Random PW Thread - Part 3

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Ryder

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Hey Wooks and BC can you give me an opinion on this chapter of a story I'm writing?

Here it is:

Chapter Four: Allies


Christian had fallen into a deep and restful sleep during the quiet car ride to the city that never sleeps. He was jolted awake by the car coming to a sharp halt making his head bang against a window. He woke up and hopped out of the car. They were in New York. He looked around at all the towering skyscrapers and the sun shining through the clouds and the morning fog. Christian glanced at his sister as she put on her black leather jacket that she nearly always wore. Christian unzipped his sweat jacket and Matthew did the same so they moved in the wind as they walked. “Who or should I say what are we here for?” asked Christian as he glanced at his sister. “Arthur Zambozi.” Nicole stated simply. “The boss of the Zambozi crime family?” Matthew asked. Nicole nodded simply. They walked into a large building. Christian and Matthew did their usual scan. The smell of the room stunk of cigar and cigarette smoke. Christian and Matthew put their hoods up so it casted a shadow across their faces. They walked into a large room with 12 men sitting around a very large table. The boss or don as they referred to him as sat at the head of the table. He was between thin and fat and looked in his mid sixties with brown eyes and grey hair nearly going white. Everyone drew guns but the Outsiders outnumbered them. “Guns down unless you want a dead crime family Zambozi” Nicole ordered. “Who the hell are you to order me around?” The man asked drawing a silver revolver and pointing it at Cole. Christian and Matthew fire a single bullet each knocking the gun out of the man’s hand. “Now me and my gang are here to make a deal.” She said as she stood on the table squatting to look the man eye to eye. “I don’t deal with kids.” The man said. Cole gave him a dark look and wrapped her hand around his throat squeezing. A low gurgling noise came from the Don. “Alright alright!” the man choked out. “What do you need?” He asked as the doors closed and the speaking could begin.
 
Wookiegirl

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sounds good ryder :thumbup

I'm so good BH - Yanno when you get so happy that your cheeks hurt from smiling? I so got that..right now :D
How's you?
 
BlackCherry

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Wookiegirl said:
you did not...you are schmokin...I'd totally tap that ass ;)
Click to expand...

...and I would totally let you. ;)

Tyler Durden said:
I would totally watch that with you and BC and then discretely record it
Click to expand...

Rule number one about extracurricular ass tapping club...never talk about or film extracurricular ass tapping club. But you can watch. ;)

Ryder said:
Hey Wooks and BC can you give me an opinion on this chapter of a story I'm writing?

Here it is:

Chapter Four: Allies


Christian had fallen into a deep and restful sleep during the quiet car ride to the city that never sleeps. He was jolted awake by the car coming to a sharp halt making his head bang against a window. He woke up and hopped out of the car. They were in New York. He looked around at all the towering skyscrapers and the sun shining through the clouds and the morning fog. Christian glanced at his sister as she put on her black leather jacket that she nearly always wore. Christian unzipped his sweat jacket and Matthew did the same so they moved in the wind as they walked. “Who or should I say what are we here for?” asked Christian as he glanced at his sister. “Arthur Zambozi.” Nicole stated simply. “The boss of the Zambozi crime family?” Matthew asked. Nicole nodded simply. They walked into a large building. Christian and Matthew did their usual scan. The smell of the room stunk of cigar and cigarette smoke. Christian and Matthew put their hoods up so it casted a shadow across their faces. They walked into a large room with 12 men sitting around a very large table. The boss or don as they referred to him as sat at the head of the table. He was between thin and fat and looked in his mid sixties with brown eyes and grey hair nearly going white. Everyone drew guns but the Outsiders outnumbered them. “Guns down unless you want a dead crime family Zambozi” Nicole ordered. “Who the hell are you to order me around?” The man asked drawing a silver revolver and pointing it at Cole. Christian and Matthew fire a single bullet each knocking the gun out of the man’s hand. “Now me and my gang are here to make a deal.” She said as she stood on the table squatting to look the man eye to eye. “I don’t deal with kids.” The man said. Cole gave him a dark look and wrapped her hand around his throat squeezing. A low gurgling noise came from the Don. “Alright alright!” the man choked out. “What do you need?” He asked as the doors closed and the speaking could begin.
Click to expand...

Given I don't have the whole context of the story, it's quite good! You kind of get the feel it's some youngish peeps going to NYC for some fun and then whamo. I would suggest sticking with full names...you went from Nicole to Cole...now most people will catch onto that, but you want to make sure people don't think this is a fourth person in the group that you didn't address before, if that makes sense. Good imagery though...just be careful not to get too stereotypical with the description of the mob so it stays fresh.

:thumbup


Brokenheart said:
HOWS tricks wooks blackcherry
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Tricky, BH... ;) How's you?
 
Wookiegirl

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I so love your brain cherry...you're like wicked smart and I'm like your trusty side kick that isn't as smart but always reliable :24:
 
Ryder

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BlackCherry said:
...and I would totally let you. ;)



Rule number one about extracurricular ass tapping club...never talk about or film extracurricular ass tapping club. But you can watch. ;)



Given I don't have the whole context of the story, it's quite good! You kind of get the feel it's some youngish peeps going to NYC for some fun and then whamo. I would suggest sticking with full names...you went from Nicole to Cole...now most people will catch onto that, but you want to make sure people don't think this is a fourth person in the group that you didn't address before, if that makes sense. Good imagery though...just be careful not to get too stereotypical with the description of the mob so it stays fresh.

:thumbup




Tricky, BH... ;) How's you?
Click to expand...

Want the whole story?
 
BeautifulHeart

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BlackCherry said:
...and I would totally let you. ;)



Rule number one about extracurricular ass tapping club...never talk about or film extracurricular ass tapping club. But you can watch. ;)



Given I don't have the whole context of the story, it's quite good! You kind of get the feel it's some youngish peeps going to NYC for some fun and then whamo. I would suggest sticking with full names...you went from Nicole to Cole...now most people will catch onto that, but you want to make sure people don't think this is a fourth person in the group that you didn't address before, if that makes sense. Good imagery though...just be careful not to get too stereotypical with the description of the mob so it stays fresh.

:thumbup




Tricky, BH... ;) How's you?
Click to expand...
Im good thanks bit bored :p
 
BlackCherry

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Wookiegirl said:
I so love your brain cherry...you're like wicked smart and I'm like your trusty side kick that isn't as smart but always reliable :24:
Click to expand...

Aw, that's the sweetest compliment! But, I think you are a hell of a lot smarter than you're giving yourself credit for at the mo...I know cos I've seen it...

Now come over here and be luscious with me. ;)

Tyler Durden said:
Mmmm

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter for future ramblings ;)
Click to expand...

Be prepared to have a very full box...that's letterbox, dirty bird. ;)
 
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