Hmmm. Actually this could be dangerous

[Patch]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "What?" The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.​ [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a m[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]an."[/FONT]​ [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/FONT] [/FONT]

 

[Jackass master]

As you get older NO is a word that becomes background noise.

 

[EthanJoushu]

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."

"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."