What do you think so far ?

[Shekii]

Hey guys,

I have to make this massive story for school which counts of a % of my final grade.

This is what I've done so far.

Things never change
Things never change.
I sadly strolled down the old grim path, hoping for the everlasting touch. My blood craved for the most valuable thing to life, happiness...

A dark figure appeared in the never ending distance. I vastly came to a sharp stand still. Who was this man? What did he want? He gently strolled towards me wary that I was gazing upon him. The man’s, golden brown eyes illuminated in the murkiness. His pale white face glittered in the glazing sun like diamonds along with his deeply depressed facial expressions. His unusual clothing stared at me as it was ready to pounce; the clothing was like it was from another time.

Moments later the peculiar man viciously stomped towards me consequently I calmly descended backwards. I sprinted as fast as I could, deeply hoping for assistance. Suddenly the man blurred and vastly flashed next to me out of nowhere. I quickly discontinued as a consequence he stopped also with a mysterious smirk. The man’s hands were as cold icicles, I could feel the cutting coldness metres away.

The creepy and eccentric man passed his hand out with great force. “I know who you are and I think I know what I am, Join me and have the chance of a lifetime” barked the man. I vigorously thought to myself what could he be, he couldn't be human? The strangest part of the situation was why would a random stranger pop this sort of question? The man passed me long red slip contenting information. All at once the man disappeared in a flash.

What do you think?

 

[HK]

Define massive.

So, my thoughts are as follows:

It might just be me, but I often think of a stroll as a carefree activity. So a sad stroll sounds like an oxymoron.

What is this everlasting touch? Is the reader supposed to know what that is?

You don't crave for something, you just crave it. You can lose the 'for' in that sentence.

You can't 'vastly' some to a standstill - something that is vast is something that is huge or large.

The phrase 'gently strolled' seems out of place since this man is apparently wary.

The sentence would make more sense as 'The man's golden brown eyes were illuminated in the murky light' or similar.

I think you mean blazing, not glazing - a glaze is either a sort of varnish or someone looking blank.

Clothing doesn't pounce, nor stare. Unless you literally mean that his clothing was alive.



Okay, I was going to go through the rest but I'll be taking apart every sentence. What's your objective here? Were you given a subject or a goal, or just told to write something? You're using words in completely the wrong context - I can go through and point these things out for you but I'm starting to feel a little bad for saying so much already. You've got some great imagery, but your language is dragging it down.