My Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic Story

[Ryder]

(First I would like to point out that, Yes I am a big Star Wars fan. Enjoy! )

Chapter One: The Messanger

Saryn Coral woke up with a jolt he looked up at a man in a Jedi robe, his face covered. He grabbed the blaster pistol he kept under his pillow. "Saryn there is no need to fear. I am here to help." Said a man. "Help me with what?" Asked Saryn. "You destiny Saryn. You and your siblings are meant to be great Jedi." said the man. "Just who the hell are you?" asked Saryn. Saryn watched the man with sapphire blue eyes. He had brownish blackish hair which fell into his eyes. The man removed the cloak from his head. He had black hair, peircing black eyes and tanish skin. "My name is Revan." he said. "Revan? The same Revan that burned Telos and turned against the Rebuplic?" Question Saryn. "Unfortunetly yes Saryn." Said Revan. "But your meant to be a Jedi you and your sister and brother, And I will be your teacher." He said.

Three Years Later...

Saryn walked around the Jedi Acadamy. Mal Satanas was his sister. She was on the Council, If you could call two people a council. Saryn walked to the Council chambers with his brother. "You called for us Master?" they asked Revan as they bowed. Revan smiled at them. "Sit my friends." said Revan as he stood up and walked over to them. "Kneel please." Mal said as she stood in front of Tate, Saryn's brother. They both kneeled as instruted. Two lightsabers activated. A blue one and a violet one. The lighsabers hovered hovered over the shoulders of the young knights. "Saryn and Tate Coral, by the power of the Jedi by the will of the Force I dub thee Jedi Knights." Revan said as they both cut off the padawan brades. Saryn and Tate stood up smiling.

Chapter Two Coming Soon...

 

[AuronKae]

It's a nice chapter, but it seems very short and you're not spacing your paragraphs out correctly. Each dialogue is a new paragraph, so to speak. Also, when your dialogue goes [["Revan? The same Revan that burned Telos and turned against the Rebuplic?" Question Saryn.]] you could have said [["Revan? The same Revan that burned Telos and turned against the Rebuplic?" questioned Saryn.]] And a little more description could be good, too, explanations of what Saryn's feelings, his thoughts, etc.

So instead of saying:

The man removed the cloak from his head. He had black hair, peircing black eyes and tanish skin. "My name is Revan." he said. "Revan? The same Revan that burned Telos and turned against the Rebuplic?" Question Saryn. "Unfortunetly yes Saryn." Said Revan. "But your meant to be a Jedi you and your sister and brother, And I will be your teacher." He said.

you could say:

The man lowered his cowl, and Saryn felt a shiver of fear tingle down his spine as he did so. The mysterious visiter had black hair, piercing black eyes and skin that seemed russet-colored in the dark light. "My name is Revan." he said simply.

"Revan?" Saryn demanded, gripping the pistil tighter in his hands. "The same Revan that burned Telos and turned against the Rebuplic?"

"Unfortunetly yes, Saryn," Revan answered. "But your meant to be a Jedi--you, your sister, and brother, And I will be your teacher."

It's a very interesting idea, and I hope you continue with it. And if you ever need any help, I'm a SW FANATIC.