Take a look at me poem...

[Goat Whisperer]

So I was listening to my favorite song that makes me cry because it reminds me of sad things today and the ending to this poem popped into my head so I made the body up and just finished it a few minutes ago. I wanted to know if you thought it was good or not. Remember I am fourteen and I have only taken the regular core English classes, to don't expect it to be great. I was just wondering what you would rate it 1-10, and any comments would be muchly appreciated

Once you lose a loved one
You experience true pain
You heart will feel empty and barren
Your cheeks never be removed of stain

You have lost the silver lining
The clouds are closing in
All you hear is thunder and lighting
And suddenly everything is dim

Your lost within
And unwilling to be found
Everything has ended and none seems to begin
You can not see nor hear not a sound

You sink inside
And become a mute
You make all affairs denied
And refuse to dispute

That the one that you love
The one that you adore
The one you put above
Is now gone forevermore

 

[AUDRAA]

thread moved to lit I cant pm you so this will have to be your pm

 

[Doveshit]

Great stuff. I was expecting something more piratey from the mistyping in the title (take a look at me poem) of the thread, but it's great stuff.

Seriously, it's nice. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Goat Whisperer]

I don't know how to move it... also I always talk like that in chat

 

[Doveshit]

I was just teasing.

 

[Sparkey Duck]

Right, first off, I have a degree in this sort o' thing so, try bare in mind I'm going to be neutral. For a young persons poem it is good. By young persons I mean, about death and angst and using quite stereotypical imagery and phrases, there are things that could make it much better.

Your spelling is off, in the third line you write 'you heart' this throws off all sense of flow right at the beginning. Speaking of flow and cadence you need to re-do the third stanza, it's too bitty and reads more like you want to go into free-verse as opposed to abab. (You might want to try it in free-verse as it is really the universal standard for poetry in the modern age.((But at least you didn't put it in the middle of the page, hurrah Never do that)) Just read the third and then the forth by themselves and then you will see that the third is forced and out of sync with the rest. The rest of the stanzas are fine and flow well.

You imagery/language is quite passée. I would recommend throwing in some imagery/language that you usually might not associate with feelings of angst, and then make then appear angst ridden. Look at Sylvia Plath, God that stuffs depressing, but it's great because of her use of nonconformist imagery/language.

Lastly and this is the secret of writing good poetry in my opinion and all poets I know (and I know a few) chop it down. For example in the last stanza you don't need to use the word 'that'. Read it without the word 'that' and it flows like Poe. Often 'and' 'that' 'which' and the likes can be gotten rid of to improve flow.

Actually, really lastly, if you even want to get published in modern poetry books, you should really only ever have capitals after a full stop, not at the beginning of each line.

But I quite like it, for a young person writing a poem it is very promising, keep it up, keep playing with words, styles and the likes and you'll go far.

My rating (not <the ducks) 6 o' 10

 

[Goat Whisperer]

Thanks so much for the tips!!!!

 

[Zorak]

Sparkey Duck made some good points that I mostly agree on, he's obviously more learned than me in this field so I wouldn't want to elaborate to much further.

There may come a time when you look back in a few years and just think "Oh my god. Did I write that? I fucking hope not" on a great deal of what you write now, god knows I do.
However, this poem I don't think you will say that.
I have some minor issues with the structure, it doesn't seem to be sure of itself, a poem can be written in any way you want, as long as you are vindictive to that structure. Even if the structure is irregular, or just plain nonsensical- as long as you stick to your guns it can work in my opinion, there is no room for waxing or waning.
But, what makes this poem work is the personality, it's obviously heartfelt, and the continued pronoun usage means it addresses the reader well, which is important.

So all in all, there is room for tightening, but it's a good poem, and you keep on progressing if you keep on reading and writing.
My only advice would be to not rely on English to teach you anything about writing, not yet anyway. Instead read as much poetry as possible, read everything and anything - you don't have to enjoy it all, if you need some recomendations feel free to ask, because it's reading more poetry that will add the most to your literary development.
Good luck.