TOO FUNNY
The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa)
1/4 calories If the woman is not (same vice-versa)
274 calories
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size
22 calories Oversize
15 calories Tremendous
8 calories Teensy-weensy
163 calories
Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)
20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)
25 calories From the rear (Mysterious variation)
40 1/2 calories Standing: Both partners of equal height
18 calories Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man
90 calories While in traction
(very useful during ski season)
124 calories
Locations
On a bar stool
20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic
38 calories In a phone booth, standing
14 calories In a phone booth, lying down
274 calories On an airliner, aisle seat
24 calories On an airliner, middle seat
42 calories On an airliner, window seat
30 calories On an airliner, in the lavatory
100 calories
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing
7 calories Sliding around
9 calories Serious Skidding
12 calories Full cartwheel
20 calories Whiplash
27 calories Knee burn
6 calories Chafed elbows
5 calories Chafed nose
11 calories
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp)
3 calories Wheezing
5 calories Squeals
4 calories Ecstatic moaning
11 calories Low growling
8 calories Squishing
10 calories Shouting
16 calories Screaming
18 calories Urgent begging
22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.)
25 calories
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go
5.5 calories Controlling yourself
79 calories Digging nails into your partner's back
11 calories Trembling
15 calories Shaking
20 calories Shuddering
25 calories Trying to keep eyes open
33 calories
Orgasm
Real
27 calories Faked
160 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change
1/2 calorie Face turned purple
15 calories Orchestra swelled
6 calories Magical explosions
10 calories Blazing Sheets
25 calories Earth moved
30 calories Vesuvius erupted
47 calories You began moaning in Latin
60 calories
Pulling Out
After orgasm
1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm
500 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2
14 calories 5
30 calories 8
47 calories (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2
21 calories 3
39 calories 4
57 calories (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
Clitoral.
15 calories Vaginal
21 calories Penile
21 calories Scrotile
15 calories Rectal
25 calories Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
30 calories
Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion
2 calories During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)
5 calories During foreplay
3 calories Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)
4 calories
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
For Women
Frustration
8 calories Anger
15 calories Violent mood swing
20 calories Surpressing rage
25 calories Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.)
65 calories For Men:
Cursing
10 calories Apologising
3 calories Snivelling
5 calories Pleading for mercy
8 calories Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)
15 calories
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning
6 calories Palpitations
10 calories Shortness of breath
5 calories Perspiring
8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition
1 calorie
Recovering
Un-entwining
3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)
7 calories Standing up
9 calories Getting some juice
11 calories
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.)
18 calories During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)
32 calories During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)
12 calories Avoiding the wet spot
80 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready
5 calories If the man is not
156 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream
2 calories Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
16 calories Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)
20 calories
Group Sex
Introducing yourself
3 calories Overcoming shyness
8 calories Swapping partners, willingly
4 calories Swapping partners, unwillingly
62 calories Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)
16 calories Mixed doubles
26 calories Being nice to everyone
100 calories Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)
10 calories Finding your clothes
5 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only
6 calories For exercise, too
10 calories For relief from tension
12 calories To pass the time
7 calories To avoid overeating
16 calories To get in touch with inner self
10 calories To get in touch with outter self
10.5 calories To avoid insanity
24 calories To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)
9 calories Using your hand(s)
11 calories Using your finger(s)
9 calories Using tweezers
2 calories Using an inflatable doll
24 calories Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)
19 calories Using a vibrator, hand-operated
12 calories Using a vibrator, windup
9 calories Using a vibrator, electric
5 calories Using anything not mentioned here
50 calories In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket
2.5 calories In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat
78 calories In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat
3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did
4 calories Partner hates me for what I didn't do
8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual
10 calories Climaxing too soon
5 calories Climaxing too late
6 calories Not climaxing
20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object
9 calories Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object
47 calories Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm
88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm
6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field
8 calories Penis envy
72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak
25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse
60 calories By your spouse
60.5 calories Trying to explain
165 calories Stuttering
28 calories Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)
40 calories
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm
100 calories Fright (includes trembling)
66 calories Leaping out of bed
25 calories Getting dressed in one large motion
300 calories Thanking partner quickly
2 calories Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn't open
15 calories Landing
1 calorie Running very fast
50 calories
calories Burned During Sex
The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa)
1/4 calories If the woman is not (same vice-versa)
274 calories
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size
22 calories Oversize
15 calories Tremendous
8 calories Teensy-weensy
163 calories
Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)
20 calories Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)
25 calories From the rear (Mysterious variation)
40 1/2 calories Standing: Both partners of equal height
18 calories Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man
90 calories While in traction
(very useful during ski season)
124 calories
Locations
On a bar stool
20 calories Rear of a Honda Civic
38 calories In a phone booth, standing
14 calories In a phone booth, lying down
274 calories On an airliner, aisle seat
24 calories On an airliner, middle seat
42 calories On an airliner, window seat
30 calories On an airliner, in the lavatory
100 calories
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing
7 calories Sliding around
9 calories Serious Skidding
12 calories Full cartwheel
20 calories Whiplash
27 calories Knee burn
6 calories Chafed elbows
5 calories Chafed nose
11 calories
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp)
3 calories Wheezing
5 calories Squeals
4 calories Ecstatic moaning
11 calories Low growling
8 calories Squishing
10 calories Shouting
16 calories Screaming
18 calories Urgent begging
22 calories Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.)
25 calories
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go
5.5 calories Controlling yourself
79 calories Digging nails into your partner's back
11 calories Trembling
15 calories Shaking
20 calories Shuddering
25 calories Trying to keep eyes open
33 calories
Orgasm
Real
27 calories Faked
160 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change
1/2 calorie Face turned purple
15 calories Orchestra swelled
6 calories Magical explosions
10 calories Blazing Sheets
25 calories Earth moved
30 calories Vesuvius erupted
47 calories You began moaning in Latin
60 calories
Pulling Out
After orgasm
1/4 calorie A few moments before orgasm
500 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2
14 calories 5
30 calories 8
47 calories (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2
21 calories 3
39 calories 4
57 calories (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
Clitoral.
15 calories Vaginal
21 calories Penile
21 calories Scrotile
15 calories Rectal
25 calories Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
30 calories
Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion
2 calories During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)
5 calories During foreplay
3 calories Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)
4 calories
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
For Women
Frustration
8 calories Anger
15 calories Violent mood swing
20 calories Surpressing rage
25 calories Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.)
65 calories For Men:
Cursing
10 calories Apologising
3 calories Snivelling
5 calories Pleading for mercy
8 calories Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)
15 calories
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning
6 calories Palpitations
10 calories Shortness of breath
5 calories Perspiring
8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition
1 calorie
Recovering
Un-entwining
3 calories Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)
7 calories Standing up
9 calories Getting some juice
11 calories
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.)
18 calories During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)
32 calories During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)
12 calories Avoiding the wet spot
80 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready
5 calories If the man is not
156 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream
2 calories Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
16 calories Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)
20 calories
Group Sex
Introducing yourself
3 calories Overcoming shyness
8 calories Swapping partners, willingly
4 calories Swapping partners, unwillingly
62 calories Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)
16 calories Mixed doubles
26 calories Being nice to everyone
100 calories Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)
10 calories Finding your clothes
5 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only
6 calories For exercise, too
10 calories For relief from tension
12 calories To pass the time
7 calories To avoid overeating
16 calories To get in touch with inner self
10 calories To get in touch with outter self
10.5 calories To avoid insanity
24 calories To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)
9 calories Using your hand(s)
11 calories Using your finger(s)
9 calories Using tweezers
2 calories Using an inflatable doll
24 calories Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)
19 calories Using a vibrator, hand-operated
12 calories Using a vibrator, windup
9 calories Using a vibrator, electric
5 calories Using anything not mentioned here
50 calories In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket
2.5 calories In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat
78 calories In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat
3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did
4 calories Partner hates me for what I didn't do
8 calories Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual
10 calories Climaxing too soon
5 calories Climaxing too late
6 calories Not climaxing
20 calories Partner thinks of me as a sex object
9 calories Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object
47 calories Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm
88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm
6 calories Stretch marks that look like a plowed field
8 calories Penis envy
72 calories Body odor of a disgruntled yak
25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner's spouse
60 calories By your spouse
60.5 calories Trying to explain
165 calories Stuttering
28 calories Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)
40 calories
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm
100 calories Fright (includes trembling)
66 calories Leaping out of bed
25 calories Getting dressed in one large motion
300 calories Thanking partner quickly
2 calories Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn't open
15 calories Landing
1 calorie Running very fast
50 calories
