My TimeShift Story

[Ryder]

Prologue: Wrong

He told me...He told me it would happen again. Told me to to keep the suit safe. So it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands once more. When he told me it would happen again...I just smiled at the man I idolized. I said "It wont ever happen again." My Name is Cyler Fane And guess what...

...I was wrong.
-------------------------------------------

Chapter One: Taking up the mantle

It took five years. Five goddamn bloody years. Another enemy. Adam Ryans was his name. He rose to power and rose the military with it. It all was happening again. Cyler walked through the lab. He thanked God every day that this lab was under ground. He walked through the deserted halls. Well he was the only sentient beng in the lab except for S.A.MM the AI that was in the suit. "I have to do something... don't I S.A.M.M?" He asked. Not expecting her to answer. "Yeah I know." He said. He walked to the table in the middle of the room and put the suit on. "Suit activated." S.A.M.M Said. "Activate TimeShift." he said. "Activating TimeShift." said S.A.M.M as he disappeared.

 

[ConTRo13R]

Nice attempt, by using too many short sentences you ruin the effect you are trying to convey.

Short sentences are used in small doses to add suspense to a peice of writing

And every time you have new speech you should put it on a new line

 

[Ryder]

Thanks.

 

[ConTRo13R]

Personally i think you have started to colloquially aswell e.g

Five goddamn bloody years.

Im not being nasty here, just trying to help you out, its good, just needs fine tuning

 

[BeautifulHeart]

he no's his stuff ryder in life a bit of critisism and advice helps us out we have to lisen because we can learn from it and from are mistakes to make it better

 

[Ryder]

Chapter Two: Arrival in a war zone.

Cyler appeared. He looked around. He was in a crumbled building. He looked around.

"S.A.M.M where are we and what time are we?" he asked.

"Location: Central New York, Time: 2037" S.A.M.M Said

. Cyler found a weapon on the ground near him. He picked it up and cocked it. He walked through the streets. Staying to the shadows. Two deafening booms came from down the street. He looked at where the sound came from. A sentry. A large flying vehicle able to take down a building in just two shots.

"Cyler. Take that crossbow weapon!"

Advised S.A.M.M. Cyler didn't know she could actually see what was going on around him. He grabbed the crossbow and as much ammo as he could. He looked at the crossbow for a moment and studied it. It had a scope. He ducked into the shadows and zoomed in on the men at the guns of the sentry vehicle. He aimed. He first made sure of something.

"S.A.M.M time pause." he said

. Time stopped. He fired twice at the solders. Time started again and the men looked at the arrows that were now in their stomachs. It flashed and exploded and the men exploded with it. The sentry turned to the second TimeShifter. It fired two missiles that came streaking towards him.

"Incoming." said S.A.M.M.

"I can see that." said Cyler

As this time. Time iself reverced the missle moved away from him. The missle as it was going back into the chamber Cyler threw a grenade at it. It exploded and so did the sentry.

 

[ConTRo13R]

he no's his stuff ryder in life a bit of critisism and advice helps us out we have to lisen because we can learn from it and from are mistakes to make it better

WOW that was...deep? i don't think thats even the word

anyway im gonna rep you :thumbup

 

[Ryder]

What about me? No rep?

 

[ConTRo13R]

lol you asked, i want you to finish the story

To much mention of the word 'he' in that second part.

and the foruth section of text up from the bottom try to take one of the 'ands' out, define what 'It' is

The first line, don't repeat the 'He looked around'

Ryder i'm very VERY critical when it comes to descriptive writing or imaginative text, what you have has potential you just need to work on the writing technique

I'd like to hear more, and hope i can teach you something too

 

[Ryder]

It wont be finished for awhile.

 

[USF Sam]

Nice attempt, by using too many short sentences you ruin the effect you are trying to covey.

Short sentences are used in small doses to add suspense to a peice of writing

And every time you have new speech you should put it on a new line

:bowdown:

Do not DARE to take the Goddess's name in vain. INFIDEL!!


But yeah, this heretic has a point. Longer sentences to initially set up the action.

 

[Ryder]

:bowdown:

Do not DARE to take the Goddess's name in vain. INFIDEL!!

*Slaps you*

You have no right to call anyone an infidel.