My "relationships" story

[Misssy2]

I feel like this belongs in introductions (if it does, I think somone will move it) But this post is about my life and how my life is affected by the relationships around me and the choices that I have made.
I am 46 years old. I was an alcoholic the whole time my children were growing up...and before they were born. My 1st son, the oldest...I don't know who is father is...that is a long story..but the short of it is....I don't know - one night stand. My youngest is the son of my life partner...I call him my life partner because I was with him "for life"...22 years. It was an abusive relationship from the start. But, he WAS the love of my life and I was not giving up on the relationship (even if he ended up killing me). He drank with me initally, but once we moved in together..he didn't want to drink anymore and I was defiant and I wanted to drink...so there was alot of fighting and he was very physical...arrested many times for domestic...my kids saw alot of things they shouldn't have...for many years...fast forward...he was also a cheat....over the many years...but the final straw was he cheated on me with my sister...so, then I cheated on him with his best friend to get even..didn't work out well...I regreted it...and it didn't make me feel better...My oldest found out at 18 (by my drunk sister) that the guy he was calling his Dad (my life partner)...was NOT his Dad....my son was already exprementing in drugs...but this set him off and he is now 25 and a full blown drug addict. When I got sober...when I was 41...I told this guy he had to leave or I was not going to be able to stay sober...i had too much pain with him...and we were having sex daily..because he was trying to make up for being wrong and I could not STAND him anymore. My youngest was always kinda pushed aside sadly..because he wasn't any trouble..well a couple of years ago..he figured out he was being pushed aside and that his drug addict brother was getting alot of attention...so he started using drugs. Anyway...my X leaves...the shit hits the fan with the kids because now they think they are in control...in the meantime...I am in AA and trying to straighten out my own behavior (the worst behavor I had was avoidance). I make alot of money...so I would throw money at my kids...thinking I was making them happy and I just wanted to drink...so now I''m sober and I don't know how to control them at all. They were having friends move in...not listening to anything etc...took me a year to get that straightened out...while in AA, a year after I left my X....I meet a really nice guy....we date for 3 years...he never came to my house in the 3 years..because my X and the kids were issuing death threats...etc...took them 3 years to get mature and realize that I deserved to have who I want in my life. So a year ago my boyfriend moved in....he HAD NO IDEA What he was getting into. My whole sobriety has sucked with these 2 kids getting in trouble...but I will outline what has occurred since August of 07. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer the same day I got sober...so 5 years later on Sept 26 she went into the hosp. and she died on Aug 7th..I was at the hosp everyday...Sept 28th, my oldest son lost a job he had for 6 years...then....he went into a nervous breakdown (by this time he had a baby almost 2)...Then he went on to get 4 more jobs between Sept and the end of Aug...lost them all....the family unit over there was falling apart as his girlfriend does drugs as weel and everything was falling on my shoulders.. they couldn't pay bills, buy groceries...so I help out...we sometime have an intervention for him...(which didn't work). I decide to buy my youngest a car (I take out a loan on my 401K)...buy him a car..because he has been "good" and he needs to find a job because he is in my basement. So...he gets a ticket everyday for the first week...then a DUI....then a week after the DUI, he gets in a serious car accident. Now we go to all these court appearances..etc. A week later My oldest gets kicked out of his house by his girlfriend (when it was he that called the cops on her) so he decides to take 30 Xanax and he is on Methadone...gets himself, in trouble with the law...arrested and in jail. Gets out of jail and there are about 2 weeks of nothing...and then....the oldest drives his friend home (falls asleep at the wheel) wrecks his girlfriends car (yes she had taken him back)...and now the girlfriends father is pissed and tells his daughter to come live with him...AGAIN..she is a druggie too. She takes the baby on Nov 4th...and my son has not seen him since. The baby was his love of his life....so for 22 days...he texts her asking to see the baby...nothing...then she serves him with a restraining order...false because he has never harmed her or the baby....We go file for visiation...Court hearing 12/17...we go...its canceleed....then it was set for yesterday 1/7...we go...they have to postpone it because they didn't realize that we had filed for visitation so now it won't be heard until the 26th of January...so after court yesterday...my son was distraught..wanted to hurt or kill himself...wants to give up on life...and I want him to hold on until the 26th....I know he will get some visitation even if it is supervised...In the meantime...thru all of that stuff....they found lesions on my lungs and liver...that needed to be investigated...they turned out to be ok (but it was still too much stress to endure with everything else going on) lesions were..bengin....I have maintained my full time job thru all of this. have only left work for some court dates and I think I left sick one day..and my relationship with my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend has mentioned that I am never "here", my brain is always with one of my kids....and how he would like me to be "present" when we are together...I really can't help it...my internal instinct...needs my kids to be ok....Most weekends since Aug 7th when my friend died...it takes all my effort to get anything done as far as housework etc...Luckily, my boyfriend is not into sex very much...he has one of those problems....so I don't feel like I am letting him down in THAT way. He feels like I am letting myself down and wants me to take care of myself better...for example..instead of going food shopping for my oldest tomorrow he wants me to go clothes shopping (because he knows I like it)..for myself. I can't because my boyfriend doesn't know that I have paid 300 towards my oldest rent..because he messed up with coccaine last month when the court date got cancelled and I paid 300 this month because he was short. And I paid 120 for my youngest to take MMA...because that is the only thing that keeps my youngest normal....I used to belong to an old chat room where people knew me and most of this story..and more...but I had to leave it because my mother is on the girlfriends side..and I don't want her seeing me talk about what I am doing or what my son is doing because I don't trust anyone right now....Well, that's some of my story....now some bits and pieces of what I type in here may make sense to anyone who was albe to read this...

 

[JoeCool10]

That was a mouthful... Well first off I'd like to welcome you to the site, and applaud you for being so open and honest about something that is so personal and for getting through your alcoholism, etc. As far as the rest of the post is concerned, not sure if you're looking for advice or not, but I think what would be best for your oldest is to let him deal with his problems. I'm sure he's old enough to hold a job and buy his own groceries, etc. Your boyfriend is right when he says you need to focus more on yourself. Both of your boys are (should be) men now and it's time they act like it. My brother is 30 and had problems with cocaine for a long time. My parents finally decided that it would be best to let him deal with the mess he's made on his own. He now owns his own place, holds a full time job and doesn't usually ever have problems with paying his bills on time.

Another serious note.... You said that your son and his girlfriend have a child? If the both of them are taking drugs and their mental stability is low, I wouldn't hesitate calling child protective services. It's not right that that child should have to suffer because his/her parents can't get their shit straight.

Anyway, not trying to be a bitch or anything, merely commenting on the things in your post that bothered me. Hope things work out for the best.

 

[sexysadie]

I feel like this belongs in introductions (if it does, I think somone will move it) But this post is about my life and how my life is affected by the relationships around me and the choices that I have made.
I am 46 years old. I was an alcoholic the whole time my children were growing up...and before they were born. My 1st son, the oldest...I don't know who is father is...that is a long story..but the short of it is....I don't know - one night stand. My youngest is the son of my life partner...I call him my life partner because I was with him "for life"...22 years. It was an abusive relationship from the start. But, he WAS the love of my life and I was not giving up on the relationship (even if he ended up killing me). He drank with me initally, but once we moved in together..he didn't want to drink anymore and I was defiant and I wanted to drink...so there was alot of fighting and he was very physical...arrested many times for domestic...my kids saw alot of things they shouldn't have...for many years...fast forward...he was also a cheat....over the many years...but the final straw was he cheated on me with my sister...so, then I cheated on him with his best friend to get even..didn't work out well...I regreted it...and it didn't make me feel better...My oldest found out at 18 (by my drunk sister) that the guy he was calling his Dad (my life partner)...was NOT his Dad....my son was already exprementing in drugs...but this set him off and he is now 25 and a full blown drug addict. When I got sober...when I was 41...I told this guy he had to leave or I was not going to be able to stay sober...i had too much pain with him...and we were having sex daily..because he was trying to make up for being wrong and I could not STAND him anymore. My youngest was always kinda pushed aside sadly..because he wasn't any trouble..well a couple of years ago..he figured out he was being pushed aside and that his drug addict brother was getting alot of attention...so he started using drugs. Anyway...my X leaves...the shit hits the fan with the kids because now they think they are in control...in the meantime...I am in AA and trying to straighten out my own behavior (the worst behavor I had was avoidance). I make alot of money...so I would throw money at my kids...thinking I was making them happy and I just wanted to drink...so now I''m sober and I don't know how to control them at all. They were having friends move in...not listening to anything etc...took me a year to get that straightened out...while in AA, a year after I left my X....I meet a really nice guy....we date for 3 years...he never came to my house in the 3 years..because my X and the kids were issuing death threats...etc...took them 3 years to get mature and realize that I deserved to have who I want in my life. So a year ago my boyfriend moved in....he HAD NO IDEA What he was getting into. My whole sobriety has sucked with these 2 kids getting in trouble...but I will outline what has occurred since August of 07. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer the same day I got sober...so 5 years later on Sept 26 she went into the hosp. and she died on Aug 7th..I was at the hosp everyday...Sept 28th, my oldest son lost a job he had for 6 years...then....he went into a nervous breakdown (by this time he had a baby almost 2)...Then he went on to get 4 more jobs between Sept and the end of Aug...lost them all....the family unit over there was falling apart as his girlfriend does drugs as weel and everything was falling on my shoulders.. they couldn't pay bills, buy groceries...so I help out...we sometime have an intervention for him...(which didn't work). I decide to buy my youngest a car (I take out a loan on my 401K)...buy him a car..because he has been "good" and he needs to find a job because he is in my basement. So...he gets a ticket everyday for the first week...then a DUI....then a week after the DUI, he gets in a serious car accident. Now we go to all these court appearances..etc. A week later My oldest gets kicked out of his house by his girlfriend (when it was he that called the cops on her) so he decides to take 30 Xanax and he is on Methadone...gets himself, in trouble with the law...arrested and in jail. Gets out of jail and there are about 2 weeks of nothing...and then....the oldest drives his friend home (falls asleep at the wheel) wrecks his girlfriends car (yes she had taken him back)...and now the girlfriends father is pissed and tells his daughter to come live with him...AGAIN..she is a druggie too. She takes the baby on Nov 4th...and my son has not seen him since. The baby was his love of his life....so for 22 days...he texts her asking to see the baby...nothing...then she serves him with a restraining order...false because he has never harmed her or the baby....We go file for visiation...Court hearing 12/17...we go...its canceleed....then it was set for yesterday 1/7...we go...they have to postpone it because they didn't realize that we had filed for visitation so now it won't be heard until the 26th of January...so after court yesterday...my son was distraught..wanted to hurt or kill himself...wants to give up on life...and I want him to hold on until the 26th....I know he will get some visitation even if it is supervised...In the meantime...thru all of that stuff....they found lesions on my lungs and liver...that needed to be investigated...they turned out to be ok (but it was still too much stress to endure with everything else going on) lesions were..bengin....I have maintained my full time job thru all of this. have only left work for some court dates and I think I left sick one day..and my relationship with my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend has mentioned that I am never "here", my brain is always with one of my kids....and how he would like me to be "present" when we are together...I really can't help it...my internal instinct...needs my kids to be ok....Most weekends since Aug 7th when my friend died...it takes all my effort to get anything done as far as housework etc...Luckily, my boyfriend is not into sex very much...he has one of those problems....so I don't feel like I am letting him down in THAT way. He feels like I am letting myself down and wants me to take care of myself better...for example..instead of going food shopping for my oldest tomorrow he wants me to go clothes shopping (because he knows I like it)..for myself. I can't because my boyfriend doesn't know that I have paid 300 towards my oldest rent..because he messed up with coccaine last month when the court date got cancelled and I paid 300 this month because he was short. And I paid 120 for my youngest to take MMA...because that is the only thing that keeps my youngest normal....I used to belong to an old chat room where people knew me and most of this story..and more...but I had to leave it because my mother is on the girlfriends side..and I don't want her seeing me talk about what I am doing or what my son is doing because I don't trust anyone right now....Well, that's some of my story....now some bits and pieces of what I type in here may make sense to anyone who was albe to read this...

Ohhhhhh Missy, I don't know what to say exactly, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, that must have been devastating to say the least. You've really been through it haven't you....? I think that you're a very brave lady....you're in my thoughts. I'll be back to comment further doll...I just honestly don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

 

[HottyToddyChick]

I'm still processing and formulating a proper response, but I think it's awesome that you have enough faith in us to put all of that out there. You have been through a lot and are an incredibly strong and brave person.

 

[Misssy2]

That was a mouthful... Well first off I'd like to welcome you to the site, and applaud you for being so open and honest about something that is so personal and for getting through your alcoholism, etc. As far as the rest of the post is concerned, not sure if you're looking for advice or not, but I think what would be best for your oldest is to let him deal with his problems. I'm sure he's old enough to hold a job and buy his own groceries, etc. Your boyfriend is right when he says you need to focus more on yourself. Both of your boys are (should be) men now and it's time they act like it. My brother is 30 and had problems with cocaine for a long time. My parents finally decided that it would be best to let him deal with the mess he's made on his own. He now owns his own place, holds a full time job and doesn't usually ever have problems with paying his bills on time.

Another serious note.... You said that your son and his girlfriend have a child? If the both of them are taking drugs and their mental stability is low, I wouldn't hesitate calling child protective services. It's not right that that child should have to suffer because his/her parents can't get their shit straight.

Anyway, not trying to be a bitch or anything, merely commenting on the things in your post that bothered me. Hope things work out for the best.

I'm glad for the comments...Everyone says what you say about my oldest son....and ITS TRUE>...It just takes alot for me to be beaten to the point of submission. I haven't reached that place with him yet...I did with my alcoholismm....I was beatin to a pulp and almost dead. I feel I am getting close to the end of enabling with my oldest.

Yes, both have drug problems...BUT the girl is staying with her parents and the baby now...and although the parents are in huge denial of HER having a problem (even thou she lived in my house for 2 years before they had the baby...because she was living in a CRACK house and my son saved her from there)....but the parents have a nice home..the baby is comfortable and I'm sure the parents are providing 80% of the care for the child because she is a materialistic...lazy person and should have never even had a baby because she only cares about herself...but the parents DO love the lil guy to death...and I know he is being well taken care of. I would love to throw it in the courts face that she is also a drug addict...but i don't want to do IT just to get even...because then they will TAKE the baby and only the baby will suffer...I think he is ok now.

Your 30 year old brothers story..gives me inspiration to start letting go of "Rob".
Thank you for replying...reading all of that!

 

[JoeCool10]

I'm glad for the comments...Everyone says what you say about my oldest son....and ITS TRUE>...It just takes alot for me to be beaten to the point of submission. I haven't reached that place with him yet...I did with my alcoholismm....I was beatin to a pulp and almost dead. I feel I am getting close to the end of enabling with my oldest.

Yes, both have drug problems...BUT the girl is staying with her parents and the baby now...and although the parents are in huge denial of HER having a problem (even thou she lived in my house for 2 years before they had the baby...because she was living in a CRACK house and my son saved her from there)....but the parents have a nice home..the baby is comfortable and I'm sure the parents are providing 80% of the care for the child because she is a materialistic...lazy person and should have never even had a baby because she only cares about herself...but the parents DO love the lil guy to death...and I know he is being well taken care of. I would love to throw it in the courts face that she is also a drug addict...but i don't want to do IT just to get even...because then they will TAKE the baby and only the baby will suffer...I think he is ok now.

Your 30 year old brothers story..gives me inspiration to start letting go of "Rob".
Thank you for replying...reading all of that!

No problem, I'm glad the baby has people who love him. Kids are truly a blessing and I never understood people who have kids when they aren't going to be a parent to them. And good luck on your sons! I know that if my son ever had a problem it would be hard for me to sit back and watch them fail, but I guess it's kinda like when they're babies and they're learning to walk... You just have to let them learn, even if that means they're gonna fall on their butt a few times. Best wishes!:thumbup

 

[Misssy2]

Ohhhhhh Missy, I don't know what to say exactly, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, that must have been devastating to say the least. You've really been through it haven't you....? I think that you're a very brave lady....you're in my thoughts. I'll be back to comment further doll...I just honestly don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

Anger is a big part of what I am going thru...angry that my son is a drug addict (but understand it)...angry that I don't have time for myself...and ANGRY that i have not really had time to grieve my girlfriends passing...I'm always so wrapped up in these kids...I keep thinking...after I DO THIS...they will be ok...and they are never ok...Not to mention...I said I make good money....well, my job was changed also in SEPT and I freakin HATE IT...I cry everyday...I was in a job I loved for 10 years...BUT...they are talking about re-positioning me in Feburary...too many life changes.

I am not talking to my parents right now because I don't feel they are supporting me at all because they don't agree with me helping my son. Ok, don't agree with me...but you could call and see how I am doing since you know I'm going thru alot. And my sister told me yesterday she has dreamed 3 times this week that my father died., my Dad is 72..I'll be a mess if that happens....I keep thinking I should suck it up and go over there to visit tomorrow...but I really can't deal with my MOTHER.
Anyway, things are looking up...all the choas of getting my sons power, gas and keeping the apartment...and the cops serving papers everyother day for court are basically over...now its just waiting until the 26th to see if we get to see the child anytime soon!

 

[purpledove]

Awww....I am so sorry to hear you've been through a lot. It took time also for me to process what to say. When i did mention on ur other thread about being a co-dependent like myself, just reading this now makes me realize how I am still blessed post my past relationship as I am not undergoing this much after effect like you do. Seemingly, u are both a dependent ( due to the alcoholism and kudos for surpassing that ) and now a co-dependent to both your ex and ur kids being on drugs etc. I was never a dependent ( never used drugs nor alcohol to cope ) but just the latter due to my ex and just wanna say, I admire your being brave in making this out in the open :clap

Hope everything works out well for the best :nod:

 

[anathelia]

Wow, good luck with everything that has gone on.

The only advice I can give is if you're son (the one who's into cocaine) is feeling depressed and what not, please watch him. My brother overdosed on cocaine almost three years ago because he was calling out for help and no one noticed. You can't make him go to rehab, you can't make him quit, but the consequences of a cocaine overdose can be scary. My brother was in a coma for five weeks, suffered a traumatic brain injury, and is still on the road to recovery.

It's amazing when people go through as much as you have, that you're able to go on. I commend you for that. Just know that there are people who can help you if you need it. You don't have to do everything alone.

 

[Misssy2]

I'm still processing and formulating a proper response, but I think it's awesome that you have enough faith in us to put all of that out there. You have been through a lot and are an incredibly strong and brave person.

Thank you for saying I am strong and brave, except reality is...that it is only SURVIVAL.....So, I have to work...or I would be out on stress...I really DO recently have trouble surviving or being motivated. I want to give up sometimes..but I can't because then I don't know what will happen to these kids (lil men). They have truly taken a couple years off my life in the last year or so. Something did happen in the begining of my sobriety where all the windows were shot out of the cars in my driveway because my oldest son owed money for drugs...I was like 3 months sober...and I thought to myself THEN...if I can get thru this...I will be ok...because our lives were threatened by that incident...my son was told we would be next....if they didn't get their money....I am tired thou...I am...

 

[Misssy2]

It's amazing when people go through as much as you have, that you're able to go on. I commend you for that. Just know that there are people who can help you if you need it. You don't have to do everything alone.[/QUOTE]

A guy I work with says this to me often...LOL.
Like I said to HOTTY...Its survival....I do what I feel I HAVE to do....I know I can't save my kids (logically)...but I am doing everything in my power to try....and killing myself in the process.

I just thought of a way to take better care of myself today....I usually get up at 430am daily to take my son to the drug clinic for Methadone during the week....since I need to be at work at 7. I'm going to ask if I can be at work at 8 so that I can have an hour extra a day to sleep...I think that will help me. And my work does have a flex time program...its just I have to get it approved....But, it helped me to breathe a little easier...knowing it is an option...Thank you for reading all that...and responding.

 

[Misssy2]

I admire your being brave in making this out in the open :clap

As you will see while I'm on this site...I don't have problems sharing anything...EVERYONE has issues...we are human....I talk about mine because it helps me to feel better. I realize some people may be embarassed by having these types of problems...but I'm so burnt out....LOL...that I really don't feel embarassed..it helps me to cope. And who knows...there may be someone struggling with similar problems and if I can share how I get thru them....it might help someone else. Because when you shared some of your situation...it helped ME to see OTHER PEOPLE hurt too...sometimes I feel TOO alone.

 

[skyblue]

you know...and i dont mean this in a derogatory way or anything...but you could be good for this forum for your honesty alone...people on here moan about problems that are trivial compared to what you've been through......and much credit to you for sorting your drinking out and trying to sort your life out...as for your life partner,and i wont regret saying this....he's not a real man,no real man would beat a woman....much credit to you anyway

 

[Misssy2]

you know...and i dont mean this in a derogatory way or anything...but you could be good for this forum for your honesty alone...people on here moan about problems that are trivial compared to what you've been through......and much credit to you for sorting your drinking out and trying to sort your life out...as for your life partner,and i wont regret saying this....he's not a real man,no real man would beat a woman....much credit to you anyway

Thank you skyblue...Um...I just cancelled all my thearpy sessions for this month...probably not so smart...But my youngest has DUI school....4 NIGHTS this month from 6:30 -9:30pm (and I have to drive him there...his Dad, the life partner, will pick him up) . And...my oldest has court on the 26th...and I have an appt on the 26th because I need some ANTIDEPRESSENT medication...But, I am going to call tomorrow and ask for the 26th to be changed to sooner for me for medicine (which I hate taking it but need it).

My oldest....I HONESTLY don't know if he will live to the next court day...Today when I picked him up at 8am for the clinic (Methadone)...he was slumped asleep the whole way in my car...he is overdosing and not caring. I had a couple conversations with him today., which I know he didn't even HEAR.

However, in short I said to my therapist in a text...I know why people commit suicide....I'm not going to thou and hopefully things change for the better by the time I see you again....SHE SAYS.....MISSY...THINGS MAY NOT CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. THE TRICK IS TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS.

She's right! So, tonight I'm not going to be morbid...because before she said that I was envisioning going in my sons house in the morning to pick him up for the methadone..before I go to work...and finding him...you know...:dunno