1. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
12. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
14. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
15. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!
16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
16. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died
18. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
19. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
20. Bad decisions make good stories
21. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
27. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
28. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
29. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
30. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
31. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
32. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
33. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
34. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning theTail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
35. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
12. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
13. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
14. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
15. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!
16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
16. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
17. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died
18. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
19. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
20. Bad decisions make good stories
21. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
27. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
28. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
29. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
30. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
31. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
32. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
33. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
34. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning theTail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
35. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
