Personal Narrative Essay

[Jessica]

I want you guys to check and see if it's okay. I think I might have added too much info

EDIT: Not finished yet, please do not reply until finished

Jessica Chen​

Pd. 1​

Personal Narrative​

Going to Florida​

It was December 2006 and almost the winter break. I was a seventh grader, and I was very excited. We were going to Florida. We had not gone to Florida for a very long time, and this was going to be my second time going there. It was my little brother Jerry’s first time. I was going to miss a few days of school, but not much, and I wasn’t going to miss anything important since the winter break was coming near.

On the last day before we were to leave, we packed everything. I took most of my prized possessions and put it into my backpack. I helped my mom pack the clothes. When everything was packed, I went to my room and read a book. Meanwhile, my dad took out the GPS. We were going to use the GPS to go to Florida. I wished we were taking the airplane to Florida instead of the car, but my parents wanted to save money, and driving was the best way. I wasn’t really looking forward to the car ride, for I knew it would be long and uncomfortable. However on the bright side, we were going to Florida. That was something to be happy about. The place I was looking forward the most was of course, Disney World.

The next day we woke up bright and early and put everything in our car. Dad had removed the back seat in order to put everything in. My brothers and I squeezed in the middle row. I put my backpack at my feet so I can access it easily. As I was waiting for us to leave, my older brother Jason was starting to tell my parents where we should go when we arrive in Florida, pointing and showing the places in the Florida Guide Book. He loves nature, especially insects, and would love to go anywhere that has animals, or even better, bugs. He wasn’t really interested in going to Sea World and Disney World. My little brother and I, on the other hand, were more eager to go to Disney World and Sea World, although Jerry was also agreeing with his brother.

I asked my mom if we were staying at a hotel. She said yes, but not the whole vacation. We were only going to stay at a hotel for a few days, then move in with a friend. I wonder who this friend was, and couldn’t wait. We finally left. I took one last look at my house before our car went around a corner. Then we were on our way to Florida, with the GPS directing us and my dad driving.

My brothers and I were already starting to get bored. I was looking out the window while Jerry bothered Jason. Then I suggested we play a game, and Jerry said he wanted to play I-Spy. So we started playing it, and we took turns. Afterwards we complained that we were hungry and my mom took a bag of chips from her backpack and gave it to us. I asked her how long it was going to take to get to Florida. She said it would take at least a day. A couple hours later, when it was night, we stopped at a rest stop. Dad filled the fuel tank and then we slept. Tomorrow Mom is going to drive.

We drove through Pennsylvania already; we went into Virginia then Georgia. We went to at least three rest stops. Then finally, Dad, who was driving this time, announced we were in Florida. I sighed in relief then realized it would take a while longer to get to our hotel. I asked how long we had to drive to get to our hotel and Dad said around forty-five minutes or so. Jerry was playing a hand-held game he bought along, and I asked if I could play on it. He said yes and gave it to me. That fixed my boredom.

We finally arrived at our hotel. I grabbed my backpack and we all poured out of our van. Dad went to check in and Mom took out all the baggage and suitcases. Then Dad came back and gave us our room number. Minutes later we were in our hotel room, and already Jerry was announcing where he was sleeping and who with. I did not like sleeping on the beds nor did I like sleeping with someone, so I said I would sleep on the floor. I’ve always done this when we go to hotels.
It was six in the evening, and I asked my mom what we were going to eat for dinner. She said we could go to a restaurant, because she had nothing that we could eat for dinner. So Dad used his GPS to look for a restaurant, like Pizza Hut or McDonald’s but Mom suggested we go out and drive around to find a good restaurant, perhaps a Chinese buffet. In the end we did what Mom suggested, and found a Chinese restaurant.

The next day Mom woke us up and we went down to get breakfast. After breakfast we went back to our room and discussed where we were going that day. We were going to a place called Bird Paradise Park. I had lots of fun there. We went in this special room where there were lorikeets in the room next door, and the person in charge gave me a cup of nectar and let me in the room with the birds. Immediately, the little birds flew onto my hand, my shoulders, and my arm to drink the nectar. My family and I took turns doing this, for it cost only a dollar.
Next we looked at different parrots, each with beautiful feathers. I managed to collect a few pretty feathers and save them. We took pictures and learned many things. After a couple hours there, we left for lunch.

The weather in Florida was completely different from Pennsylvania’s. Instead of being cold, it was very sunny and warm, the perfect weather to go out to the beach near our hotel. Jerry and I looked for seashells while Jason looked around for any critters. Finally we all got bored and went back in to the hotel and played a few games on the computer.

On the fifth day we went to Sea World. I only have dim memories of Sea World, but I remember the performance of the killer whales and the dolphins and how much fun I had. The next day we went to Disney World, and we went on many fun rides. None of us went on a roller coaster.

On the day we were to leave for Mom’s friend’s house, disaster struck. My brothers and I were waiting in the car for our parents to finish checking out of the hotel. Mom and Dad came out and they were talking with each other. Then suddenly, Mom realized her wallet was gone. She went back in to look for it but did not find it. In the end she gave up and concluded that several young men that were near her stole it from her. The wallet contained money, her cell phone, and tickets to the Universal Studios in Orlando. Blown by this, we went to the friend’s house and explained what happened. I met his daughter, and I became fast friends with her. I played with her almost all day.

The next day we went to the Everglades. Jason, of course, was very excited. [FONT=&quot] When we got there, we walked around, looked at the plants and animals, and Jason was talking about them to Mom and Dad. [FONT=&quot]On the last day we left for home. It would be another long ride home, but I was happy, happy to have gone to Florida and I had enjoyed every moment of it. It would be sad to be home again, but I would always look back at the happy memories the vacation to Florida had bought.[/FONT][/FONT]

 

[Zorak]

What are you looking for? Proof reading etc?
Or, rather, what are they looking for.

You've made some mistakes with your tenses straight off the bat that I can see.

 

[Jessica]

I fixed and finished

 

[Goat Whisperer]

Just a tip from a fellow writer. Don't use words like 'near' they make you stop and think for a second. Simple words are actually better. That's why authors always use the word 'said' when someone is talking, the more your reading, and absorbing, and the less your having to think, the better.

 

[Jessica]

we did peer editing today, the person that edited my paper made some edits. and thanks for the advice

 

[Goat Whisperer]

Going to Florida​

It was December 2006 and almost the winter break. I was a seventh grader, and I was very excited. We were going to Florida. We had not gone to Florida for a very long time, and this was going to be my second time going there. It was my little brother Jerry’s first time. I was going to miss a few days of school, but not much, and I wasn’t going to miss anything important since the winter break was coming near.

On the last day before we were to leave, we packed everything. I took most of my prized possessions and put it into my backpack. I helped my mom pack the clothes. When everything was packed, I went to my room and read a book. Meanwhile, my dad took out the GPS. We were going to use the GPS to go to Florida. I wished we were taking the airplane to Florida instead of the car, but my parents wanted to save money, and driving was the best way. I wasn’t really looking forward to the car ride, for I knew it would be long and uncomfortable. However on the bright side, we were going to Florida. That was something to be happy about. The place I was looking forward the most was of course, Disney World.

This =

It was December 2006, seventh grade, and almost winter break. We were going to Florida. I had gone once before, a long time ago, so of course I was excited to go again! We even got to—I mean had to, miss the last few days of school. The day before we were set to leave, I started packing. I searched for my most prized possessions, stuffing them into my backpack, and helping my mom collect, fold, and pack up our clothes. My dad took out his handy dandy new fangled contraption; a GPS, our map to Florida. I didn’t want to drive, I thought we would get lost, and it would take forever, but my parents, of course, wanted to save money. I really wasn’t looking forward to this long uncomfortable drive; but still we were going to Florida, so of course it would be worth it; because soon I would be in on of the happiest places on earth: Disney Land.

Super edit from Bri. You use the word 'the' too much.

 

[Jessica]

there's a bit I want to point out, I can't drive, so "I didn’t want to drive, I thought we would get lost" isn't needed

but thanks

 

[Goat Whisperer]

there's a bit I want to point out, I can't drive, so "I didn’t want to drive, I thought we would get lost" isn't needed

but thanks

No, see they read it as you and your family are driving. To say it that way you don't necessarily have to be in the drivers seat.

 

[Jessica]

oh ok gotcha

 

[Jessica]

Jessica Chen​

Pd. 1​

Narrative essay​

Going to Florida​

It was December 2006, seventh grade, and almost winter break. We were going to Florida. I had gone once before, a long time ago, so of course I was excited to go again! We even got to—I mean had to, miss the last few days of school. The day before we were set to leave, I started packing. I searched for my most prized possessions, stuffing them into my backpack, and helping my mom collect, fold, and pack up our clothes. My dad took out his handy dandy new fangled contraption; a GPS, our map to Florida. I didn’t want to drive, I thought we would get lost, and it would take forever, but my parents, of course, wanted to save money. I really wasn’t looking forward to this long uncomfortable drive; but still we were going to Florida, so of course it would be worth it; because soon I would be in one of the happiest places on earth: Disney World.

The next day we woke up bright and early and put everything in our car. Dad had removed the back seat in order to put everything in, so my brothers and I squeezed in the middle row. I put my backpack at my feet so I can access it easily. As I was waiting for us to leave, my older brother Jason was starting to tell my parents where we should go when we arrive in Florida, pointing and showing the places in the Florida Guide Book. He loves nature, especially insects, and would love to go anywhere that has animals, or even better, bugs. He wasn’t really interested in going to Sea World and Disney World. My little brother and I, on the other hand, were more eager to go to Disney World and Sea World, although Jerry was also agreeing with his brother.

I asked my mom if we were staying at a hotel. She said yes, but not the whole vacation. We were only going to stay at a hotel for a few days, then move in with a friend. I wondered who this friend was, and couldn’t wait when we finally left. I took one last look at my house before our car went around a corner. Then we were on our way to Florida, with the GPS directing us and my dad driving.

My brothers and I were already starting to get bored. I was looking out the window while Jerry bothered Jason. Then I suggested we play a game, and Jerry said he wanted to play I-Spy. So we started playing it, and we took turns. Afterwards we complained that we were hungry and my mom took a bag of chips from her backpack and gave it to us. I asked her how long it was going to take to get to Florida and she said it would take at least a day. A couple hours later, when it was night, we stopped at a rest stop. Dad filled the fuel tank and then we slept. Tomorrow Mom is going to drive.

We drove through Pennsylvania and afterwards we went into Virginia then Georgia. We went to at least three rest stops. Then finally, Dad, who was driving this time, announced we were in Florida. I sighed in relief then realized it would take a while longer to get to our hotel. I asked how long we had to drive to get to our hotel and Dad said around forty-five minutes or so. Jerry was playing a hand-held game he bought along, and I asked if I could play on it. He said yes and gave it to me, relieving me of my boredom.

We finally arrived at our hotel. I grabbed my backpack and we all poured out of our van. Dad went to check in and Mom took out all the baggage and suitcases. Then Dad came back and gave us our room number. Minutes later we were in our hotel room, and already Jerry was announcing where he was sleeping and who with. I did not like sleeping on the beds nor did I like sleeping with someone, so I said I would sleep on the floor like I’ve always done when we go to hotels.

It was six in the evening, and I asked my mom what we were going to eat for dinner. She said we could go to a restaurant, because she had nothing that we could eat for dinner. So Dad used his GPS to look for a restaurant, like Pizza Hut or McDonald’s but Mom suggested we go out and drive around to find a good restaurant, perhaps a Chinese buffet. In the end we did what Mom suggested, and found a Chinese restaurant.

The next day Mom woke us up and we went down to get breakfast. After breakfast we went back to our room and discussed where we were going that day. We were going to a place called Bird Paradise Park. I had lots of fun there. We went in this special room where there were lorikeets in the room next door, and the person in charge gave me a cup of nectar and let me in the room with the birds. Immediately, the little birds flew onto my hand, my shoulders, and my arm to drink the nectar. My family and I took turns doing this, for it cost only a dollar.

Next we looked at different parrots, each with beautiful feathers. I managed to collect a few pretty feathers and save them. We took pictures and learned many things. After a couple hours there, we left for lunch.
The weather in Florida was completely different from Pennsylvania’s. Instead of being cold, it was very sunny and warm, the perfect weather to go out to the beach near our hotel. Jerry and I looked for seashells while Jason looked around for any critters. Finally we all got bored and went back in to the hotel and played a few games on the computer.

On the fifth day we went to Sea World. I only have dim memories of Sea World, but I remember the performance of the killer whales and the dolphins and how much fun I had. The next day we went to Disney World, and we went on many fun rides. None of us went on a roller coaster.

On the day we were to leave for Mom’s friend’s house, disaster struck. My brothers and I were waiting in the car for our parents to finish checking out of the hotel. Mom and Dad came out and they were talking with each other. Then suddenly, Mom realized her wallet was gone. She went back in to look for it but did not find it. In the end she gave up and concluded that several young men that were near her stole it from her. The wallet contained money, her cell phone, and tickets to the Universal Studios in Orlando. Blown by this, we went to the friend’s house and explained what happened. I met his daughter, and I became fast friends with her. I played with her almost all day.

The next day we went to the Everglades. Jason, of course, was very excited. When we got there, we walked around, looked at the plants and animals, and Jason was talking about them to Mom and Dad.
On the last day we left for home. It would be another long ride home, but I was happy, happy to have gone to Florida and I had enjoyed every moment of it. It would be sad to be home again, but I would always look back at the happy memories the vacation to Florida had bought.

 

[Jessica]

made a few slight changes

 

[Jessica]

okay it's not due yet and I still need to make changes

 

[DuhhhBlond]

has it been graded yet?

 

[Jessica]

no I'm working on the final draft

 

[Jessica]

I completely edited the introduction:

[FONT=&quot]It was December 2006 and I was a seventh grader, excited for the winter holiday break. A month before my parents told me and my brothers that we were going to Florida during the winter break. I had been to Florida before, but I was very young and Jerry, my little brother, was not born yet. I was very happy to go there again. We even got to—I mean had to, miss the last few days of school. I started packing my most prized possessions the day before we were to leave. After stuffing them into my backpack, I went to help my mom collect and pack our clothes and other necessities. Dad said we were going to use the newly brought GPS – which will tell us the way to Florida. That’s when I realized we were taking the car – not the plane. My parents of course, wanted to save money, so that was why we chose to drive there. I was not looking forward to this long, boring, and uncomfortable drive. Nevertheless, we were still going to Florida. It was worth it because soon I was going to be in one of the happiest place on Earth – Disney World. Despite the disaster that struck there, I enjoyed my vacation very much. [/FONT]

 

[Jessica]

[FONT=&quot]Florida Vacation[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]It was December 2006 and I was a seventh grader, excited for the winter holiday break. A month before my parents told me and my brothers that we were going to Florida during the winter break. I had been to Florida before, but I was very young and Jerry, my little brother, was not born yet. I was very happy to go there again. We even got to—I mean had to, miss the last few days of school. I started packing my most prized possessions the day before we were to leave. After stuffing them into my backpack, I went to help my mom collect and pack our clothes and other necessities. Dad said we were going to use the newly brought GPS – which will tell us the way to Florida. That’s when I realized we were taking the car – not the plane. My parents of course, wanted to save money, so that was why we chose to drive there. I was not looking forward to this long, boring, and uncomfortable drive. Nevertheless, we were still going to Florida. It was worth it because soon I was going to be in one of the happiest place on Earth – Disney World. Despite the disaster that struck there, I enjoyed my vacation very much.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The next morning Mom woke me up and told me to eat breakfast quickly because we were going to leave right away. After gulping down some milk, I grabbed my backpack and sat in the car. My brothers and I had to sit in the middle row because the back row was removed to leave space for our things. My parents got in the car but did not start it right away. Dad was using the GPS to set our destination as Florida. After he was done we left our house.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]During the ride on the highway, Jason, my older brother, started telling my parents all sorts of places we could visit while in Florida. Being a nature lover, especially of insects, he was most interested in going to places that involves animals, or better, bugs. He was not interested in going to Disney World at all, saying it was a place for “little kids”.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A few hours later, after a small nap, I asked my mom in a tired voice if we were staying at a hotel. She said yes, but not for the whole vacation. We were only going to stay at a hotel for a few days, and then move in with a friend of Mom’s that apparently I did not know at all. Wondering who this friend was, I continued my nap, dreaming about Disney World.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Hours later it was very dark and Dad had parked at a rest stop. We ate some food then went to sleep. We would continue our drive soon once we get our rest. After a few hours of rest, we continued, with Mom driving this time. Getting bored, Jerry started a game, I-Spy. That game started getting boring so I took out a book to read. Dad announced we were in Virginia and now on our way to Georgia. Hours passed and finally we were in Florida. I was relieved that our long drive to Florida was finally over. Then I realized it would take a while to get to our hotel. Mom assured me that it would only take about half an hour or so.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]It was the evening when we reached our hotel. After we checked in and got our room number, we carried our luggage to the room. Immediately Jerry announced he was sleeping on the bed with Jason. Jason groaned and told Dad to sleep with Jerry. I merely shrugged because it wouldn’t be a big problem for me. I never sleep on hotel beds, so I said I would sleep on the floor, like I always do.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]It was too early to go to bed, and it was nearly dinner time. I asked Mom what we were going to eat. She said we could go to a restaurant, because she had nothing that we could eat for dinner right in our room. Dad used the GPS to find a good restaurant – he wanted Pizza Hut or McDonald’s. Mom shook her head at this because she wanted a Chinese restaurant or buffet. We left our hotel and drove around[/FONT]

 

[Jessica]

my FINAL

Florida Vacation​

It was December 2006 and I was a seventh grader, excited for the winter holiday break. A month before my parents told me and my brothers that we were going to Florida during the winter break. I had been to Florida before, but I was very young and Jerry, my little brother, was not born yet. I was very happy to go there again. We even got to—I mean had to, miss the last few days of school. I started packing my most prized possessions the day before we were to leave. After stuffing them into my backpack, I went to help my mom collect and pack our clothes and other necessities. Dad said we were going to use the newly brought GPS – which will tell us the way to Florida. That’s when I realized we were taking the car – not the plane. My parents of course, wanted to save money, so that was why we chose to drive there. I was not looking forward to this long, boring, and uncomfortable drive. Nevertheless, we were still going to Florida. It was worth it because soon I was going to be in one of the happiest place on Earth – Disney World. Despite the disaster that struck there, I enjoyed my vacation very much.

The next morning Mom woke me up and told me to eat breakfast quickly because we were going to leave right away. After gulping down some milk, I grabbed my backpack and sat in the car. My brothers and I had to sit in the middle row because the back row was removed to leave space for our things. My parents got in the car but did not start it right away. Dad was using the GPS to set our destination as Florida. After he was done we left our house.

During the ride on the highway, Jason, my older brother, started telling my parents all sorts of places we could visit while in Florida. Being a nature lover, especially of insects, he was most interested in going to places that involves animals, or better, bugs. He was not interested in going to Disney World at all, saying it was a place for “little kids”.

A few hours later, after a small nap, I asked my mom in a tired voice if we were staying at a hotel. She said yes, but not for the whole vacation. We were only going to stay at a hotel for a few days, and then move in with a friend of Mom’s that apparently I did not know at all. Wondering who this friend was, I continued my nap, dreaming about Disney World.

Hours later it was very dark and Dad had parked at a rest stop. We ate some food then went to sleep. We would continue our drive soon once we get our rest. After a few hours of rest, we continued, with Mom driving this time. Getting bored, Jerry started a game, I-Spy. That game started getting boring so I took out a book to read. Dad announced we were in Virginia and now on our way to Georgia. Hours passed and finally we were in Florida. I was relieved that our long drive to Florida was finally over. Then I realized it would take a while to get to our hotel. Mom assured me that it would only take about half an hour or so.

It was the evening when we reached our hotel. After we checked in and got our room number, we carried our luggage to the room. Immediately Jerry announced he was sleeping on the bed with Jason. Jason groaned and told Dad to sleep with Jerry. I merely shrugged because it wouldn’t be a big problem for me. I never sleep on hotel beds, so I said I would sleep on the floor, like I always do.

It was too early to go to bed, and it was nearly dinner time. I asked Mom what we were going to eat. She said we could go to a restaurant, because she had nothing that we could eat for dinner right in our room. Dad used the GPS to find a good restaurant – he wanted Pizza Hut or McDonald’s. Mom shook her head at this because she wanted a Chinese restaurant or buffet. We left our hotel and drove around, trying to find a good Chinese restaurant. We found one, ordered our food, and enjoyed our dinner.

The next day we woke up and went down to get breakfast, which was available at our hotel. After that we went back to our room and my brother Jerry asked where we were going. We found out we were going to Parrot Paradise, which apparently was a parrot park. My favorite part was when we went in a special room where you can feed some little lorikeets nectar which was handled by a staff person there. Since it was very cheap, at one dollar per person, we all took turns. When I got my turn, the birds immediately flew onto my head, shoulders, and arms, all trying to get to the nectar. It was really fun doing this, although the birds’ sharp claws did hurt.

We looked at different species of parrots. They were all very beautiful, and I admired their feathers. Mom took pictures and Jason was trying to get one of the parrots to talk back at him. I found some treasures near the cages; some very pretty feathers from some of the parrots. I still have them, and I always admire them.
The day after that, the weather was so perfect that we all went to the beach near our hotel. Jerry and I looked for seashells while Jason looked around for critters. I thought of the weather in Pittsburgh, and was glad at the moment that I was in a warm, sunny place, instead of a cold, snowy one. We went back to our room and played some games on the computer.

We went to both Disney World and Sea World the next day. None of us liked roller coasters, but we did enjoy some rides that include 3D effects and felt like you were really there. I cannot remember any deeper experiences at those two places, but I enjoyed my day there.

Disaster struck the day we were to go to Mom’s friend’s house. This was the first time we were, or to be exact, Mom was, ever robbed. Actually, she was not really robbed, but she still lost her wallet. My brothers and I were in the car waiting for Mom and Dad. When they came out they were talking, and then Mom realized her wallet was missing. She ran back to the hotel, but returned empty handed. Shaking her head, she told us it was most likely she dropped it, and several young men who were also in the hotel probably picked it up. I knew they stole it, because if they didn’t, why didn’t they return it to Mom? However, we had no proof of this. Worried about the contents of the wallet, I asked what was in it. She said it had her cell phone, some money, and the tickets to Universal Studios. My heart sank, realizing we would never be able to go to Universal Studios.

Even this disaster did not darken my mood. We drove to Mom’s friend’s house, and I quickly became friends with May, the daughter. She was younger than me, and begged me to play dollhouse with her. I agreed and for the rest of the day played with her.

The next morning we left for the Everglades. Jason was very happy about this and couldn’t wait to get there. He knew more about nature than we do, and we all listened with interest. When we got there we learned many interesting facts. Of course, Jason knew most of them.

On the last day we packed, said good bye to Mom’s friend and his family, and left for home. I was kind of sad to be going home, but I knew this happy vacation couldn’t last forever. Still, I did want to go home. Although the loss of Mom’s wallet almost ruined our vacation, I learned that although bad things may happen in your life, you should always look towards the positive things. Even with the “robbery”, I will always look back at the enjoyable memories in Florida.