Mrs Behavin
Well-Known Member
HOW TO POO AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a
machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a
hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has
to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter
the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who
band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident.
This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers,
and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If
this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a
machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a
hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the
poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has
to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter
the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who
band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident.
This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers,
and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If
this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELETTE A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees
