What can you do when you dislike your kids girl/boyfriend?

[Mockingbird]

I thought I liked my child's girlfriend, they have been dating for many years, but recently she started to do things that made me question her as a person. I guess I had always had the thought that I would hope my children's choices for spouses would be people that had good qualities. In the worst case scenario they would be the ones that would carry on the family line if he should die.

This girl has started to get very greedy about things, yet lacks any sort of ambition to do the work necessary to get the better things in life, she acts entitled. I have had just about enough of that and told my son not to bring her to my house anymore, the only one entitled here is me, I am the one that worked for my life. I know ultimately he chooses who he wants to be with, but I hope he see's she might be a poor candidate for a wife. If I try to show him the shortcomings in this girl, I am the bad guy, so whats a mother to do?

 

[Mika]

I feel like part of the problem is that women tend to judge other women too harshly. Everyone has faults, everyone has bad parts to their personality, but no one wants to admit that they have them. You say the girl gets greedy yet lacks ambition. All humans want things without having to work for them. But do you know her well enough to say she's not really trying? Perhaps she's going through a rough time and just venting. They've been together for years. She's likely to be closer to you now than in the past so she will be more open to you than before. But if she was really acting entitled, you would have seen it a lot sooner. Those kind of personalities are hard to hide. She will still have faults, just as everyone else does. And it's understandable that you don't want to deal with it anymore, I mean she's not your child, and you want what's best for your child. I'm sure you've dated a few people that your parents weren't happy about either. It's part of growing up. However, I think a good calm discussion with her could help.

Personally, I wouldn't suggest showing him her shortcomings. You're far more likely to push him away than to show him the "truth". If she's really such a bad person, he'll get sick of her and throw her away himself. Or perhaps he will like the rest of her personality enough to ignore her shortcomings. However, if you spend your time harping about her, he's unlikely to come back if they do break up.

 

[The Man]

Its tough as you can make the child hate you for intervening...puppy love can be very strong.
I hate to say it but by the time they are old enough to date there is very little one can do..as the values etc for who they chose have already been taught...if not by the parents then by peers.

 

[Mockingbird]

Yes I kind of agree the values have been taught, and I do think that in the beginning of dating when people are on their best behavior they tend to be somewhat more reserved and careful about the way that people view them. It is true that everyone has faults and I know I for one have many. I also have standards and very much feel as both as an adult and a parent I need to be a good role model when it comes to standards. That includes acceptable behavior.

This is what happened last Sunday, my son and I decided to go out for breakfast, very quickly his one guy friend joined and my son said "oh and my girlfriends coming.' Everything was okay and we were eating and the conversation turned very nasty all of a sudden about my taste in music. They just went on and on about how terrible my choice of music was and that I should be ashamed to listen to it because it was so bad and why did I want to identify with this type of music. (Hipster music- I like it.. sue me) anyway I say casually after about 15 minutes of this bad mouthing "maybe your girlfriends a hipster too." This girl promptly picks up a bottle of ketchup and ruins my meal by squirting this stuff all over it. Now I ask you is that normal? I didn't say a thing but truth be told I was furious and wanted to punch her. I left it be for over a day because I was that angry and wanted a chance to cool down. After a full day of introspection on the event and what my issue was I told my son she was no longer welcome to come with us or in my home. Her actions were very embarrassing and disrespectful towards me as an adult and as his mother.

In all the years i have spent with anyone, my friends, my sons friends, dates anyone I never would have done that to anyone and I have never even known of anyone who would do that to someone else. To me it was incredibly aggressive especially from a girl. I might have expected it more from one of the boys but that would make it no more acceptable. I question now her level of maturity and wonder what type of up bringing would make someone even think that was okay in a public restaurant or anywhere. I noticed the last few months she has been acting like the world should be about her and that whatever she wants is all that matters. Yet there is zero effort in obtaining an of these desires on her own.

Do you think I should say something to her parents about this incident?

 

[Rhodolite]

You're the adult, you really shouldn't have risen to the bait. What you should have said was that different people are entitled to like different things rather than drag your son's girlfriend into it.

The thing about youth is that the more you push your feelings and thoughts onto them, the more they're going to rebel just to spite you. As hard as it sounds, there are some lessons that have to be learned the hard way. In this case in point- your son will have to come to the realization himself that the girl isn't good for him. Nobody else can force it on him.

Sure, what the girlfriend did was rude and horrible, but honestly you did provoke the situation by dragging her into your conversation with your son. I also think at this point that she can feel your disapproval of her and it made her act that way towards you. Kids aren't as oblivious as people tend to think, they know when people are hostile or negative towards them, which in turn makes them just as hostile back.

I've been somewhat in the girlfriend's situation before, where the parents of the ex-boyfriends I used to date hated me because I wasn't white or saw only a temporary side of me. They didn't say it to my face, but I could feel the hostility oozing from them and it in turn made me hate the parents back. I would never do what that girl did but the resentment was and still is there.

It didn't matter that I had supported one of the ex-boyfriends back in X-state on my wages alone working 2 full time jobs a week and that when I moved to Y-state during the economic crash, that I took care of the household and volunteered in hospitals when I couldn't land a job for a while in the small town we ended up in. Yeah, they probably thought I was a slacker, that I was entitled, ect- just like you think that she is because all you saw was the outside. They never saw the part of me that nearly worked myself to death to support their deadbeat son, who I helped build up his resume so that he could work a comfortable job as IT in a hospital.

Maybe the girl is completely different than myself and she really is spoiled and greedy, but the matter of the fact is- you're still the adult. You're still the one who has lived life longer and should have known better than to let your temper get the better of you to have verbally stated your resentment.

I know you want what's best for your son, but it's one of those things that he needs to figure out himself. He may see her how you see her and come to the realization that she's not what's best for him. Or she may show a better side of herself to you. Who knows. You can't assume everything about a person without knowing them and if you're not willing to go on a limb to try and know them, then you really shouldn't interfere with your son's relationship like that save to let him know that pregnancy isn't something to be taken lightly. (A whole other can of worms...)

 

[The Man]

This is what happened last Sunday, my son and I decided to go out for breakfast, very quickly his one guy friend joined and my son said "oh and my girlfriends coming.' Everything was okay and we were eating and the conversation turned very nasty all of a sudden about my taste in music. They just went on and on about how terrible my choice of music was and that I should be ashamed to listen to it because it was so bad and why did I want to identify with this type of music. (Hipster music- I like it.. sue me) anyway I say casually after about 15 minutes of this bad mouthing "maybe your girlfriends a hipster too." This girl promptly picks up a bottle of ketchup and ruins my meal by squirting this stuff all over it. Now I ask you is that normal? I didn't say a thing but truth be told I was furious and wanted to punch her. I left it be for over a day because I was that angry and wanted a chance to cool down. After a full day of introspection on the event and what my issue was I told my son she was no longer welcome to come with us or in my home. Her actions were very embarrassing and disrespectful towards me as an adult and as his mother.



Do you think I should say something to her parents about this incident?

She is a little bitch..you don't have to like her..I wouldn't either..the ketchup deal would have been a good time to simply say...well got to go and ignore them all on the way back...it sounds like you did the right thing
30 years ago we could have slapped the bitch..her parents would have thanked us then beat her ass.
As far as telling on her..just let it go..when the relationship fails you dont want to have caused any grief prior to the failure.

 

[Mockingbird]

As far as telling on her..just let it go..when the relationship fails you dont want to have caused any grief prior to the failure.

Well I think banning her from my home probably already set in motion the failure that I am sure is down the road. I have no doubt her family knows what she is all about, as they say the apples don't fall far from the tree.

My thought as far as my son was concerned was simply- If she would do this to your mother what would she do to your children? What about him? I can see visions of this chick breaking things and destroying things when she don't get her way. Maybe someday she gets tired of him and instead of ketchup it's something else, like Drano in his coffee. Sadly we live in a time when living together and divorce is a lifestyle, someone that goes off half cocked like that is sure to be a thorn in the side down the road. I just felt like this was one of the times when something like that should not just be shrugged off. It might be a jailhouse mentality but damn if I would be the one to get shanked.

 

[David S]

I'll try my best to do what the person is interested in. If they don't like it then I ignore them. This has never happened to me though.

 

[Natasha]

Honestly, it doesn't matter what you say b/c he's not going to see it until he's ready to. We tried and tried w/ my younger brother and he insisted that he knew her better than we did. One nasty divorce later, he finally sees it.

 

[The Man]

Well I think banning her from my home probably already set in motion the failure that I am sure is down the road. I have no doubt her family knows what she is all about, as they say the apples don't fall far from the tree.

My thought as far as my son was concerned was simply- If she would do this to your mother what would she do to your children? What about him? I can see visions of this chick breaking things and destroying things when she don't get her way. Maybe someday she gets tired of him and instead of ketchup it's something else, like Drano in his coffee. Sadly we live in a time when living together and divorce is a lifestyle, someone that goes off half cocked like that is sure to be a thorn in the side down the road. I just felt like this was one of the times when something like that should not just be shrugged off. It might be a jailhouse mentality but damn if I would be the one to get shanked.

If someone had done that to my Mom I would have went off...I hate to say it and please dont take it personally..but my concern would be why my child let his girl friend treat his mother like that..In other words if it wasnt ok with him then the problem would be solved as he would have dumped her ass right then.

 

[xTinx]

Give it some time before you drop the axe. There are so many details left out of your narrative that it's hard to actually provide a sound opinion. For one thing, how long have you known this person? If you've known her for a year or two, and have unfailingly observed her throughout such time, then perhaps you might be right in drawing your conclusion. How old is the girl? If she's in her teens, it's understandable. If she's in her 20s, I would say it's still too early to conclude.

 

[Muthoni]

The only thing that you can do is support your son because she is the one he loves. Matters of the heart are complicated and you will continue being the bad guy if you keep pointing out her mistakes to him. I think that it is okay to associate with her only when it is convenient for you. Try to be civil for the sake of your son. He could stop visiting as often if he cannot bring her along.

 

[Lushlala]

I agree with Rhodolite, you're the adult in all of this and you shouldn't have risen to her bait! They were clearly winding you up, that's what kids do. Now you've shown your cards and next time she'll know what buttons to press. Returning fire with fire is not quite the answer here, because like the others have stated; it doesn't matter how much you hate this girl, until your son's done with her, he's not going to listen to you. If anything, the more you push, the more likely you'll lose your son to this girl.

I know this because my family and I are in a similar situation. My younger brother's engaged to a nasty piece of work, but he's seemingly so far gone that he's prepared to fall out with family members in her defense. They're set to marry this March, and I doubt very much anything we say will change the situation. We fell out spectacularly over this girl and didn't speak for three full months, and my brother and I have always been very close.
I missed him and extended the olive branch first. Although I don't see much of him now, at least we're back on talking terms again and call each other at least once a week. I've made peace with the fact that he's made his choice, now he'll have to learn the hard way. Because I just know things're going to come to a head, and the she devil WILL hang herself.- and when that happens, although I'll be itching to say told you so, I'll be there to pick up the pieces and patch my brother back up

 

[The Man]

In the thread starters defense here...she stated they had been seeing each other for several years. ..thus I can assume they are in the late teens or possibly much older..in other words we are not dealing with 12 year old children..and no way is this the thread starters fault in my opinion.
The actions of the bitch are her own actions..this could be excused if the girl was 10 but I assume she is old enough to have the fuck slapped out of her for ruining her meal with ketchup.
Why in this new day and age is it always someone else's fault for the actions of another?
What bait did the op take?...I dont see it..and if there was what would give the bitch the right to ruin her meal?
Or is the ruining the meal the bait?..So we just let people do to us as we want ?
So if someone ruins my meal and I refuse to socialize with them in the future..I took the bait?

 

[pafjlh]

I understand the frustration of not liking someone that a family member is dating. My sister fell in love with and married a man that my family didn't particularly like. My father's feeling on the subject, she's the one who has to live with him not me. The thing is when we did try to tell her it almost cause a rift between her and the family. My parents finally had to accept that it was her life and her decision to make.

I think you did the right thing though in telling your son where you stand with his girlfriend but realize that in the long run whether he marries her it will be his decision and all you can do is support him on it even if you feel he is making a mistake. Sometimes parents have to let their kids learn for themselves whether the decisions they are making are the right ones or not..

 

[Mockingbird]

Sometimes parents have to let their kids learn for themselves whether the decisions they are making are the right ones or not..

Yup I agree, and I don't mind telling you as a parent it is very hard to watch your kids make dumb mistakes. I hope at the least this was a wake up call to this young woman, but I will not hold my breath on that. I think my son is smart, left in her environment only he will see the true colors eventually.

 

[HELLOnamesdana]

You can't make it too known. I mean yeah you can tell your kid you don't like who they're dating but if you forbid them from seeing them, that's where trouble happens.

 

[Stardom22]

I have never experienced neither have I ever thought about that so really not having any idea about