Point of views needed?

[Kat]

I just talked to my grandmother (my dad's mom) for the first time in about 7 years... not sure if I should continue to call her/ talk to her.... So I was just curious what you all may have to say about it once I give you a little background... just looking for a few opinions ...maybe different points of views...so now the background:


I never lived with my dad...he moved out before I was even born... only met him once when I was 10 years old...and he died when I was 12 (self inflicted death) .... I talked to my grandmother on the phone while growing up but all she ever had to say was stuff like I knew I should have taken you girls (me and my 2 sisters) away from your mom when you were born...she said this just because we would complain to her when we thought mom was being unfair.
As we got older she tried different approches to getting us to love her more... my older sisters she would talk to about her sex life and relationships too...me she would try to buy off...wouldnt call for awhile saying my mom wouldnt let her (which was never true) ...then she'd call outta the blue asking if I got the present she sent me fpr my birthday....saying she wanted to make sure my mom didnt throw it out like she said she was going to.

My mom may not have gotten along with her but she never tried to keep us from my dad or my grandma. Granted she wouldnt let us go out to visit them (in another state) ... but she never kept them from visiting us...she even had my grandmother and aunt stay with us when they came down to see us...

ok so after my grandmother talking about my mom like that all the time...and constantly trying to turn us against her... I finally quit talking to her. I called her today cause of my baby on the way and my aunt (who I talk to in e-mails) asked me to call her since shes getting on in years. She started up with the same stuff saying how she quite calling us (for 7 years) cause my mom wouldnt let her...and cause she didnt want to interfear with our lives... (bullshit!! I say!) ...after hearing stuff like that today I was back on the thought that she was just not someone I wanted in my life.

I dont do well with anyone talking shit about my mother...or critizing how she raised 3 girls (by herself) my mom put her life on hold for us...and still does when we need her. She has always been there for us. I even went as far as to tell my grandmother I didnt want to discuss my mom with her...so she kinda backed off...

I'm still not sure if I want to talk to her though... but right before I got off the phone with her... NOW HERES THE PROBLEM... she started crying telling me that all she had left of my dad was me and my sisters (I know they will not ever talk to her...they despise her for some of the same reasons I do...and for more since they knew her longer) I know if my dad were still here he'd want his mom to know us and our children...but I'm still not sure I want that influence in my life.

What would you do? Based off just what you heard?

Like I said I'm interested to know what others might do...or at least how you see it..

sorry this post is so long

 

[andcuriouser]

Small doses, maybe?

If you aren't comfortable with her, I don't think you should put yourself through it, especially if she seems to be going out of her way almost to be making you uncomfortable.

If it's something you feel is very important... well then, only you can weigh the pros and cons and decide.

 

[Tattva]

well if the only family she has left are you and your sister then you have the upper hand, she is obviously upset about being cut off from the family so in retrospect, all you have to so is explain how you dislike her meddling as you did in this post, simply tell her that you will cease to talk to her if she keeps spouting the same old things.

She would obviously still like your company otherwise she wouldn't have broken down so she will accept your offer, i would say this is the best thing you could do because as you said, she is getting on and during this time it is horrible to be lonely.

so if/when you talk to her again be caring but stern about your point

Hope that helped ^_^

 

[Peter Parka]

You can't choose your relatives unfortunately! If you mean so much to her tell her to stop dissing your mum. If she won't, well, you can't mean that much to her as it's not exactly a difficult or unreasonable thing you're asking of her!

 

[hhayes]

it's hard to say. i finally talked to may dad for a few minutes on the phone a couple weeks ago. i haven't talked to him in i don't know how many years. him nor his parents were ever really in my life. it was never anything bad said about my mom or anything like that. but the way i see things now they are getting old and at these times they would more so try and hold on to what they have left. your grandmother may have brought all that up again as something to let you know she would like to see you and be in your life. maybe knowing that you are pregnant will open her eyes to what is important now and let go of things said in the past. if not, at least you can know that you tried.

 

[Tim]

well if the only family she has left are you and your sister then you have the upper hand, she is obviously upset about being cut off from the family so in retrospect, all you have to so is explain how you dislike her meddling as you did in this post, simply tell her that you will cease to talk to her if she keeps spouting the same old things.

She would obviously still like your company otherwise she wouldn't have broken down so she will accept your offer, i would say this is the best thing you could do because as you said, she is getting on and during this time it is horrible to be lonely.

so if/when you talk to her again be caring but stern about your point

Hope that helped ^_^

Bravo... You saved me from typing in the exact same post.

You are an adult now. Don't put up with her crap, let her know that you want her to be apart of her life but you will not tolerate the bullshit. Be very nice, but firm. Instead of walking away from her. Make her decide to walk away, or better yet, stay and be part of your life on you terms. This is the great thing about being an adult. You now have choices.

 

[Dodge_Sniper]

I'd say talk to her. You don't know how fast you could lose her. She could be gone tomorrow.

 

[latinplayachick]

I think it might be a thing with age with her. You know, she might be so set in her ways that she doesnt know how to change. I say sit down and talk to her about how you feel and let her know that your mother has not kept you away but that the way she has been talking to you for years have made you stay away. I don't think you should completely shut her out because you should give your baby the opportunity to know her. She might not be perfect but she has to love you in her own selfish way. It might be hard to do especially because she doesnt change but at least give it a shot!

 

[Blackwater_GT]

fot what ever its worth I think you should show love yo her. She may not be the best grand parent but yor all she has left of her son and foe pratical purposes yor her leagacy.

 

[TheOriginalJames]

Ok, sorry Kat but I didn't read all of it... but the gist is: your dad and you don't get along, and you haven't talked to your grandma for 7 years.

My word of advice:

1. If you don't feel comfortable, get to know her well. Talk to her a lot, get personal with her. Hell, she is blood relative... isn't she?

2. Talk to her a lot. There are 103893798730980298098 things I WOULD LOVE to be able to ask my grandpa (dad's dad) but I can't. He died when my dad was 7. My dad barely got to know the guy, let alone my EVER meeting him. From the way my grandma used to talk about him (before she died in December 94, I remember crying my eyes out at her funeral), he was an awesome guy. He left my dad a ton of inheritance money from his business. What'd my dad do with it? Started his own business right after retiring from GTE in 93. My grandma got to see him realize his dream before she succumbed to colon cancer.

3. Talk to her a lot. What happens when your baby starts getting older and asks about her heritage, where she came from, and why she doesn't see her grandma? My dad had a lot of tension between him and his step father (who i also never met), and I hate hearing about it. Partly because I came from a home where both parents were always there, working their ass off, etc.

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT than family. Especially blood relatives.

Cut through the family drama bullshit and become the voice of reason for it all. Don't get angry, just be happy that you can still talk to her while she is in good health.

 

[elluko]

My advise is talk to her as much as possible. My mom didnt talk much to her granma and she felt like shit when she passed away.