Need yall's help

[Mrs Behavin]

Yesterday was a very bad day. Me and my husband Robert came sooo close to calling it quits. It was horrible. We both said things to each other that we shouldnt have. We apologized last night and promised to try to make it work. He told me that he loves me and always has but not as much as he use to because of the way I have been acting lately. ( I think its all because of me working nights. That has been since March). Because thats when he really started growing distant from me. We havent had sex in 3 months and he is always gone riding 4 wheelers. He is hardly ever here. He gets aggravated at me because with working nights, all I want to do is sleep. So therefore, the house doesnt stay quite as clean as it needs to be. Im aggravated at him to the point that almost every night that I would cry myself to sleep cause the more he was gone, the lonlier I got.
Does anyone have any advice on how to make things any better? I will take anything. I mentioned something to him about maybe going to counseling, but he said no to that cause he doesnt want someone telling him how to live his life.

 

[Veronica]

Joe said no to counseling too.. (but he went to one session)

I would suggest going to your boss and asking if you can do to days.. If its a no there, then you and him would need to come to an agreement about dutys of the house and maybe get a "date night". When I was working 2 hours away 12 hour shift (night shifts) me and joe fell apart too. Joe and I hired a maid (35$ a day- she only came twice a week) and it made it easier on us. When I came home, I didnt have to worry about cleaning up after him all day and taking care of austin.

 

[Mrs Behavin]

I sure hope things work out. We've been together 9 yrs and he is like "my life". I think we have just been doing each other wrong. What we should have done a long time ago was talk about it. But sometimes getting him to talk about anything is like trying to pull teeth.

 

[Tim]

Stop and think what you would choose between work and your husband. Which would you choose?

The reason I'm asking, is that you may be in the midst of choosing and not even realize it.

Just a thought.

 

[SilentEyz]

I think V is right about the Date night, Time away for just yourselves is important, and it can be good to bring back the old feelings, Plan it and most importantly KEEP the plan,

Also at times like these you have to ask the hard questions, even if you don't want to hear the answers, Like what is it that he doesn't love as much, IS it bcse you are working nights, Does he feel as though your putting him off, or does he feel you have changed, and be ready to hear and accept the answers, but that also includes telling him, Letting him know that his being gone makes you feel put out,

One's action creates anothers reaction and no one person is wrong, it is only often in the non-communicated perception that we feel a problem that was never meant to be.

 

[SloMoFo]

ok you both recognize theres a problem but in a way he refuses to be the one to make it better? I say this because he refuses to do counseling, he turns it down and doesnt have any ideas about what to do? does he expect you to do all the work? The way i see it its equally his fault too, i mean, yes you work nights, but it seems when you guys do have free time he spends it 4 wheeling instead of spending it with you. And i dont know his work schedule but about the house not getting clean is kinda bs, the household chores should be distributed equally. Your post made it seem as if you do all of it. I just get the impression hes not really thinking about how this effects you, hes upset you work a night job, but he doesnt seem to be very understanding that it has its negative effects on you as well. Likewise, you could try to find a new job where you work days. I just dont see the willingness to help solve the problem from his side yet.

 

[Mrs Behavin]

Dont get me wrong, he helps with the housework. He does a damn good job cleaning. He just expects me to give a little too. Which I dont blame him. When I stepped back and looked at the situation yesterday, I realized that I was avoiding doing some housework not only because I was tired from working all night but because I just figured that he would eventually do it. And thats not fair to him.
But in the same sense, its not fair to me wondering if he still remembers that he has a wife that needs some of his attention and love too. Because he is gone all the time riding 4 wheelers. I would love to be able to go out with him just at least maybe once a month. I didnt think that was too much to ask. But it has yet to happen. He was suppose to go with us Sunday evening to the racetrack to watch the Spablast Firework show. That morning he went riding 4 wheelers and I told him that we were going to leave at 5pm. Its like 4:30 and I havent seen or heard from him yet. So I call his cell and he told me he forgot. I was pissed.

 

[SilentEyz]

Take away his 4-wheeler j/k

Thats harsh though, and I could see where it sends very confusing signals, Marriage is work on both parts, seems like maybe you both might have to work to find what the other is missing, sounds lame I know, but you Saw the obviousness in the cleaning, Maybe he needs to see the obviousness in him being gone all the time, Its a small step but it is a step.

I had an old boss, who whenever she would try and tell her husband things that she felt were going wrong, he would shrug and agree but never really hear, so she would write him a letter, saying how she felt, how such and such made her feel, what she felt she could do, but also what she felt she needed from him, Sometimes, and not always, but sometimes, it helped Simply bcse unlike with talking, If he actually read it, it had more impact, He could not tune out words on a page, like he could a voice saying what he feels he has heard a million times. Maybe you could try writing him a letter?

 

[Homer]

you guys should just take a few days off and pamper each other. :hug

 

[99mustang232]

i think the root of the problem is the lack of sex, but the conflicting schedules are not helping... i can atest to the being tired deal but you just gotta make time for that even if you are tired no matter how hard it is.

He told me that he loves me and always has but not as much as he use to because of the way I have been acting lately.

what did he say you were doing?

 

[Mrs Behavin]

When I was at work last night, I wrote him a pretty lengthy email. It pretty much covered all bases. Hopefully he took it to heart. We were just walking all over each other and didnt even realize it until it was just about too late.

 

[Tim]

Why do I find it wierd that someone would have to write an e-mail to your own husband and or wife?

Why not a face to face?

What did people do before e-mail and cell phones????? :dunno

 

[Mrs Behavin]

If I talk to him face to face, sometimes he will take the words I say and turn it into something else all because if the way I say it. Sometimes he thinks that Im trying to start an argument or that Im just being a bitch.
Ive noticed that if I write it down and let him read it, he's more sincere about the subject.
Also, I feel like I can talk without being interuppted.

 

[Haus]

i wish i could help ya out. i never been married and really never had a serious realtionship that got to that point. but i wish you and your husband luck.

 

[Tim]

Re: RE: Need yall's help

If I talk to him face to face, sometimes he will take the words I say and turn it into something else all because if the way I say it. Sometimes he thinks that Im trying to start an argument or that Im just being a bitch.
Ive noticed that if I write it down and let him read it, he's more sincere about the subject.
Also, I feel like I can talk without being interuppted.

That makes perfect sence.
Thanks for not taking my question out of context. It was a sincere question.

 

[SilentEyz]

Hope things get better for you soon,

 

[Rusteh]

Re: RE: Need yall's help

i wish i could help ya out. i never been married and really never had a serious realtionship that got to that point. but i wish you and your husband luck.

i wish I was around more to help...amy you do have my #....if you need you can always call me.

 

[99mustang232]

maybe it is time for a vacation, get away just you and him, re-kindle the love

 

[Maritxu]

I will like to ask you: what do you feel for your husband? do you love him as much as you used to? I just want to know your situation as well.
It is time to really get to know what you want for your life.
I agree in the vacations, it would do you good.

About the counseling, I advice you to try it at least.. but don't listen to me.. I am a psychology major.

 

[Mrs Behavin]

Things are slowly getting a little bit better as the days go by. Thank you guys for all of your advice.