I need opinions pleassseee

[MMMMatilde]

Okayyy, so I have this thing I have to hand in to a REALLY stubborn teacher.. It's a short story based from this picture, in my book, with this picture, it is black and white, but it shouldn't matter to much. I just wanted you guys to read it and tell me your honest opinion on it.. My Mum gave me hers, but she is my Mum and loves me so you know, I need more proof that it is okay.

Anyways, here it goes.

As he stood alone, Marty thought of what used to be. The buildings were the of it. They started building them many years ago. The gray dull buildings were what stopped the big green eucalyptus trees from growing in their natural land. When the trees were there, the birds would soar through the sky, all the animals would roam free, without a care in the world, it was messy but beautiful.
He looked around, all the light posts were symmetrical, the roads were long and winding. It was so structured, it was polluted, it was dirty. Not what it used to be. He turned to walk away, the dark tunnel ahead. Marty was a poor worker in a mindless money making city, The dark tunnel was no different to what the place was turning in to. What could one man do?

 

[MMMMatilde]

anyone?

In need of help, before I hand it in would be goood.

 

[MMMMatilde]

Anyone online at all?

Quiiiiccckkk..

 

[Sparkey Duck]

Here's my thoughts. As I always point out, a critique is neutral and just one persons perspective.

you might not want to give his a name 'He stood alone' Much more impact.

"The buildings were the of it" - Doesn't make sense.

"The gray dull buildings were what stopped the big green eucalyptus trees from growing in their natural land" - Is a bit bitty, doesn't flow too well. Could be written something like, 'The buildings grey and cold, lurched over the skyline, strangling the light and stopping the Eucalyptus trees growing on their natural land.'

'the birds would' - you don't need the word 'the'

'Messy but beautiful' - rather say a beautiful mess - improved flow and increased imagery.

'roads were long and winding' - You can get rid of 'were'

'He turned to walk away, the dark tunnel ahead' - Doesn't make sense.

'The dark tunnel was no different to what the place was turning in to. What could one man do?' - you could instead really push the boat out. Saying along the lines of 'the dreary darkness infested everywhere in the city, the places he had been, the places he was yet to go, but was always and forever there.'

 

[MMMMatilde]

Here's my thoughts. As I always point out, a critique is neutral and just one persons perspective.

you might not want to give his a name 'He stood alone' Much more impact.

"The buildings were the of it" - Doesn't make sense.

"The gray dull buildings were what stopped the big green eucalyptus trees from growing in their natural land" - Is a bit bitty, doesn't flow too well. Could be written something like, 'The buildings grey and cold, lurched over the skyline, strangling the light and stopping the Eucalyptus trees growing on their natural land.'

'the birds would' - you don't need the word 'the'

'Messy but beautiful' - rather say a beautiful mess - improved flow and increased imagery.

'roads were long and winding' - You can get rid of 'were'

'He turned to walk away, the dark tunnel ahead' - Doesn't make sense.

'The dark tunnel was no different to what the place was turning in to. What could one man do?' - you could instead really push the boat out. Saying along the lines of 'the dreary darkness infested everywhere in the city, the places he had been, the places he was yet to go, but was always and forever there.'

You know, I think I love you lol..



I really do..

MM4SD ♥


Sorry David..

 

[debbie t]

what the duck said...

but i especially like your short sentences ,a bit like steinbeck's style

 

[Peter Parka]

Agree with the duck too. Also how many words is this supposed to be? You said a short story but this seems VERY short to me! Other than that, pretty good, I'd say.:nod:

 

[COOL_BREEZE2]

The duck is smart. I'd go with what he said.

 

[Bellicose23]

Okayyy, so I have this thing I have to hand in to a REALLY stubborn teacher.. It's a short story based from this picture, in my book, with this picture, it is black and white, but it shouldn't matter to much. I just wanted you guys to read it and tell me your honest opinion on it.. My Mum gave me hers, but she is my Mum and loves me so you know, I need more proof that it is okay.

Anyways, here it goes.

As he stood alone, Marty thought of what used to be. The buildings were the of it. They started building them many years ago. The gray dull buildings were what stopped the big green eucalyptus trees from growing in their natural land. When the trees were there, the birds would soar through the sky, all the animals would roam free, without a care in the world, it was messy but beautiful.
He looked around, all the light posts were symmetrical, the roads were long and winding. It was so structured, it was polluted, it was dirty. Not what it used to be. He turned to walk away, the dark tunnel ahead. Marty was a poor worker in a mindless money making city, The dark tunnel was no different to what the place was turning in to. What could one man do?

Its pretty good i think. One suggestion you could elaborate on it becaause its kinda dull. And what i mean is you jump from one description to another,but all and all its good.

 

[MMMMatilde]

Agree with the duck too. Also how many words is this supposed to be? You said a short story but this seems VERY short to me! Other than that, pretty good, I'd say.:nod:

Luckily it doesn't have to be that long at all!!


I added in [[with a bit of variation]] what Sparkey said, so yeah, it looks and reads a LOT better..


I'm not so great at writing stories, songs i am fine, but it's kinda different with stories..

:|

 

[Sparkey Duck]

I'm not so great at writing stories, songs i am fine, but it's kinda different with stories..

:|

What you should do is write a story as you would a song. Using vivid imagery and meaningful words. It's what I do. Next time you write one try it, as long as it doesn't rhyme

 

[Sparkey Duck]

Its pretty good i think. One suggestion you could elaborate on it becaause its kinda dull. And what i mean is you jump from one description to another,but all and all its good.

If it jumps from one thing to another, how could it be dull?

 

[MMMMatilde]

What you should do is write a story as you would a song. Using vivid imagery and meaningful words. It's what I do. Next time you write one try it, as long as it doesn't rhyme

maybe that could be my style lol

 

[skyblue]

ok...my opinion tildy.......what the duck said was good advice.......but i'd like to see it elaborated on......say for instance twice as long and going into a little more detail

 

[bong_express]

Here's my thoughts. As I always point out, a critique is neutral and just one persons perspective.

you might not want to give his a name 'He stood alone' Much more impact.

"The buildings were the of it" - Doesn't make sense.

"The gray dull buildings were what stopped the big green eucalyptus trees from growing in their natural land" - Is a bit bitty, doesn't flow too well. Could be written something like, 'The buildings grey and cold, lurched over the skyline, strangling the light and stopping the Eucalyptus trees growing on their natural land.'

'the birds would' - you don't need the word 'the'

'Messy but beautiful' - rather say a beautiful mess - improved flow and increased imagery.

'roads were long and winding' - You can get rid of 'were'

'He turned to walk away, the dark tunnel ahead' - Doesn't make sense.

'The dark tunnel was no different to what the place was turning in to. What could one man do?' - you could instead really push the boat out. Saying along the lines of 'the dreary darkness infested everywhere in the city, the places he had been, the places he was yet to go, but was always and forever there.'

the story sounds wonderful but i would go with sparky's suggestions.

you have a beautiful way with words sparky