my wallet and look inside, nothing there. No money means no coat, no nothing. Now what? I ask. The voices are silent.
They have abandoned me. So I pull myself out of my head and actually look around and there right in front of me,as if by magic is my answer.
I am standing ten feet away from a pawn shop. I take further inventory and find that I have a gold Masonic ring on my hand.
Funny how I had never noticed it before. And I have an old silver dollar in my belt buckle.
"Ok now you can do this" encourages the soft voice."Dont be anxious and nervous, be cool" says the hard voice.
I dont think I had ever been in a pawn shop before but I have to do this to stay alive. So I go in.
I came out with a little less than fifty bucks. "That will have to do" said the soft voice. "Sucker" said the hard one.
Across the road was a run down shopping plaza that had a thrift store and a dollar store.
I came away from there with a warm coat, knapsack, cheap sleeping bag, hat,and a few things to eat and drink on the road.
I sat right outside in the parking lot and put my kit together and headed back out on the road.
I got maybe about a hundred yards when I realized I couldnt walk much farther.
The sun was starting to get low and I could feel the chill creeping back in the air. My legs ached and my hips screamed in agony.
"You need to rest" said the soft voice. "Suffer" said the hard voice. I chose to listen to the soft one.

I spotted a stand of trees in a field just outside of town and slowly, painfully made for it. I went along a hedgerow that pretty much shielded
me from view from the road. I went about fifty feet into the woods and found a piece of heavy duty plastic stuck to a barbed wire fence.
"Perfect" said both voices and I agreed. I now have the makings of a tent. So I hooked the "tent" over two branches and rolled out my new
sleeping bag and slept the sleep of the dead. I woke before dawn the next day and tried to crawl out of my bag and just stopped.
My legs refused to move.So I just laid there and watched the sun rise, drank a bit, managed to eat half a granola bar, and slept all day.
It took two days to get to where I could stand again but they were quiet, voice free days that seemed to just drift by.
The third day started with clouds and wind blowing out of the south. My tent nearly blew away and I barely caught it
before it sailed out of the woods and across the field. "You need to move now" shouted the hard voice. It caught me by suprise.
I had almost forgotten them, the voices, but now they were back urging me on. So I packed up and went.

I made my way back to the road just as the rain threatened. "There's a car coming" said the soft voice. "Stick out yout thumb stupid" said the hard one.
So I stick out my thumb and amazingly the car pulls over. "Get in before it starts pouring" says the driver. So I do.
To this day I cant remember the guy's name but he was one of those few, rare people that knew how to help someone without even trying.
Of course the first thing he asked me was where was I going. I didnt know what to say. The voices knew. "South, way south, out of the cold" they said.
I told him I was heading south. "You a vet?" he asked. "No" I said. "I coulda swore you were, You got that look" he said. I didnt say anything.
We drove a long way before he spoke again. "When I said you got that look, I meant the look I see in guys that have seen too much action"
He went on and told me about his tours in Vietnam, about how agent orange had eaten him through and He was headed to the veterans hospital in Charleston.
I ended up telling him that I was missed having to go to 'nam by just a few years. He said that I was lucky.
I really didnt feel lucky but I listened to his stories, fascinated, all the way to Charleston.

I dont remember much about Charleston. I remember the fight behind a Burger King over a cheeseburger.
I remember walking into a shelter and walking right back out. I remember the advice the vet had given me about hanging out at a truck stop and
looking for a ride south. So I end up at a big truck stop on I-77. I get there at night in the freezing rain and go inside.
I spent the next several hours nursing a cup of coffee in the diner, watching this crazy guy wander from table to table bugging the truckers.
"He's the crazy one." smirked the hard voice. Then Crazy dude heads my way. I took that as my cue to get up and leave.
So I sling on my pack and head out the door and up the on ramp to the highway. Back to where this part started and where I stop for now.....

 

[MoonOwl]

Life is way better now though.

For that I am thankful and that we found each other smiley31:
(XX)

 

[Guyzerr]

Awe....

*** sniff... sniff ... ***

 

[MoonOwl]

Awe....

*** sniff... sniff ... ***

 

[Willow]

I aint looking for sympathy but more to get this part of my life out of my head and off my back so to speak. It was a long hard journey and it still aint over to some degree.
Life is way better now though.

Many times we have to walk back and start our journey once more, even if it is only inside our heart... so we can finally heal...
.... only love, compassion and understanding from my journeying heart to yours...

For that I am thankful and that we found each other smiley31:
(XX)

​

 

[PoopaSwoof]

Awe....

*** sniff... sniff ... ***

Quit sniffin around Moonie ya old perve.:24::jk

 

[Codrus]

its been a long road poop.....im glad that your doing this.

talk to you guys soon

 

[Alien Allen]

You should have been a writer

This is well written.

 

[PoopaSwoof]

You should have been a writer

This is well written.

Thanks man.

This stuff has been rolling around in my near empty skull for a while now.
Sometimes it is not easy to get out.

Next installment coming soon................

 

[Alien Allen]

Thanks man.

This stuff has been rolling around in my near empty skull for a while now.
Sometimes it is not easy to get out.

Next installment coming soon................

I could write a book on my issues too.

They say putting this kind of stuff in writing even if you do not share can help.

Hope it does for you.

I can tell from the little that has been posted in the past there is a history you are dealing with. Maybe this will help. Not sure how much you want to say on a public forum though. I just got my ass handed to me a week ago for doing that on facebook. I took heat for something I did not deserve just because I admitted I have emotions and feelings. So be careful

 

[GoldDust Woman]

Don't stop... keep writing. I eagerly await your next installment.

Fondly - to you, the voices and Moonie...

 

[Alien Allen]

Don't stop... keep writing. I eagerly await your next installment.

Fondly - to you, the voices and Moonie...

Ditto

Bump

 

[PoopaSwoof]

It's getting closer to the tough stuff so this will probably be in shorter installments.


Heading South.

As I trudge up the on ramp in the freezing rain I hear a Semi grinding through it's gears as it comes up the ramp.
I turn around and see this big old Kenworth pulling a flatbed trailer just topping the slope that I had so tediously walked up.
"Stick out your thumb stupid" growls the hard voice. It's so dark that I doubt that the trucker can see me but I do it anyway.
Just as I stick out my arm, I hear the engine start to wind down. I cant believe it, this guy is stopping for me.
I climb up to his passenger door and open it. "Heading south ?" The trucker asks. "Yes I am, as far as I can" I reply.
That was the beginning of a long ride.

I stowed my pack and took off my coat because it was plenty warm in that cab. "I seen you leave when crazy dude came toward you, smart move there."
said the trucker. "I just didnt want any trouble, figured I'd take my chances on the road." I told him.
"Well, you're in luck tonight, I got one drop in Savannah and another in Talahassee after that if you want to go that far." the guy said.
"Sounds great" I said."My name is Richard but people call me Dick and dont give me no shit about it" says Dick. "No shit from me,
My name is Bill and I really appreciate you stopping." says me. "I have a long night ahead and I need to talk to stay awake,
Your job is to talk to me all the way to Georgia. Can you do that?" asks Dick. "Absolutely" I say.
Dick put the truck into gear and away we went. "You passed your interview" the soft voice said.

We talked about everything. Politics, religion, winter, whatever came to each of our minds and the miles flew by.
When the subject of Vietnam came up, Dick's voice changed. It got hard and quiet and I could feel the tension rising.
"We can skip 'nam if you want, I was a bit too young and didn't get to go" I told him.
"No", he said "If you didn't serve then you need to hear it". "Ok, go ahead. I'm all ears" I said.
Dick went on to tell me about being drafted and boot camp and going to Vietnam with this crazy idea that he was going to make a difference
and free the Vietnamese from them evil commies. He found out pretty quickly how fucked up that idea was and went on to tell me
some of the most fucked up, horrible shit I had ever heard. I cant even begin to repeat the horrors he spoke of. I knew a few guys that had served but,
they were never "on the line" or "in the shit".

Dick's Vietnam stories got us the rest of the way to Savannah and his first drop. Since we were about 2 hours early, we shut down and got some sleep.
I slept the sleep of the dead, again. Dick woke me up when the place opened and showed me how to undo the tarps and straps covering the load.
After half his load of steel and stucco wire(I hate that shit) we resecued everything and headed to a truck stop. I told Dick that I would just wait in the truck while he ate but he said "Bullshit, you did your job, you're gonna eat" So I ate the first full meal that I could remember since I was on the road.

While we were eating, Dick asked me how I came to be on the road.
I looked at him and tried to answer. I tried to think back and the blackness hit me again blotting out everything while the voices rumbled in my brain.
He must have seen it on my face as I tried to come up with something. "You got that look" he said. "What look?" I asked.
You look like so many guys I've seen that were in the shit over there ('nam). It will probably get worse before it gets better." he said knowingly.
"Fuck him,what does he know." said the hard voice. I just sat there for a while staring at my plate until Dick said "Come on man,finish up, we gotta get rolling"
So off we went, cutting across Georgia. Georgia is one of those states that just goes on forever. Especially when you are taking two lane highways.
We talked baseball, and football, and all sorts of other stuff except personal stuff. On reflecting back now, I realize what a wise and decent man Dick was.

We rolled into Tallahassee around dark and parked outside of the supply yard for Dick's last drop. Dick crawled back into his sleeper and told me
to get some rest but keep my ears open cause this wasnt the best part of town. Again I slept the sleep of the dead. The sleep of the dead is almost instant and dreamless. It seems that I didnt dream for months. That was a good thing. Later my dreams were haunted by the demons of the mind.
Demons dont give up very easily, I learned later. They still try to get at me today if I give in and listen to them. I hear them rumbling even now.......

 

[cam elle toe]

You sure is a good story teller Poops.:clap