A long story I'm writing

[Trollercoaster]

OK, I am writing a loooong story about a college student fighting criminals. BTW I wrote part of it on other forums, but I got b7 for no reason so it's deleted now. The story is called Rufus Stanley and the Lake of Blood.

 

[Trollercoaster]

Chapter 1: So It Begins​

This year, Rufus Stanley was starting college. He was a very intelligent student, but also quite troublesome and lazy. He was also extremely inquisitive and adventurous, and the mundane classroom with its teacher discussing the Boston Tea Party or the Secession of the South in the most predictable manner possible. As a result, he got a B- in all his classes, except Calculus, which he got an A- on due to his repeated failures to achieve competency on the homework section of the class, and programming, which he easily 100%ed with plenty of spare time left to browse 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica, using his superior 1337_h4x0r skills to get past the school blocks. Apart from this lazy behaviour, he also possessed a tremendous addiction to pranks in any shape or form. His high school history involves pretending to be ill to pull a few pranks in the world outside, writing the sort of words generally seen as offensive and disgusting on papers from the teachers’ desks, and once even organizing a 4chan raid on the school website.But let’s return to the present now. Rufus was looking forward to college. But the cause of his excitement had nothing to do with the groundbreaking academic achievement he would have if only he was an infinitesimal bit more diligent. It had more to do with what he did best for years, which was having fun with his friends. And the amount of friends he had was quite plentiful indeed. He was one of the most popular kids for 13 years straight, but his best friend so far has been Michael Hecker. He met him in 9th grade and they were friends since day one of high school. Obviously, he had plenty of friends before, but his change of residence from California to Illinois immediately after 8th grade sort of got in the way of any sort of middle school reunion, so he had to accustom himself to a new environment. Due to his talent, however, that was an incredibly simple task, and he quickly got the majority of the school acquainted with him. There was a group of people who absolutely hated him, all led by one student, but we’ll get to that part later. Now, out of this circle of friends he had several close ones, but the closest was Mike. Mike’s girlfriend, Kaitlyn Hughes, was also his close friend. Some other close friends were Nicholas Boughton, Matthew Lande, and Thomas Rockford. At the present moment Rufus was sitting in his incredibly untidy bed and contemplating on how to use his friends to earn himself a reputation on campus.
“First impressions are the key to the general population” he muttered to himself. “We shall start with a start-of-year prank”
He chuckled to himself. Already an idea was forming in his mind. He got out of bed and brushed his long brown hair out of his face. Speaking of his appearance, he was also quite tall for his age, tanned, and quite strong naturally, but too lazy to ever work out in a gym or any other athletic center. He liked sports, but detested what he considered menial work. Still chuckling to himself, he grasped his cupboard, and took out his old Dell. As he opened the far-from-clean, food-stained lid of the laptop, he anticipated the respect that would erupt from the people who were soon to be his fellow students. He placed his fingers on the keyboard and typed in http://www.facebook.com. As it often happened in the past 4 years, he didn’t have to place the text “Michael Hecker” in the search text box, considering the fact that his best friend’s new status was the first thing he came across after logging in. He started sending him a message.
"Today will be a lulzy day" was all he said. Despite his impatience, Rufus was far from unintelligent, and he certainly wouldn't put forth a half-baked attempt of a prank with an exceedingly high potential failure. Therefore he decided to carefully outline every detail of the plan. He got out of bed and started pacing around his room. He decided to try to perfect that idea that was slowly taking shape. It revolved around a student named Jose Michaels. Jose was, to put it in a brief manner, Rufus' nemesis all throughout high school. His mother was born in Mexico, and when she took her family to her homeland, Jose's arrogant father immediately affiliated himself with a drug cartel. Not much was known about Jose's life after the incident, except the fact that the whole family has gone to pot (no pun intended). Years later, Rufus and Jose both enrolled in Sandstone High School. Jose always wanted to be cool like Rufus, but didn't have the wits. As a result, he started acting like, to put it nicely, a complete douchebag to Rufus. Currently, Rufus saw little issue in pulling a prank on him as another one of his mini-paybacks that he kept exchanging with Jose for approximately 4 years. So, as he circled the carpet that enfolded his room floor, his chuckle slowly emerged into a full-fledged laugh.
"Just think of all the lulz that will fill the classroom when Jose discoveres worms in his backpack" he said to himself after finally stabilizing his hyperactivity.
Of course, Rufus could have come to the various orientations at his college, but he didn't for the same reason he didn't take notes on WWII in Mr. Everett's history class in junior year. So he awaited an unfamiliar environment to which he, hopefully, would adapt quite rapidly. Back to his prank plan, he decided to start it early, so he snuck out of bed, and opened the cupboard in the kitchen. Here was a slightly tricky segment: Rufus' parents were sleeping in the room right next to the kitchen, with the door wide open; he could hear their snores quite well. Rufus knew well the ear-piercing creak the door produced when moved but an inch, so turning the light on in the kitchen would jeopardize his hilarious and ambitious plan. So he had to carefully take the jars out, without so much as a clank, in case the sound filled the destructive place of the lamp by waking his parents. As he wrapped his thin fingers around the top of a jar, he felt the lack of space between it and the glasses surrounding it. Inch by inch, he slid the jar out of its place, letting it make a tiny sliding sound as he pulled. The jar had a hefty volume, so he figured it would be more than enough for his plan. He then snuck back to his room and got dressed in a black T-shirt, a pair of khaki shorts, and grey sandals. He opened the window and threw down a portable ladder, followed by jumping down to the outside world. The fall from the second floor was quite long for an average person, but Rufus was so used to such errands, any shorter fall would seem just wimpy to him. So he grabbed a shovel from the garden shed and started digging. He spent about 3 hours looking for enough worms for his epic prank. By the time it started getting light, he had just enough worms to completely fill the jar. Now, he went to the large rose bush that grew just outside his window, and, being careful not to cut himself on any of the thorns, took out the ladder that fell there. He unfolded the ladder, and set it up right outside his window. Quickly, he climbed the ladder and got back into his room through the window. As he scrambled into his room, the can of worms clutched in his hands, he heard activity in the kitchen downstairs.
"Oh shit. They woke up." he muttered as he quickly started pulling the ladder into the room. The ladder was heavy and the window narrow, so by the time he managed to get the ladder inside, he heard footsteps ascending the staricase. As quick and quiet as he could, he folded up the ladder, closed the window, and hid both the ladder and the can behind the vast mass of clothing in his closet. His mother, Amelia Stanley, entered the room and was greeted by the image of her son standing by his bed.
"Oh Rufus, you're already up!" she said in a relieved voice; Rufus was
a nuissance when it came to getting up early. "I'm sure you're nervous
about starting college. Don't you think you should wear something a
bit more...formal for the occasion?" she added, looking at the black
T-shirt and khaki shorts Rufus wore in preparation for the epic pwnage
of Jose Michaels.
"Judging by today's fashion, I'm sure my reception will be good enough." Rufus immediately replied.
"Okay then, just make sure to watch your behavior. You're in college
now." his mom replied.
Looking at his watch, Rufus saw that it was now exactly 5:50. That
meant that he had only 10 minutes before the city bus would arrive.
Wolfing down his breakfart of a ham sandwich at lightning speed, he
quickly took his backpack, stuffed the can of worms in it, and ran out
the door of 17 Rudway Avenue, where he lived, without so much as a
goodbye. Luckily the bus station was quite close, ensuring his arrival just in time. Handing
the driver the bus toll, he took a seat opposite Mike and his
girlfriend Kaitlyn. Mike was a tall adolescent with light brown hair,
an oval face and fairly well-built while Kaitlyn was a pretty
medium-height girl with long blond hair and a flushed face. As Rufus
sat next to him, Mike asked: "So you're doing something funny today.
Does Jose have anything to do with it?"
"You'll find out soon, Mike." Rufus mysteriously replied, a smile playing on his small mouth.
"Here the little bastard comes now." Mike muttered quietly on another
bus stop. An elderly man walked inside the bus, followed by another
student.

 

[Trollercoaster]

This boy had short jet-black hair and a tanned oval face. Dressed in a
leather coat and dress pants, he looked a thousand times more formal
than Rufus Stanley. Like Rufus, the girls found him attractive, or at
least would have if Rufus Stanley hadn't consistently outshone him.
This was Jose Michaels.
"Sup, faggots." he greeted the company, settling himself in the seat directly behind Rufus.
"Which one of your imaginary friends are you trying to impress this
time, Jose?" Rufus replied.
Ignoring the rhetorical question, Jose started musing with a dreamy
expression upon his face.
"Rufus Stanley." he started. "For years you have outshone me. Yet as I
sit here, I get the feeling that this year will turn the tables on my
side at last."
"You can dream all you want, but that will onlx make an already-menial
victory less than effortless."
was Rufus' confident reply.
"Is that what you think, Rufus? Well then, my response is the same as yours."
Rufus rolled his eyes as the bus stopped once again. This time, the
only two passangers were students, both of whom Rufus knew quite well.
The dark-haired bespectacled short boy was Richard Burton, a nerd if
Rufus ever set his eyes on one. The medium-height dark-haired girl
with him was Natalie Buckeye, a pretty yet studious girl.
"Have you been exchanging studying tips for the use of a city bus Dick?" Rufus asked.
"Do NOT call me Dick. And in fact she's my girlfriend." Richard
replied in an offended tone.
"What's wrong with Dick? Does it have anything to do with you not
having one? Beats me how you got a girlfriend." Rufus replied
casually.
"You can me insult me all you want, Rufus Stanley, but I don't care,
because I'm having a successful college year and joining the Council
of Bronx." Richard proudly stated.
"Council of Bronx? What the fuck is this shit?"
"It's NOT shit. It's an unofficial yet prestigious group that has existed on campus since the 19th century. It is also recognized by the board of education. It's for people who care about getting one."
"Well, you can go join your gayass club while I do something worthwhile with my life" as Rufus replied the bus stopped just outside campus.
The small group of students riding the bus got off, and calmly walked to their final destination, not realizing the adventure they were getting themselves into. And it all started with a tiny prank.

 

[HK]

Before I put down a proper response - are you looking for a critique, suggestions, or someone to pat your head and assure you it's good?

I know people can get very sensitive about this sort of thing. So if you're happy to hear an opinion then great, but if not then just say so

 

[Trollercoaster]

I'm happy to hear critique/suggestions on how to improve. This is a work in progress after all. And of course I prefer real opinions.

 

[KimmyCharmeleon]

This year, Rufus Stanley was starting college. He was a very intelligent student, but also quite troublesome and lazy. He was also extremely inquisitive and adventurous, and the mundane classroom with its teacher discussing the Boston Tea Party or the Secession of the South in the most predictable manner possible. As a result, he got a B- in all his classes, except Calculus, which he got an A- on due to his repeated failures to achieve competency on the homework section of the class, and programming, which he easily 100%ed with plenty of spare time left to browse 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica, using his superior 1337_h4x0r skills to get past the school blocks.

Also: remove this word lol.

To make your writing tighter, I would start off like:
Rufus Stanley was beginning college at [such and such place]. He was a very intelligent student, extremely inquisitive and adventurous, but troublesome and lazy.

I have no idea what the part about the mundane classroom is supposed to do, doesn't make sense...

I would write B minus instead of B-, same as for the others.
I would not write 100%ed, I would say something like 'aced' or 'scored full marks'.

Remove As a result.
The whole italicised section is too long-winded and very hard to follow.
Try and separate his college marks from what he does in his spare time.

 

[HK]

Okay dokey

For a start, I agree with everything Kimmy has said. This sentence:

He was also extremely inquisitive and adventurous, and the mundane classroom with its teacher discussing the Boston Tea Party or the Secession of the South in the most predictable manner possible.

As she said, makes no sense. Always read back what you've written slowly, otherwise things like this will slip by you.

Your tenses seem to move all over the place:

This year, Rufus Stanley was starting college.

His high school history involves pretending to be ill

Again, another thing that should be obvious to you if you read back over what you've written.

Pop culture references. You mention 4chan at least twice, and use other references to websites or 'skills' that your character has that won't necessarily mean anything to your audience. Making allusions to very specific sites and things that are completely familiar to you, might alienate people who have no freakin idea what a 4chan is (I do, but I know plenty of people who don't!). Stuff like mentioning facebook, you can probably get away with, though I wouldn't bother typing the address - you could just put 'facebook' and I think people will get it, but again only because facebook has global recognition through all age groups and social statuses.

Your character sounds like wishful thinking, as in 'I'm going to write a book about the kind of guy I'd like to be, or perhaps deep down secretly think I am!' That might not be what you were thinking, but that's what it sounds like - here's this guy who's very very popular, extremely skilled on the internet, plays pranks on people but is revered for it rather than looked down on as a bit of a child, and, here's the most unbelievable bit for me, despite spending all his time practicing his leet skills and by his own admission never doing a minute of exercise:

Speaking of his appearance, he was also quite tall for his age, tanned, and quite strong naturally, but too lazy to ever work out in a gym or any other athletic center.

Somehow, this guy who at the start sounds like the sort of guy who spends a lot of time indoors on his computer, is tanned and naturally strong. Now that's just not realistic. If you want him to be tanned, add in something about him often taking his laptop outside so he could laugh at others while hacking into nasa or something. As for the being strong part - I think you either need to not make him lazy, or not make him naturally buff. We all know what guys who spend all day indoors peering at a screen look like, and it's not Brad Pitt. He can be good looking sure, but I wouldn't go making out that he's somehow acquired muscle tone without a second of exercise beyond moving his mouse.

The prank that he's going to play - worms in a backpack? I don't know how old you are personally, but for a kid who's just about to go to college, that seems childish. And not really that humiliating for the person who gets pranked (a mexican guy called Jose - hello stereotype); it seems more likely to get your hero in trouble thank make people look up up to him. I don't think it's believable for his age group, so I'd try and think of something more mature if I were you.

Which brings me onto the next part - your main character isn't very likeable. I've only read two pages about this Rufus, and he comes across as a bit of a douche. If you're going to play pranks and spend all your time on 4chan, you need a lot of charm to make people like you. Rufus doesn't seem to have any. Hell, his worst enemy comes across as a guy with more ambition and goals. And like I said before, he's a little too awesome, in a 'this is who I wish I was' sort of way. Characters are allowed to have flaws, it makes them human and easier to relate to. Try making him more human, and less complete dick.

Lastly, the language your characters use. I've never heard a 17 year old talk this:

"Judging by today's fashion, I'm sure my reception will be good enough."

"Rufus Stanley." he started. "For years you have outshone me. Yet as I sit here, I get the feeling that this year will turn the tables on my side at last."

"It's NOT shit. It's an unofficial yet prestigious group that has existed on campus since the 19th century. It is also recognized by the board of education. It's for people who care about getting one."

Seriously, teenagers don't talk like that in real life. Is this how you and your friends talk? I can't imagine it. Try aiming for something more natural, listen to conversations people this age have when you're out and about. What people say out loud tends to be different from what they might write down, not always, but what you've put sounds like something you write, not something you'd say.

I hope some of this was helpful, good luck finishing it!

 

[Trollercoaster]

Yeah, I didn't put too much time into the intro but now I'll probably edit it a bit so Rufus isn't as much of a dick//b/tard. As for the worms prank, well those critters can ruin quite a bit of paperwork. Of course Rufus won't be a magnificent bastard throughout the story but I'll introduce him as such

 

[Trollercoaster]

BTW here's the chapter list just so you know what to expect
1. So It Begins...
2. A Social Pyramid
3. Jose Michaels
4. The Tables are Turned
5. The Council of Bronx
6. The Rise of a Wannabe
7. Sidekicks and Servants
8. The Review
9. For Teh Lulz
10. Quality vs Quantity
11. Desperate Measures
12. Richard's Mission
13. Help Arrives
14. The Lake of Blood
15. Caught in the Act
16. Anthropomorphirm
17. Revenge of the Nerd
18. The Powers of Persuasion
19. The Hunt
20. Flashback
21. A Narrow Escape
22. The Dogs Gone
23. Of Nights and Trees
24. Richard the Scavenger
25. Risky Terms
26. Rufus and the Council
27. Assembly of the Dark Hawk
28. Raid
29. Connections of a Basement Dweller
30. Into the Lake
31. Ambush
32. The Beginning of a Battle
33. The Taste of Defeat
34. The Council's Decision
35. Night of the Sharks
36. One on One
37. Jose the Coward
38. Ford vs Chevy
39. Tower Defense
40. The Aftermath

 

[Trollercoaster]

I fixed it a bit to make him seem like less of a dick, however it's a minor fix.
Chapter 1: So It Begins​

This year, Rufus Stanley was starting college. He was a very intelligent student, but also quite troublesome and lazy. He was also extremely inquisitive and adventurous, and the mundane classroom with its teacher discussing the Boston Tea Party or the Secession of the South in the most predictable manner possible simply wasn't for him. As a result, he got a B- in all his classes, except Calculus, which he got an A- on due to his repeated failures to achieve competency on the homework section of the class, and programming, which he easily 100%ed with plenty of spare time left to browse 4chan and Encyclopedia Dramatica, using his superior 1337_h4x0r skills to get past the school blocks (FYI they are pretty much troll sites). Apart from this lazy behaviour, he also possessed a tremendous addiction to pranks in any shape or form. His high school history involved pretending to be ill to pull a few pranks in the world outside, writing the sort of words generally seen as offensive and disgusting on papers from the teachers’ desks, and once even trolling the principal, although his trolling was more amusing than offensive.

As for your other criticisms, I'll try to justify my use of what I posted:
No, Rufus Stanley isn't a "perfect" character. He's a character who's supposed to be extremely intelligent and popular at the same time, but later he'll go through quite a few hardships. Oh and he does play sports, he just doesn't work out. And it certainly isn't wishful thinking.
No, just because he's a hacker and /b/tard doesn't mean he spends all his time on the computer. I have a couple of friends who browse 4chan all the time (and one knows how to hack) and they are quite athletic and "normal". They're both lazy. I only introduced him right now.
Yes, worms in a backpack might seem a bit childish and I thought about it, but I have already posted one effect of it. And it isn't the worst I've seen. I am in high school and one of my friends who always pranks everyone (the same guy who goes on 4chan and knows how to hack) once wore a diaper to school for lulz and then someone made a facebook group about him being god and amazing. So yeah, there's really no age limit for lulz.
No, Rufus isn't a complete douche. Jose WILL be quite a douche later on, but Rufus isn't really that bad.
Oh, and regarding the language, I HAVE heard much younger people at my school talk like that occasionally. Also some of it was done for a reason (ie Jose used this sort of language with his mom just to get her to stop annoying him).