BreakfastSurreal
Well-Known Member
i wrote these before i started doing drugs...it makes me sad to read them because I can't write like that anymore. I wish. Maybe my brain will come back to its full capacity one day.
June 22, 2002 Guilty
When he called my name the hair on the back of my neck rose as if an invisible magnet was pulling it up out of my skin. I proceeded to step forward slowly and timidly, then looked up at him. I quickly averted my eyes to prevent him from detecting my fear, but it was too late. He saw right through me, and my trepidation was evident through my entire demeanor. There was no way of hiding it. My voice trembled as I spoke and tears formed in my eyes, and then continued to trace paths down my flushed cheeks. I could feel his eyes...they scorched my own flesh as they bore into me. It was my last chance and I had nothing to lose so as I made my final plea, I gathered all of my might and looked him straight in the eye. I hoped that he would show some bit of compassion for the desperation and true remorse that was conveyed through my tears. Immediately as I looked up at him I knew this was it. His cold, hollow, gray eyes were like mirrors, and in them I saw myself hanging from the gallows. I was pronounced guilty as charged and sentenced to be hung that very night.
April 2, 2002 Endless Night
In heaven unseen and Hell unknown,
I've never understood how each of us dreams to understand anything at all.
How each of us decides the part we play in life,
I've never been quite sure.
I've never understood that one true friend or the love of a lifetime.
Why each of us must suffer and lose the ones we have loved,
How each of us goes on believing each day,
I've never really known
Why each of us decides the part we play,
the way we are,
This is still a mystery to me.
And here, running down this lonely path in life I find that I am guilty.
Convicted of the seven deadly sins.
I have played out all seven ways to win.
Now my feet are set upon the seven holy paths to hell
And so my trip begins.
Seven ruthless downward slopes,
Seven bloodied, angry hopes,
Seven fear-lit all consuming fires,
Seven selfish, sinful and seductive desires....
And in the dark of night,
More painful every breath becomes
The fear and loneliness weighing upon me as if
My soul were going to bleed to death.
One more dies and one more lives.
One child cries, one mother grieves.
I count the souls of unborn as they pass me by.
And if I die this night by my own hand,
As a suicide I shall be damned.
Try as I might, to save my soul,
I remain tortured by evil thoughts.
With every second and passing breath,
I feel so entirely alone.
Some of us were made to suffer and I have never understood why.
Sometimes, the pain of life is almost too much to bear.
Never will I understand the how or the why.
And still, despite all this,
In my desperation I never stop reaching for that so-called gentle, loving God in the sky.
And with the fear of those who plead against the dark still screaming in my ears,
I watch in horror.
In my mind are seven demons, seven angels battling for my soul.
On my knees I beg for mercy.
And in my heart of hearts, I know none shall be given.
My mind still rages on like an Inferno.
This web of fear and sadness shall be my coat to clothe me on this might.
I bring the blade ever closer to my wrists.
Oh that gleaming, glittering blade!
I shall end it all, and so easily too!
This blade, heated with my anger, my hopes, frustrations, and sadness.
Poised and ready for me like a hot knife through butter,
I can imagine all of the beautiful red blood spilling everywhere and freedom from this world for me finally.
But no. I can't do it. I can't try again.
It would hurt so many people so deeply.
A lucky escape for me you say?
No, I have a feeling that I'm damned.
Nothing can stop the raging turmoil my mind is in and I can feel it now.
Another wave of icy darkness and despair begins to wash over me.
I can't escape these feelings try as I might.
Because my friend, I believe my soul is damned to an endless night.
June 22, 2002 Guilty
When he called my name the hair on the back of my neck rose as if an invisible magnet was pulling it up out of my skin. I proceeded to step forward slowly and timidly, then looked up at him. I quickly averted my eyes to prevent him from detecting my fear, but it was too late. He saw right through me, and my trepidation was evident through my entire demeanor. There was no way of hiding it. My voice trembled as I spoke and tears formed in my eyes, and then continued to trace paths down my flushed cheeks. I could feel his eyes...they scorched my own flesh as they bore into me. It was my last chance and I had nothing to lose so as I made my final plea, I gathered all of my might and looked him straight in the eye. I hoped that he would show some bit of compassion for the desperation and true remorse that was conveyed through my tears. Immediately as I looked up at him I knew this was it. His cold, hollow, gray eyes were like mirrors, and in them I saw myself hanging from the gallows. I was pronounced guilty as charged and sentenced to be hung that very night.
April 2, 2002 Endless Night
In heaven unseen and Hell unknown,
I've never understood how each of us dreams to understand anything at all.
How each of us decides the part we play in life,
I've never been quite sure.
I've never understood that one true friend or the love of a lifetime.
Why each of us must suffer and lose the ones we have loved,
How each of us goes on believing each day,
I've never really known
Why each of us decides the part we play,
the way we are,
This is still a mystery to me.
And here, running down this lonely path in life I find that I am guilty.
Convicted of the seven deadly sins.
I have played out all seven ways to win.
Now my feet are set upon the seven holy paths to hell
And so my trip begins.
Seven ruthless downward slopes,
Seven bloodied, angry hopes,
Seven fear-lit all consuming fires,
Seven selfish, sinful and seductive desires....
And in the dark of night,
More painful every breath becomes
The fear and loneliness weighing upon me as if
My soul were going to bleed to death.
One more dies and one more lives.
One child cries, one mother grieves.
I count the souls of unborn as they pass me by.
And if I die this night by my own hand,
As a suicide I shall be damned.
Try as I might, to save my soul,
I remain tortured by evil thoughts.
With every second and passing breath,
I feel so entirely alone.
Some of us were made to suffer and I have never understood why.
Sometimes, the pain of life is almost too much to bear.
Never will I understand the how or the why.
And still, despite all this,
In my desperation I never stop reaching for that so-called gentle, loving God in the sky.
And with the fear of those who plead against the dark still screaming in my ears,
I watch in horror.
In my mind are seven demons, seven angels battling for my soul.
On my knees I beg for mercy.
And in my heart of hearts, I know none shall be given.
My mind still rages on like an Inferno.
This web of fear and sadness shall be my coat to clothe me on this might.
I bring the blade ever closer to my wrists.
Oh that gleaming, glittering blade!
I shall end it all, and so easily too!
This blade, heated with my anger, my hopes, frustrations, and sadness.
Poised and ready for me like a hot knife through butter,
I can imagine all of the beautiful red blood spilling everywhere and freedom from this world for me finally.
But no. I can't do it. I can't try again.
It would hurt so many people so deeply.
A lucky escape for me you say?
No, I have a feeling that I'm damned.
Nothing can stop the raging turmoil my mind is in and I can feel it now.
Another wave of icy darkness and despair begins to wash over me.
I can't escape these feelings try as I might.
Because my friend, I believe my soul is damned to an endless night.
i appreciate the comments. It was pretty hard for me to read them again...it just brings back so many memories, some of which I don't wish to remember. And it also made me sad because just the other day we had to write a descriptive paper in english and mine came out NOTHING like the above...I just feel like I've lost my talent, put wayyy too many bad things in my body since then that have just made my brain turn into mush. I remember being so much smarter. Kat, I am holding onto what you said...I really really hope that is the same case for me.
