I just don't get it.

[trope]

Okay, even though most of you will know who I am talking about, I don't even care. I just really need some more input to make sure this isn't just me being crazy.

When a boy has been abused by his mother all his life, why the fuck would he continue to see her, even though he knows he'll just end up getting hurt again? I understand that she is still his mother, but that only goes so far.

I just never, never want to see him standing like that again. I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to see him with his hand on his face, his cheek flaming red or his lip bleeding, or holding his stomach.

I feel like a terrible person, too. I got fed up with it today. I didn't actually see it happen, but when I came into the kitchen he was standing there with his palm pressed against his face, and he just looked at me and I just walked away.

I am so fed up. He's asking for it, I don't want to deal with it anymore. He asks to see his father, and ends up seeing his mom. And she'll hit him. I don't know why he can't have the foresight to realize that this is exactly what will end up happening. It happens every time. The last time she left a fucking bruise! Shouldn't he be smart enough to realize that she has and will do worse?

I'm not mad at him. Just hopelessly frustrated. I don't care what their relationship is, if she's going to physically, mentally, emotionally harm him every time they come into contact, I think the amount of contact they have needs to be severely cut down. He knows she'll do it, too. I just don't get why he'd continue to subject himself to it.

He won't be mad at me for posting this, so don't worry about it if someone says his name.

 

[Tim]

You can't break the cycle of abuse without either A. wanting it or B. getting outside help. People in abusive relationships will almost always go right back to an abusive relationship if their present one is terminated. If you have never been in an abusive relationship, then the likelyhood of you understanding the need for them to continue in it, or be dominated by it will be hard for you to understand. Why not start with a good book that will help you guys realize what it is, why it happens and why it's allowed to continue? Before you can answer these questions, you will find it hard to stop it. A very close friend had a similar situation, she wasn't able to understand it or get out of its control until she seeked help from a good psychologist and a life changing book that helped her through it. She was also a parent of an imigrant, that had a lot to do with it in her case. Sometimes they can bring with them habits learned by their parents, making it seem that it is ok to act in this way.

 

[Peter Parka]

I fully sympathise with you even though I don't know who you're talking about. If this boy is under a certain age though I would urge you to get in touch with Social Services or whatever it's called in the US!

 

[trope]

I fully sympathise with you even though I don't know who you're talking about. If this boy is under a certain age though I would urge you to get in touch with Social Services or whatever it's called in the US!

We live in Canada, and he's 23. He's also been out of that house since he was eighteen, so it isn't as though he can't get away. He goes voluntarily, mostly to see his father, which I'm fine with, as his father is a great man who is in a very bad situation. But his parents are still married, so when he sees his father, he inevitably sees his mother too.

 

[Peter Parka]

Oh, well then social services wouldn't be any good, I didn't know who you were talking about. I haven't really got any other useful advice to offer, just hang in there and I hope he gets through this and gets it sorted for the best.

 

[SilentEyz]

Well, He may not be mad at you For posting it.. But he might take offence to some of our answers. and this is kind of hard to answer, knowing who you are talking about and knowing that he will read it.

So, no offence meant here, but this is how If I didnt know all the people involved I would see it.

Yes, He should know that nothing is going to change and just because it is his mother does not mean he has to tolerate it...but

there is more then just a family connection here, There is an abusive connection also, and that can have a bigger hold then family, It is hard to walk away from someone who has controlled you your entire life, It is hard to say your wrong and Im not going to put up with it anymore? and it is even more difficult when that someone is a parent, guardian, lover?

It's rather difficult to explain really, But, when you are taught and forced to believe something your whole life, Even when you know that it is wrong, There is that little ( no matter how small) part of you, That always thinks but What If,

There is the guilt, That if you just walk away and not look back, and something bad were to happen, That somehow you might be to blame, That you should have never turned your back, had you been there maybe it would not have happened.

And then there is the big Guilt... That thier behavior is somehow your fault, That If you were this or that, Then they wouldn't be the way you are, And Yes with this Guilt you can live your life, the way you know is right for you, But its hard to walk away from the person, Because you feel you owe them, Because, you blame yourself for their behavior.

And Of course those are the long and deep versions, in a general view.

Sometimes it is as simple as Feeling as though you owe them. In this case, Its a mother, and its hard not to feel like you owe your mother, Its hard to walk away and not feel that you are doing even more wrong by doing so then what you are already punished for. Its hard not to look at your mother, and think, Its not her fault, she can't help who she is, So therefore you stay, and you forgive.

As for your point of it, I can see how it would be very Frustrating to know this happens, and to know he will keep putting himself in this position and that nothing you say or do will change that, I think the best really, Is To accept that until He finds the strength to stop it, or the need, whichever, this is always a part of who he will be, nothing you say or do is going to change whatever feelings are buried inside him that drives his need to do right, even though his choices may not be right.

 

[Kat]

I understand completly what you are saying matt... I know it is so hard for you to sit back and watch le go thru this over and over again. I also know from personal experience (with ex bf's) that it is hard to stop putting yourself in those situations...i can imagine even harder for him because its his mother...there is always that bond there no matter what the circumstances. And I know this is an impossible situation to deal with too. I'd want to kill her if i was in your place...(actually i do want to just cause i've heard the stories...maybe not all but I've heard and I know and love le too) All you can do is be there to support him though...as hard as it is...and keep showing him over and over that its not his fault... Hopefully someday very soon this cruel cycle will end. All I can say is le is so lucky to have you there...mad or not about this whole deal... he knows real love also cause of you.

 

[Veronica]

Has he ever stood his ground? When she smacks him, does he ever hit back? Does she do this to his sisters or is it just him? If its just him, she probably feels she can get away with it until HE does something back. He needs to probably press assault charges on her. Domestic abuse in the home is very bad. Its hard pressing charges on his mother, but it would be the BEST way for her to get help.

 

[SilentEyz]

I Remember when I first Read the Sample Le wrote from his book, It was a section based on an experiance with his mother.

I know when I first heard Le talk about still having a relationship with his mother, I thought about that story, and I was honestly appalled and amazed that he could or would still choose to even acknowledge that woman as his mother.

But when He explains Why.. It makes an odd sense, hard still to understand knowing things, But also understandable knowing things.

"sometimes The one thing you love about them, Is also the one thing you hate about them, Its just in how that thing is presented"

 

[andcuriouser]

Wow, I hardly realized this many replies were here.

I feel kind of stupid about the whole thing. I can't even explain it, though.

I appreciate it that you all care. Especially Matt; I think I really needed you to yell at me to really understand where you're coming from.

 

[alleycat]

I say have his dad come see him at your guys' place and let the mom stay at home. What a sad situation. Le is such a sweetheart. No one on this earth deserves this, especially him.

 

[Haus]

i never had to go through abuse in my imediate family. but i've had to see it happen with a close freind of mine but she was in a relationship with the guy. it was very hard to go through on my part. but one day was just enough for me. i saw him hit her and i ran up to him and said if you EVER hit her again i will beat you to a inch of your life. im not saying you should go run up and beat his mom to a inch of her life if she hits him but just be there for him.

 

[majikstranger]

its a simple matter of sel esteem and needing closure from the person who took it

 

[PrincessJettMicheyl]

I highly doubt it has anything to do with his self esteem.